Salaams, brothers and sisters. Please take the time to read this, I know its a huge post, but please help a brother in need of guidance.
I am a 24 year old Muslim from India. I pray my salaah often (not as much as I would like, InshaAllah, I will pray more). I constantly (like 4-5 times an hour) read ayat-ul-kursi or one of the 4 Qul Surahs, or recite Allah-hu-Akbar or Alhamdulillah or Ashadu-an-la-ilaha-illallah-wa-ashadu-anna-muhammadan-abduhu-wa-rasooluhu. I always remember Allah.
I want to know whether using marijuana is allowed in Islam, or whether it is makroo, or haraam.
I know that most of you out there will say that anything that intoxicates you is outright haraam, but lets take a moment to define "intoxication".
In my opinion, intoxication, when speaking from an Islamic standpoint, is a mental state where a person cannot bear witness to the fact that there is no deity worthy of worship except Allah SWT and Muhammad SAW is his messenger. A mental state where a person only wants to act upon his primal instincts without second thought, or concern for consequences and/or liabilities. A state of inebriation where only base desires and instincts are considered. A state of mind where a man cannot speak properly and/or forgets Allah and his messenger, his books, his angels and jinns and the final day of judgement.
Now, I have been smoking marijuana for about 6 years. I feel that it has made me a more open-minded person (verily, everything in the Heavens and Earth is sent from Allah since infinite time), I'm not trying to say that marijuana has made me awesome or anything, all I'm saying is that it has opened my mind to new ways of thinking and experiencing or interpreting situations and phenomena in the same way as a work of literature or art would have. It has enabled me to be more empathetic and understanding, its made me a calmer person, less anxious. It's made me more inclined towards studying and understanding things we usually take for granted. It's made me more able to appreciate art in all its forms, to understand the mood and mental state of the artist. I understand the math behind art and the math behind science, at least how much we have defined as "science". It's enabled me to explore parts of my mind that I would not venture into because something else would distract me. It's enhanced my focus in this way. I feel lighter and less worried, I'm able to let go of things I usually hold on to like grudges and enmities. I'm able to come to terms with traumatic instances in my childhood, like being picked on at school, or being talked down to by teachers, or being insulted and ragged. (These are all verifiable changes I've noticed in myself since before and after taking marijuana, of course, I could be wrong and it could be because of something else entirely.).
I'm not an atheist and I believe that science is only what we have been able to define so far. Many theories and concepts in science, physics, astro-physics, etc. exist only as hypothesis, hanging on very weak experiments (whose results may have been mis-read or mis-interpreted), and only exist because they cannot be disproved by any yet known method of scientific exploration. Much in the same way that many of Einstein's theories are being proved wrong now.
There are many questions I have that are unanswered. Like, Allah puts everything in people's paths. Marijuana was put before me by Allah SWT, but I want to know whether it was some kind of a test, like whether I would take it, or whether it was given to me as some kind of answer to my anxiety, or my questions about life. I don't know, I'm very lost and confused right now, I hope I'm not committing a sin by asking these questions. Verily, Allah knows my intentions are pure and for knowledge only.
The reason I'm feeling so lost and confused is because, on some level deep down, I feel that taking marijuana is bad. I don't know if its because the Governments of the world have deemed it "illegal" or whether its because we've been told all our lives that things like this are "wrong" or whether its because I'm programmed in such a way as to feel guilty for being associated with it.
Brothers and sisters, please answer my questions. You'd really be helping me out.