I'm 22yrs old I have no friends because im not allowed, and I have 4 older sisters and 3 younger sisters. My 4 older sisters are married and all they do is ignore me. They never speak to me and when I try to speak to them they ignore me and belittle me. All I do is go to work, take my 3 younger sisters to school,friends houses, and anywhere else they need to go. I wasn't able to go to college even though I was accepted with a scholarship, I had failed my drivers road test, so my father said I was to stupid to go to school and that it would be a waste, so he didn't let me go...and of course my mother agreed. My do not get to keep a single penny from my paycheck, and am not given an allowance...my aunt gives me money since i was 18 my family stopped buying me clothes or shoes or anything. My aunt buys me everything because she kept seeing me in the same clothes and I was wearing flip flops in winter. She refuses to say anything to my family because "it's not her place" my mother never never never speaks to me and father always hits me and doesn't allow me to speak or play with my younger sisters....I literally have no one but i ask allah for strength but today I got in trouble for buying a 2 dollar puzzle for my sister, my father yelled and screamed at me in front of my mother, sisters, and my fathers friends...he said if I want to buy anything i had to ask his permission first then he slapped me in front of everyone....I don't have any more strength and Idon't know what to do...I wish for death sometimes because thats my only way out, i can't runaway because im afraid they'll find me and I have nowhere to go..I just don't know what to do anymore????
Praise be to Allaah.
This world is not free of worries and distress, and the Muslim knows that, indeed all people know that. All people suffer in this world, good and bad.
The difference between the believer and the kaafir with regard to that is that the believer has the hope of the reward of Allaah in good times and bad, which the kaafir is deprived of because of his kufr. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“if you are suffering (hardships) then surely, they (too) are suffering (hardships) as you are suffering, but you have a hope from Allaah (for the reward, i.e. Paradise) that for which they hope not; and Allaah is Ever All‑Knowing, All‑Wise”
The believer knows that whatever good he sees in this world is only partial, and that whatever evil he sees in this realm, no matter what this evil is, is only partial. True good is in Paradise and true evil is in Hell.
Shaddaad ibn Aws (may Allaah be pleased with him) used to say: You do not see anything of good but its causes and you do not see anything of evil but its causes. All goodness is in Paradise and all evil is in Hell. This world is transient and passing, in which both the righteous and the immoral eat. But the Hereafter is a true promise in which a stern Sovereign will pass judgement. Each of them has its sons, so be among the sons of the Hereafter and do not be among the sons of this world.
Sifat al-Safwah (1/709).
Because of this truth, the one who is destined for Hell will forget all this goodness from the first time he is dipped in Hell, and the one who is destined for Paradise will forget all this hardship the first time he is dipped in Paradise.
This is the wisdom of Allaah, which the believer sees in that which Allaah has decreed for him. He tests His slaves with good and bad alike.
“Everyone is going to taste death, and We shall make a trial of you with evil and with good. And to Us you will be returned”
It is easy for anyone to speak the words of faith and claim to be sincere, but it is through tests and trials that those who are sincere are distinguished from those who are lying, and believers are distinguished from hypocrites. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: ‘We believe,’ and will not be tested.
So the believer is different from all other people when he is tested with good and bad. He is grateful for good things and he is patient when bad things happen, and there is no goodness in anything other than that.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for all of it is good, and that applies to no one except the believer. If something good happens to him he gives thanks, and that is good for him, and if something bad befalls him he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.” Narrated by Muslim (2999).
One of the names by which Allaah has called Himself is al-Hakeem (the Wise), and one of His deeds is wisdom which the human mind cannot fully comprehend. That part of His wisdom which is known to us can help the believer to be steadfast and patient. In the answer to question no. 35914 we have stated some of the wisdom and benefits that result from calamities. Please refer to this question, as it is important.
There are some things which, if the one who is stricken with calamity thinks about them, his problem will seem less severe. Ibn al-Qayyim mentioned in his book Zaad al-Ma’aad (4/189-195) a number of these things, which we have mentioned in the answer to question no. 71236. Please refer to this question, as it is important.
Honouring your parents is an Islamic duty, and it is haraam to disobey them even if their attitude or their treatment of you is bad, and no matter what has happened between them. Allaah has enjoined treating them kindly even if they try to force you to disbelieve. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do”
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined maintaining ties with them and treating them kindly even if they are kaafirs, as he said to Asma’ (may Allaah be pleased with her) when her mother, who was a kaafir, came to visit her because she needed something: “Uphold ties of kinship with your mother.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2477) and Muslim (1003).
Moving far away from your family and travelling by yourself is not permissible because of the problem, rather it the wrong way to deal with it. It is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said: I heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “No man should be alone with a woman unless there is a mahram present with her, and no woman should travel except with a mahram.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1763) and Muslim (1341).
This hadeeth indicates that for a woman to travel alone, without a husband or mahram, is haraam. The word “travel” in the hadeeth is general in meaning, and includes travelling for Hajj and ‘Umrah or to seek knowledge. What you are intending to do comes under the heading of travel that is forbidden in this hadeeth, and if the travel is to a kaafir country, then it is even more haraam.
It is not permissible for a woman to take off her hijab, the symbol of her chastity, religious commitment and modesty. Obedience to Allaah takes precedence over desires, pleasures and worldly matters.
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It is obligatory for a woman to observe hijab in front of non-mahram men, both at home and abroad, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts”
This verse includes the face as well as other parts, because the face is the greatest part of a woman’s beauty.
“O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to draw their cloaks (veils) all over their bodies (i.e. screen themselves completely except the eyes or one eye to see the way). That will be better, that they should be known (as free respectable women) so as not to be annoyed. And Allaah is Ever Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful” [al-Ahzaab 33:59]
“…and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons …”
These verses indicate that it is obligatory to observe hijab at home and abroad, in front of Muslims and kaafirs.
It is not permissible for any woman who believes in Allaah and the Last Day to take these matter slightly because that is disobedience towards Allaah and His Messenger, and because that will cause fitnah at home and abroad.
Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah (1/446, 447).
You should not despair of the mercy of Allaah. What you say in your question indicates that you have lost self confidence and have lost hope in your Lord. The Shaytaan would like this to continue. Beware of falling into the trap of the Shaytaan.
We can see from your letter that you are upset and grieved by the state of your family, and how their reputation is affecting you, which has made you think of moving away from them. But we want you to think long and hard lest you fall pray to evil people, especially if they know about your family’s situation and you are alone among them. So you have to plan to solve this problem without doing anything that is haraam.
We suggest that you should tell one of your relatives who is wise and is a mahram about your problem, such as a paternal uncle or maternal uncle, so that he may help you to solve the problem that results from your remaining with your family. Moving to the house of one of your mahrams is the best way to solve your problem, if living with them is as you describe and there is no hope of them mending their ways. Maybe after that Allaah will bless you with a righteous husband with whom you will have a happy life and Allaah may bless you with good children from him.
There is no reason why your relatives should not help you to get married to a righteous man. If they do that, they will be deserving of praise. There is no reason why you should not try to get someone whose intelligence and religious commitment you trust to look for a suitable husband for you, or mention you to a person who you think is righteous and good.
But whatever the case, we do not advise you to travel alone or to move to a house on your own, rather we advise you to live with one of your relatives who is a mahram, if that is possible, so long as you choose a righteous household that is suitable for you to live in. If that is not possible then we advise you to look for righteous sisters, such as students, and live with them. If that is not possible, then look for a righteous sister who is living with her sisters or mother, who you could live with. What matters is that you should avoid living alone and avoid travelling, especially to a kaafir country, and you should look for a good and suitable environment where you can protect your religious commitment.
It is not permissible for you to give in to the tricks of the shaytaan for you are one of those who are despairing and are close to kufr. All of that plays a role in worry and distress.
Think about the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning):
“Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, “When (will come) the Help of Allaah?” Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allaah is near!”
You will realize that when calamity grows worse and reaches the point that it feels like an earthquake, then relief is close at hand by the mercy of the Most Merciful of those who show mercy.
Think about the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning):
“And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).
“and whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make his matter easy for him”
“Verily, along with every hardship is relief,
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “O young man, shall I not teach you some words by means of which Allaah may benefit you?” I said: Yes. He said: “Be mindful of Allaah, He will take care of you. Be mindful of Allaah and you will find Him before you. Remember Him at times of ease and He will remember you at times of hardship. If you ask, then ask of Allaah, if you seek help then seek help from Allaah. The Pen has dried and things are happening (as they have been decreed). If all of mankind were to gather together to benefit you in some way that Allaah has not decreed for you, they would never be able to do it, and if they wanted to harm you with something that Allaah has not decreed for you, they would never be able to do it. Remember that there is much good in bearing with patience that which you dislike, and that victory comes with patience, and that with hardship comes a way out and with difficulty comes ease.” Narrated by Ahmad, 2800 and classed as saheeh by Al-Albaani.
Finally: we advise you to make du’aa’ and seek out the best times such as the last third of the night, saying a lot of du’aa’ whilst prostrating, being sincere in your du’aa’ and humbly beseeching your Lord to guide your parents and set their affairs straight, and to help you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.
See also the book “Alhomoom – Dealing with Worries and Stress” in the Books section of this site.
And Allaah knows best.
Allah take care of any person or other creature, first you must complete your prays every day, and
mention Allah always along the day, you will see every thing in your life with light of Allah,
telling what right you have to do and what wrong you must leave, and Allah write on him self,
he will living Muslim good life.
If you want to change something, start with yourself. Learn the positive attitude and you will influence your family positively. Pray sincerely that Allah helps and guides you and you will be fine no matter how complicated everything is.
where are you from first ? there maybe a way that we can help you with if we know the laws of your countrey Seconed,Pray for Allah have strength and ask someone to help you, try to talk to your older sisters and get close to them or talk to your parents tell them how you feel
SALAM -ALLAHUMA INNY UDDU BIKAMIN AL-HAMMI WAL HAZANI,WA UDDU BIKAMIN AL-AJZI WAL KASALI,WA UDDU BIKAMIN AL-JUBNI WAL BUKAKLI,WA UDDU BIKAMIN GALLABATI -D-DANI WA QARRI R-RIJJAL. ALHAMDULILAH THIS IS A SOMEWHAT NOURISHING DUA THAT THE HOLY PROPHET MOHAMMED(PEACE BE ON HIM)WOULD RECITE AND HE WOULD ASK OR SHALL I SAY REPENT OUT OF FULL SUBMISSION TO ALLAH 70 TIMES EVERYDAY-THE AMERICAN ENGLISH OF THE ABOVE DUA IS O MY ALLAH SUERELY I SEEK REFUGE WITH THEE FROM CARES,WORRIES AND GRIEF,AND SURELY ISEEK REFUGE WITH THEE FROM INCAPACITY ,HELPLEESNESSAND LAZINESS-AND SURELY I SEEK REFUGE WITH THEE FROM COWARDLYNESS ,STIGYNESS ,MISERLINESS-AND SURELY I SEEK REFUGE WITH THEE FROM AN OVERWHELMENT OF DEBTS AND OPPRESSION OF OTHER MEN.-BASIR HAKIM- MEMPHO ,TN.ALHAMDULILAH
You must love your family, I'm sure they don't hate you! You're 22 years old, you have the right to go to school, and have friends. YOU MUST go to school, you're gonna regret it in the future. With out disrespecting your parents try talking to them, tell them how they're hurting your feelings. Inshallah this helped, I wish you the best Alhamdillah Al Rab Ill Alameen! Chase after your dreams!
Assalamu alaikum, I also grew up with a father and step-mother who hated me and I don't know why. Now I am grown up and independent but I'm still suffering from the trauma of their abuse. What led me to your question was the fact that I was searching for an answer to how I can be kind & respectful to my father when all he does is hurt me every time I try to get close to him. He has never hidden his animosity towards me eventhough all I have done is try to love him all my life. The way he treats me & says bad things about me led his wives & many of our family members to isolate me and treat me badly. I think this is the same thing you are going through with your sisters. They recognize that your parents treat you badly so they feel justified to do the same. All I want to say is that no condition is permanent, Allah will bring ease inshaAllah. I also thought of committing suicide many times but couldn't do it because my sister had already tried to kill herself because of the cruel treatment of our father towards her. it was a bad experience for me because I was the one who found her after she drank rat poison. Any way, it's all in the past now. I just want you to know that you are not alone. The best thing for you is to find a safe environment to stay by moving to a more loving home. You need to pursue your education and build a good future for yourself because you have no one to rely on but yourself. Getting married will not solve your problem, once your husband realises that you are not loved by your own family and that no one cares about you he may stop respecting you and decide to treat you badly too, just like your sisters are doing. It is very difficult to find good men who fear Allah. So waiting for a good guy to marry you and make your life better is not a good idea. You need to accept your situation, maybe this trial is Allah's way of making you a strong and financially independent person. What I went through as a kid helped me to become a determined and successful person in the things I endeavor. I learned how to rely on myself for everything, even for important decisions in my life, because I knew that my parents didn't love me enough to care and they will not be there for me when I need them. You need to stand up for yourself, get an education, become independent and learn how to love yourself before anyone will love you and respect you, even your husband. You need to find a balance between respecting your parents and pursing the things that will help you in your life. Respecting and obeying your parents does not mean that you should obey them in matters that will destroy your life, like stopping you from getting an education. Pursuit of knowledge is an obligation on every Muslim. You shouldn't also hang around your parents if they constantly do things to humiliate and hurt you because this will affect you psychologically and emotionally, and it's effect may stay with you forever. You should follow the example of Prophet Ibrahim (A.S) who left his father in peace, rather than staying and allowing his father's enmity towards him to destroy his life.