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I am a young non-Muslim American lady who met a middle-aged Muslim man from a different country. I found him very kind and generous, with good morals (not to mention a charming smile that melted my heart). We chit-chatted for hours almost every day and got along so well that soon we were talking about getting married. He and I were soooo excited about this idea and counted the days until we could finally be together.

However, he then revealed to me that he wanted me to be his second wife--because he currently had a wife. The problem with this is that he originally said he was divorced, and basically now was revealing that this was not true. I was very upset, but forgave him for this lie.

I am not a jealous person, so I can understand the basis for any polygamous marriage as long as everyone involved is aware and ok. So I then asked if his first wife was ok with him taking a second wife. However, he then revealed that he doesn't know what she thinks, because he never told her directly that he was talking to me all this time. He said though that she probably has a feeling something is happening. He said he loves me so much and he was only staying with her because they have a small son together. He said she can't make him happy the way I do. He urged me to stay with him.

I was very much shocked by this. I felt so sad for myself (I really, really liked him!!!), but it was nothing compared to how awful I felt for his wife. Any moral person (regardless of religion) knows in their heart that it is just plain wrong to treat a person (especially his own wife!) like this. I told him that I felt so bad that I had became an unwitting participant in deceiving his wife, that it was immoral for him to treat her this way, and that I could not talk to him anymore. I immediately cut off all ties with him.

Please tell me that Islam does not condone this kind of behavior ---where a man can just start searching for a second wife, and chatting up another lady, without even informing his own wife he is doing so. While I am not Muslim myself (I am undecided), I believe Muslims are generally very good and moral people and I love them. It would really disappoint and sadden me, however, if I knew that most Muslims find this to be acceptable behavior.

Peace to you all. I am looking forward to your reply.

asked 1011 butterfly's gravatar image

wow you made my heart feel so mus=ch better, for my ex did this to me i did not except the other woman he left me and my kids in dept,the other woman is a life coach and knows nothing about my life with him, now they teach my daughter to lie to me of things they do.

(Feb 25 '13 at 12:45) WomanInNeed WomanInNeed's gravatar image

again you are an amazing person God be with you.

(Feb 25 '13 at 12:46) WomanInNeed WomanInNeed's gravatar image

If a man is able to marry a second wife, physically and financially, and he can treat both wives in a just manner, and he wants to take a second wife, then he is allowed to do so according to Islam. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“… then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:3]

And this was the practice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and of his Companions (may Allaah be pleased with them).

women should not let jealousy make them object to that which Allaah has prescribed, and they should not try to prevent it; a wife should allow her husband to marry another woman for this is a kind of cooperating in righteousness and piety. 

The first wife’s consent is not a prerequisite for a man to take another wife. The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about this and replied as follows

“It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will reduce the hurt which women naturally feel in such situations. This is done by being kind to her and speaking to her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and by spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”

Concerning her request for divorce if her husband wants to marry another wife, this is a mistake. But they should examine the situation, and if she really cannot cope with living with another wife, then she can ask him for khula’ [ a kind of divorce instigated by the wife, whereby she forgoes the mahr]. If she can cope with living with the second wife, but it hurts her to do so, then she should be patient and seek the pleasure of Allaah. Thawbaan (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said

“No woman asks her husband for a divorce for no reason, but the fragrance of Paradise is forbidden for her.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood and others, and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him).

If she bears it with patience, then Allaah will make it easier for her and will expand her chest (i.e., grant her peace and calm), and will compensate her with something good. The husband must also help her by treating her kindly, being patient with her for any jealousy etc. on her part, and overlooking her mistakes. And Allaah is the source of help

answered 73210 Light's gravatar image

If he is not happy with his original wife than i think think he's allowed 2 have a second 1. forgive me if I'm mistaken. Allah knows best

answered 816 yusuf56789's gravatar image

Thank you for your post and your time. I am aware that in Islam a man can take up to 4 wives. However, my question is if Muslim men can start looking for a second wife without informing the first one that he is doing this.

answered 1011 butterfly's gravatar image

He has to tell his wife, and have to take her permission as it is a moral responsibility. Second thing is that, you don't know whether he told you the truth or he has lied to you about his wife that she doesn't make him happy as you do. Maybe he is playing with you so that he could convince you for marriage, who knows someday he will also leave you like this?

But if you ask me religiously, then he can do a second marriage on the condition that he should maintain equality between both the wives.

(Feb 25 '13 at 12:36) believer ♦ believer's gravatar image

So long as you have not signed the mutual documents of agreement in the marriage, you are not inclined to do anything you don't want to. As for his first wife not knowing, it seems he feels ashamed and very secretive to others, (if he is that secretive to his wife it seems easily suspicious to others). There are many things involved culturally and religiously that can be taken into account. If you feel he is right for you then I can't change your mind, I will caution you, and I will leave with a note about my parents. My mother was a non-muslim American when she met my middle-eastern father, although there was no polygamy involved things worked out, and 30 years later we are a happy family, and she became a Muslim by her own choice over 20 years ago. I hope this helps with your question. Salamuwalykum.

answered 11115 Khal_7's gravatar image

My husband told me that he wants 4 wife. I accepted that. Now I been married for 3 years, and he is looking a second wife, his reason is to have a 8 kids from each wife,he said my body will mess up I have a 8 kids. He talks with females in front of me, and wants me to be nice to his second wife.she is from overseas and she wants to introduce him to her family,but he wants me to go with him which is too much for me. He really loves me I think he is spoiled. So this is the reason why some men wants second wive.

answered 1616 islamispure's gravatar image

I am not a scholar in regards to Islam. That being said, I do know that it is haram/wrong for a man to take another wife without first gaining permission from the one/s he currently has.

I do not agree that a man can evenly distribute himself among more than one wife, a job and kids, financially, emotionally or physically. Islam clearly states women are "sensitive" so why put her in this situation? Why allow the hurt and abandonment feelings that would follow a husband saying he wants another wife?

I am a woman and I know for a fact I can speak for many when I say that there is no way that sharing my husband would be ok. Should he ever seek another is would be after divorcing me.

And those that feel my words are blasphemous need to really think.

answered 102 SadConfusedWife's gravatar image
edited May 05 '13 at 04:00 sadie ♦ 1.6k315 sadie's gravatar image

Im baffled by your words I edited your last sentence because its not appropriate. Now I want to say first off I am understanding on your feelings toward this issue. As I am also a woman, and have had to ponder and think hard about this. But sister what I want you to acknowledge is your saying to Allah subhana WA ta'ala that you yourself know better than him. Now depending on your trust in him you maybe able to work through this difficulty slowly.

(May 05 '13 at 03:59) sadie ♦ sadie's gravatar image

I only want to share with you a couple things that helped me come to terms with this. 1.) one day I had a thought that I was saying it wasn't ok when Allah swt said it is. And secondly , I asked myself if my husband was a good man ,father and Muslim could I really keep him from marrying some other woman? My first answer was yes I could he's mine. Then I thought about the woman, what if I kept the marriage from happening and she ended up with a terrible life? Could I live with that? My answer was No. No I can't live with that.

(May 05 '13 at 04:04) sadie ♦ sadie's gravatar image

I would want for my sister in Islam to have what I have, a good life. So really think about it. And not when your emotions are running on high. I wish you all the best asaalaam alaykum .

(May 05 '13 at 04:06) sadie ♦ sadie's gravatar image

I know myself, and I could not bear the thought of the man I love being with another woman. I would be greatly betrayed should that happen. I would not want bad things for anyone, myself included. To me, in my heart, knowing my husband was with another woman, making love to her, hugging her joking laughing.... I would rather be dead then face the humiliation of that.

(May 10 '13 at 19:58) SadConfusedWife SadConfusedWife's gravatar image

Under those specific circumstances, the Qur'an  recognized that if a person feels that he shall be in a better position to meet or fulfill his social obligations , by marrying a second wife provided he can deal with his wives in a just and equitable manner then he may marry the women. The Qur'an  does not hold the consent of the first wife of the person as a mandatory requirement for a second marriage.

answered 73210 Light's gravatar image
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Asked: Feb 25 '13 at 02:23

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Last updated: May 10 '13 at 19:58

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