Assalamu Alaikum. I urgently need advice and with that hope I come to you for guidance. I have a boyfriend and I know very well in Islam that's not allowed. We haven't committed zina or anything we just love each other very much. He used to do drugs and other bad things but he stopped all of that just for me. He hasn't gone down the bad road ever since we got together. He has been trying his best to be a good Muslim. My family found out about us two months ago and wanted me to not go to college anymore and get me married but that didn't happen because I apologized and everything. The other night I snuck out with him at night and left the back door unlocked so I could get back in but my brother locked it not knowing that I was out of the house. I came back around 5am and saw that the door was locked and there was no way for me to get back in. I called my boyfriend and we were thinking of a way to get in but there was no way at all. So he took me to his house. His family knows about our relationship and accepts it and want us to get married but my family won't ever allow it because they think he's a bad person that does drugs and steals but he doesn't do that and they won't believe me either. So finally around 1:30 my family notices that I'm not home and create a huge ruckus. They tried calling him and see where I was because they thought I ran away with him, but I'll never run away with him because my parents reputation means so much to them. So finally around 4 in the afternoon I finally decided to face them and get back home. I came home and saw my dad crying bitterly, I went upstairs and saw my mom crying bitterly as well. They all were worried sick as expected. My brothers (I have five brothers and am the only girl in the family) came home and they all sat down and made me talk to them. They yelled at me and stuff but didn't hit me. They keep asking me what I want to do. They said if I leave them for my boyfriend then they'll disown me and act as if I never existed. I honestly love my boyfriend and cannot leave him. I told my boyfriend all of this and he said if they kick me out then we can get married and live with him. I don't want to hurt anyone. My dad is a heart patient and my mom keeps saying that if anything happens to him then she'll curse me for life and will blame me for his death. No one in the family trusts me and it hurts to think of even leaving my boyfriend. They won't let me go to school anymore and my semester is almost done. I really need to finish this semester and do my final exams. I know all this is my fault and can't go back. I really don't want to leave my boyfriend but my boyfriend said he'll support me with whatever decision I make...but I don't want to leave him and my family will never agree to us getting married. I don't know what to do. Please help me ASAP!

asked 1011 masuma12's gravatar image

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(Apr 07 '13 at 23:42) Irfan Alam ♦ Irfan%20Alam's gravatar image

The one and only one answer to this question.

Leave the boyfriend for the sake of your parents. IF THEY WERE NOT, YOU WERE NOT.

They have brought up you to this age. How much difficulty they have faced in, do you ever thought.

You are in the age when decision is always took by heart not by brain. And the the decision not taken with involvement with brain results in failure almost everytime.

Dont want to go in Jannat?? If yes, then follow parents and if not, then follow yourself. Keep in mind Allah is watching all this and RELATION BEFORE MARRIAGE, PHYSICAL OR MENTAL, IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED IN ISLAM.

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answered 1.0k1935 Irfan%20Alam's gravatar image

Salaams, sister.

First off, I applaud your bravery and resilience to keep your relationship going. It clearly means a lot to you and it seems to me that if you're going to get married at all, its going to be to this guy.

From what you've written, I gather that your boyfriend's use of drugs was primarily recreational and a folly of his wild youthful days. If this is the primary reason your parents are opposed to it, please explain to them that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

Human lives are so fragile, all anyone needs is for someone who loves them to give them a chance, and they will be better people. This guy clearly cares a lot for you if he's still with you through all this, and you clearly care a lot about him to even ask the question on this forum.

You care about your family and your (InshaAllah) future husband too much to hurt either of them, and in my opinion, that is exactly the kind of woman a man should marry and exactly the kind of daughter a father should give in marriage.

Now, your parents aren't going to listen to your arguments or rationalisms because they are older and wiser and feel that they know best (which, in some cases, they probably do). I'd advise you to speak directly from the heart. Make them see how much you really care for this guy and your relationship with him. Show them the emotion you felt while writing this post. Make them understand that you won't be happy marrying anyone else and you don't want to end up being an old maid. Tell them that you respect each other and the relationship and the tenets of Islam so much that you've prevented the relationship from becoming carnal (if you need to, or leave this bit out).

You really need to make them believe that you-will-only-be-happy-in-this-life-if-you're-with-THIS-guy.

They should understand that the question here is not of family honor or anything, but of your entire life ahead of you. The way your life turns out in the future is based on the decisions you make now.

Tell them all this once, and then ask your boyfriend's family to talk to them. They will be far more likely to see reason and understand the situation if its coming from someone who's their age. Someone they believe to be intellectually and emotionally stable/mature. Also, if it seems proper, ask your five brothers to speak to them.

Your dad's heart-problem and mom saying she'd curse you could just be emotional blackmail and threats, but don't take that too lightly. Explain the happiness you get from being with your boyfriend.

Also, this is not your fault. It's no one's fault. If Allah SWT did not want you two to meet, he would never have introduced you to each other. Maybe there's a higher purpose in this that you aren't seeing. Maybe you two are meant for each other, it could mean anything. We humans are limited by our capacity to understand. Verily, all signs and understanding come from Allah.

Don't blame yourself, sister and don't blame your parents. They're just looking out for you. Go offer salaat and ask Allah for guidance. Allah has said that if you want to talk to him, you need only offer salaat, and if you want him to talk to you, you need only read the Quran.

All the best, sister. I'm rooting for you guys to get together! InshaAllah I hope you're able to maintain the peace with your family and have a steady, peaceful married life with this guy you love.

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answered 21127 HamzaC's gravatar image

Salaam @masuma12 sister,

You have no need to run away, in addition to the great advice from Hamzac, I would suggest that you involve some respectable community elders into the discussion. If you don't have anyone you can turn to for support, find neutral party you know your Islamic respect (eg mosque /Islamic community leader /Muslim women's group /councillors etc) and ask them to support firstly in a meeting with yourpparents and then with a view for boys parents to join in subsequent meeting)

If you can't get family members to help, use the resources around you as I believe handled in the right way you can lead a happy and success life as you desire.

Good luck and peace

Denmark786

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answered 102 denmark786's gravatar image

Move out ??? No! Your parents love you. And you have rights to them. You need to consider what they say and want for you. If this man is the one Allah subhana WA ta'ala wants for you., your parents will agree. Listen to your family and call on Allah subhana WA ta'ala. And if by listening to your family thus man decides to not give you time then is he really worth it?.

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answered 1.6k313 sadie's gravatar image
edited May 04 '13 at 00:22

Leave the guy because PROPHET SAID ALLAH SUBHANA WAT'ALA PLEASURE,MERCY IS IN THE PLEASURE OF BOTH PARENTS AND HIS ANGER IS IN THE ANGER OF YOUR PARENTS.ANYONE WHOM ALLAH SUBHANA WAT'ALA IS NOT PLEASED WITH WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL AND HIS deeds will not be accepted. I SWEAR BY ALLAH SUBHANA WAT'ALA THAT IF YOU GO AHEAD AND MARRY THIS GUY WITHOUT THE MERCY,WILL OF YOUR PARENTS, THE marriage will not be successful and the end will be bitter. Marriage in islam must start from the parent.because a good marriage is islam in accordance with sunnah,IT IS THE PARENTS,GUIDANCE WHO will look for partner for their child not the child will go out and bring a partner.also the background of the partner to choose will be checked if it is good,they will continue with the investigation.if bad they may end it and look for another person. On what you explained,beg your parents with ALLAH SUBHANA WAT'ALA TO ALLOW YOU TO MARRY THE GUY. If they disagree,then you have to leave him.and if they agree they will continue start their investigations on his background,religion,belief. If faulty they may decide to end it.if they do then you must not marry him. YOU WILL ASK THEM TO GET YOU A PARTNER in which they would have know more about him. Do not do any thing against the SUNNAH AND AGAINST THE WILL OF YOUR PARENTS,GUIDANCE. ALLAH SUBHANA WAT'ALA KNOWS BEST.

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answered 259312 abdulrasaqtoheeb11's gravatar image

Honor of the family name is by all means important! I get the respect your parents/family yadda yadda, but out of fear or respect? I hope it is respect.

The social standings of Muslims in their communities is shallow to say the least. Who cares what the neighbors will say? Why would any loving parent hold back that which would give their child happiness? So they don't look bad? Those who judge others on the basis of such things are not being looked kindly on in the eyes of ALLAH. He is the only true judge for us, He is the one with wich we will answer to for our actions. Not the lady next door or cousin Noor....

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answered 101 SadConfusedWife's gravatar image
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Asked: Apr 07 '13 at 22:36

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Last updated: May 04 '13 at 22:13


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