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I am almost 24. I was engaged when I was 22 to my second cousin. When his proposal came, my parents didn’t really like him because they knew we both liked eachother. But I never wanted to go against my parent’s will so I didn’t pursue him. When he started a good career, he sent his parents to my house. This impressed my parents and they thought he was serious in me and they also knew this marriage would make me happy. I got engaged to him but totally with my parent’s consent as it was their decision. And I was very much in contact with him because our parents were okay with it. He lived in another country so it was a long distance relationship. During our engagement period, a lot of issues arise between us. He didn’t really respect me and started taking me for granted and told each and every issue of ours to his parents. All those things were disclosed to me one year after the engagement. I got a little scared. He also started putting restrictions on me which were a little unfair. I started telling my parents that I was having problems. They listened to me but never really did anything. It came to the point that I was so depressed that my parents started taking notice. One month before the wedding, my father decided to take stand for me. My mother wasn’t ready. But they both agreed that he was doing wrong. I tried to do some reconciliation with him but he said you are being stupid but he didn’t make any attempt to stop me. My father called his parents and broke the engagement. His family started spreading rumors about me in family which was natural. My mother got really depressed. She kept on saying you loved him, how can you do that. She even went in denial and keeps saying that he was a good guy and you did wrong to him. I was in love but I know in my heart it was the right decision. I am not really ready to get married now instantly. But now my parents are forcing me to marry another cousin of mine who is a nice guy. I am totally against marrying someone in family. I want to escape all the “tags” and labels I am associated with. My parents say they won’t force me but I overhear them saying that they will get me married to this guy. They even blame me sometimes that we did everything for your happiness, so now you owe us. There is another guy that I know who proposed to me right after my engagement broke off. But he said he doesn’t have a job at the moment so he asked me to wait 2-3 months. I am very comfortable with him because I do have an understanding with him. And I know his family too. With him I can even pursue my career. But my father has made it clear that no love marriage and said that I’ll think that you used me to get out of the engagement because of this guy. I don’t know what to do. I even did Istakhara and still my mind doesn’t accept getting married to my cousin. I talked to my mother’s sister. She is on my side but she said your father won’t allow it because this cousin is his sister’s son. I pray regularly and I love my parents but when I think about getting married to someone I don’t feel comfortable with, I just can’t breathe. Because his family is NOT like me. I want to work along with my marriage. This other guy is totally okay with it. He is also in the same field as I am. I see a good future with him. He is religious. And he gives me nothing but respect. But my parents are not even ready to consider anyone else now. They don’t even know him or met him yet. This is affecting my personality and my life really bad. Please tell me what to do.

asked 1011 dazzlingdamsel's gravatar image

Asalamualeykum!!!! I have no enough knowledge bt using my small capacity I could say that going against the will of ur parent is not good as fur as ur story concerns ,since our beloved nabi [pbuh] had emphasised on kindness to parent is a major deed one can earn paradise , it is important to notice this than looking at ur happiness only and forsaking the one of ur parents ,with this am not saying suffocate yourself by accepting a life that u r not happy with,but try your best to convince your lovely parent by sitting with them and explain to them with love and care ,arrange a meeting for ur parents to met the man u love ,with those few remarks...........Allah knows best

answered 10 abdishukri's gravatar image

AssalamuAlaykum sister,

Memorise and pray Istikhara often. May Allah guide you to what is best for you.

These sort of things can be difficult, Allah is with you, remember Him often. Take a deep breath, in from your nose and out from your mouth. Take your time. Tell your father that you dont want to get married to your cousin, your not happy with that decision. Allah made it clear that a women should be able to choose her husband. With the brother that you have taken interest in, get him to visit your family after some time has passed. He needs to prove himself worthy to your parents. And then, inshaAllah the brother should then invite your family for dinner. This way he will be breaking barriers and developing a relationship with your family.

Another thing, try think of it this way, get married for the sake of Allah. Although it is still important to be compatible with your partner, that you like him etc

answered 334 Jibrail's gravatar image

you can marry your cousin as he is the 3rd grade of family blood line. as far as i know Kuran is ok with marriages at the 3rd degree of family relation.

Prohibited to you [for marriage] are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your father's sisters, your mother's sisters, your brother's daughters, your sister's daughters, your [milk] mothers who nursed you, your sisters through nursing, your wives' mothers, and your step-daughters under your guardianship [born] of your wives unto whom you have gone in. But if you have not gone in unto them, there is no sin upon you. And [also prohibited are] the wives of your sons who are from your [own] loins, and that you take [in marriage] two sisters simultaneously, except for what has already occurred. Indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful. Nisa:23

as you can see it doesnot forbid the marriage of cousins or relatives.

And [also prohibited to you are all] married women except those your right hands possess. [This is] the decree of Allah upon you. And lawful to you are [all others] beyond these, [provided] that you seek them [in marriage] with [gifts from] your property, desiring chastity, not unlawful sexual intercourse. So for whatever you enjoy [of marriage] from them, give them their due compensation as an obligation. And there is no blame upon you for what you mutually agree to beyond the obligation. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Wise. Nisa:24

another requirement for marriage (or relationship) according to Kuran is that the girl should accept the marriage with her own free will. if this requirement is not met in a potential marriage against your cousin, it will not be according to the religion.

answered 614 pargali's gravatar image
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Asked: Mar 02 '13 at 09:49

Seen: 6,793 times

Last updated: Mar 04 '13 at 11:33

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