as salaam alaikum, I am severely depressed in my marriage and keep having continuous fights with my husband. i love him more than anythg in this world but its just that i feel he has never understood me. i live in a joint family and wish to seperate out. i expressed my desire to my husband and only in vain. most of our fights are bcoz of the in laws. he just doesnt seem to understand my side of the story. I am suffocated and very very depressed. i cry every now and then and eventually my children suffer my anger and frustration.now i hv also got the feeling that he doesnt love me anymore. bcoz of the constant tension btwn us..we havent even touched each other for over a month now. I feel that for some tym i shld just leave him and go and stay at my mothers house with the kids. i dont want to ureturn till he actually wants me back. i am very depressed and i am making things worse. will i be doing the right thing by staying away from him and hoping that he calls me back? is this going to solve anythg or make things worse?? please answer urgently. please.

asked 104 amaan's gravatar image
closed Mar 02 '13 at 14:45

The question has been closed for the following reason "Duplicate Question" by amaan Mar 02 '13 at 14:45

my dear sister,if you want advice on islamic grounds,i dont know but i think the best way you should ask for permission from him to go and stay with your parents.i know you think he will not understand you but try,if he says NO,then stay.he is your husband,you dont know what he is up to,maybe he is looking for another place to shift to.but be patient and put all your trust and faith in ALLAH.inshaa allah all goes well with you,DONT WORRY ALLAH IS WITH YOU. remember if you continue having differences with your inlaws,he may end up kicking you out.so be at peace with them.they are his parents and he cant just neglect them like that,he needs to establish a concrete way,reason and relation so that when you live your inlaws house,inshaa allah,both you and your inlaws will be happy,but the thing of pushing your anger on your children is not good.you are a mother,your children should find peace and be happy when they are with you.you should always learn to find happiness in your children no matter the situation.dont push too much.remember there are people who wish to be in your shoes right now,some people have got situations far worse than your SO BE PATIENT.ALKLAH IS WITH YOU.salam alaykom

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answered 11919 khadijah's gravatar image

Cant u guys compromise and try to resolve yr differences? You're asking him to leave his family-that is a BIG deal! Tell your in-laws and yr husband that you feel like yr being mistreated and yr depressed. He has to hear what you have to say bec as his wife, you have rights. I dont know if yr from the indian subcontinent but in-laws drama runs pretty deep and sometimes you may feel like an island. I know as a couple you need privacy and need to do things yr way, but then there's this complex dilemma of whether to leave yr mother and father in-law or not. Isam says to take care of yr elders and honor them. I dont know... I find this matter confusing. My mom had a lot of issues with the in-laws but my mom is a weirdo and does not believe in compromising. Consequently, my parents always bickered and fought and the kids were caught in between, and yes, we had to be the recipients of our mother's wrath and frustration, which ranged from physical to mental abuse. I still carry around a lot of emotional burden and no, my mother and i dont enjoy a healthy relationship. You have a lot to think about...my parents did move out, eventually, after my grandmother passed away.

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answered 252 HumorMe's gravatar image

Salaam sister. I was browsing this website randomly and came across your question. I made this account literally to put a reply to your post. I dont know if your problem has been solved yet, but anyways, Insha Allah Khair. Your post is something I can relate to and I wanted to share something with you from my own experience. I know this comment is long, but please take the time to read it.

I am a 35 yr old male from India. I was going through something like what your husband is going through right now abt 4 yrs ago. I too am a member of a joint family, and the elder brother of 2 brothers and one sister.

When I married my wife, she was told that she was to come in to a joint family, and separating is not a topic to be discussed. Roughly ten yrs after our marriage, God knows why things got heated and she constantly kept arguing and wanted us and the kids to separate from my family. She suddenly couldnt tolerate the other ladies in the house. For long we had kept arguing abt this while I was stubborn at the fact that I am not separating from my family, especially my mother. The reason I am posting this here is to tell my side of the story.

Can you imagine where I was standing. My wife was actually asking me to leave the woman who gave me birth, took care of me just because she suddenly couldnt adjust. Leave my brothers and sisters whom I saw growing up. Its not because I am the elder one, and our father has passed away. Even if I was the youngest one, I would still have the same decision. She suddenly started acting up after seeing the "perks" of living separated from family from our neighbours wives. But she herself grew up in a joint family. My mother is an old woman. I cant neglect my duties as a son, even if I have other siblings who share the same responsibility as me. God forbid anything happens to her, I will never be able to live down the guilt. I know I am still her son if I seperate, but things obviously will never be the same.

Imagine if u had a brother who is ready to leave your mother and you for his wife. How ill would you think of him? I have to think about them, they are my blood relatives after all. And you are a woman yourself, God Forbid some day comes when your own son wants to separate from you and your other children for the sake of his wife, wouldnt you question your own love and upbringing? And these things are secondary. How will I show my face to Him in Akhira when He questions me as to why I neglected my duties as a son? Jannat is below the feet of our mothers.

Sister, this is something my wife failed to understand. I dont know how related my situation is to yours, but please, if you can be abit more understanding, your happiness will be completely unharmed in the future. I only wish you learn from my lifestory.

At the moment, my wife lives on her own, and the kids keep rotating from my house and hers. We arent officially divorced, but we are seperated. I can only imagine what my kids are goin through. I only pay for the kids since I honestly have lost all my love and respect for my wife as soon as she started misbehaving with my mother. She began to speak with a high voice, rebel against everything she said and call her names behind her back. Please dont stoop to that level ever. For I dont think I can really forgive any disrespect to my mother. No child would. And honestly, I dont think she is really proud of her doings now due to her current state.

Sister, you have to be alot more understanding. This is how a joint family works. You have to forgive and forget, neglect everything that happens amongst family members, be it if it happened an hr ago. I really hope your life doesnt go as drastic and downhill as ours have gone, but you never know how silly stubborness could lead to such irradical decisions. Please be a lot more patient and understanding sister. The only reason I am telling you is that you have posted for help here. I really only wish for the best for your family.

Salaam

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answered 10 Just%20Helping's gravatar image

JazakAllah....I have got my answer. Thanks to all the repliees and especially the last one. May Allah bless all of you. Salaam to all

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answered 104 amaan's gravatar image

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