---Please read it could be extremely beneficial for me if i may get some answers
I haven't really discussed this with any one really but the thing is my whole life i have never really felt at peace. I have always been a extremely shy or/and had social anxiety which has made doing almost everything a challenge. You may think like Oh he's just a little shy and it will pass BUT no i have always felt like this since i can remember(since 4-5 years of age) I have always and still do feel like an outcast like i don't belong anywhere. Walking in the streets is thought to be something easy and simple for most people but for me i feel what i can only describe as emotional pain where my insides feel like there constantly being squeezed in making me feel very uncomfortable and my mind feeling like it is being eaten away. I have always envied other people simply because there able to live a fairly normal life where they don't have to fear walking in public. I dont know what it is i suspect its me being afraid of what other people might think of me or that they are constantly judging me but i have literally no control over this. I have tried so many.. so many thing to overcome this but even if im thinking something completely different whilst walking in public but part of me always seems to find a way to bring me down in pain. If you are wondering what it is i feel, imagine yourself in a roller-coaster take part of that and add it to constant and everyday situations and imagine how it must be like for me. I usually spend my days trapped or even in prisoned in my own home hardly ever going out maybe just to just for training. When i think of my life.. I just think i wouldn't care if i was just murdered one day as it would be like the suffering is over. When i am out i am constantly looking for situations to which i may be able to do a last good deed before i perish for instance if im at a train stop and i saw someone fall onto the tracks with a train seconds away i would for SURE jump in front to save the person because it could mean death for me and Allah may find it to be a good deed to save someone. The suffering is stopping me from going to mosque, from going to some islamic teachings and doing other things i would like and enjoy to do i fear it will be like this forever.
So my question is what can i do (regarding islam) to stop this or even ease the pain a little i fear it may one day lead to a life of complete sin which i would rather die then to let happen.
(Also i a good guy i dont like sinning and when i do it is very small and i feel terrible afterwards. I pray 5 times a day, give Zakat and overall act like a good person. What made me write this is the fact i have made so many Dua's so Allah may help me but help never arrives and recently i failed a test i greatly prepared for and made numerous Dua's concerning it but failed which hit me pretty hard).