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I am a 19year old Muslim girl and I am in a relationship with a 21 year old Muslim boy.We are not married,but have a physical relation.I knew it was not right,but I did not know the magnitude of this wrong.His family knows about us,and so does my elder sister.I know that I will marry him.He is about to graduate and is just waiting to properly settle down before he comes and talks to my parents.In Islam premarital sex and having relationships is not allowed because of all the hurt and problems it may cause later.But,if no wrong is going to happen,then...?i would really appreciate your help as to what I should do now....

asked 10113 helpme's gravatar image
edited May 03 '13 at 10:04

A relationship between a man and a woman outside of marriage, which is what is called an unlawful relationship, is haraam, regardless of the level of this relationship and whether it goes as far as an intimate relationship or zina (sexual relationship), which is the most reprehensible and abhorrent type of sins and one of the gravest of major sins that poses the greatest danger to the individual’s religious commitment and faith, or it is less than that, such as looking, touching or kissing. All of that is haraam and these are types of zina in the general sense, and are things that lead to the greater immoral action. 

If marriage takes place after a haraam relationship between a man and woman, then one of the following scenarios must apply: 


Either that marriage comes after an illegitimate sexual relationship, in which case the marriage is not valid except on the condition that both the man and woman repent from zina and it be established that the woman is not pregnant as a result of the haraam relationship, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “The adulterer/fornicator marries not but an adulteress/fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress/fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer/fornicater or a Mushrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely, he is either an adulterer/fornicator, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater). And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer/fornicator, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islâmic Monotheism)” [al-Noor 24:3]. 


That marriage comes after a haraam relationship, but the relationship did not go as far as zina, such as kissing, touching and other haraam actions that are less serious than zina. In this case the marriage is valid, because it cannot be said of those who fell into this haraam relationship that they committed zina. 

You should note that correspondence and contact between the sexes is one of the doors that lead to fitnah (temptation). Sharee’ah is filled with evidence which indicates that it is essential to beware of falling into the traps of the shaytaan in this matter. When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw a young man merely looking at a young woman, he turned his head so as to make him look away, then he said: “I saw a young man and a young woman, and I did not trust the shaytaan not to tempt them.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (885) and classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 

This does not mean that it is haraam for a man or woman to like a specific person whom he or she chooses to be a spouse, and feel love for that person and want to marry them if possible. Love has to do with the heart, and it may appear in a person’s heart for reasons known or unknown. But if it is because of mixing or looking or haraam conversations, then it is also haraam. If it is because of previous acquaintance, being related or because of hearing about that person, and one cannot ward it off, then there is nothing wrong with that love, so long as one adheres to the sacred limits set by Allaah. 

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: 

If love develops for a reason that is not haraam, a person cannot be blamed for that, such as one who loves his wife or his slave woman, then he leaves her but that love remains and does not leave him. He is not to be blamed for that. The same applies if he glances accidentally then looks away, but love may settle in his heart without him wanting it to. But he has to ward it off and look away. End quote. 

Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (p. 147). 

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: 

A person may hear that a woman is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable, so he may want to marry her. Or a woman may hear that a man is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable and religiously committed, so she may want to marry him. But contact between the two who admire one another in ways that are not Islamically acceptable is the problem, which leads to disastrous consequences. In this case it is not permissible for the man to get in touch with the woman or for the woman to get in touch with the man, and say that he wants to marry her. Rather he should tell her wali (guardian) that he wants to marry her, or she should tell her wali that she wants to marry him, as ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) did when he offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them both). But if the woman contacts the man directly, this is what leads to fitnah (temptation). End quote. 

Liqaa’aat al-Baab il-Maftooh (26/question no. 13) 

it is essential to stop corresponding with this young man, and tell him that he has to propose to you through your wali, if he really does want to get married. He should not regard his material circumstances or anything else as a barrier. The matter is simple, in sha Allaah, and if a person is content with little, Allaah will make him independent of means by His grace and bounty. He should at least contact your wali and do the shar’i marriage contract, and if the consummation is delayed there is nothing wrong with that. But if it remains as a promise to get married, ande correspondence continues between you on that basis, this – according to the rulings of sharee’ah and the experience of real life – is a wrong path that opens the door to sin and corruption. You can be certain that you will never find happiness except by obeying Allaah and adhering to the limits set by his sharee’ah. The permissible ways are sufficient and there is no need for haraam means, but we make it hard for ourselves and the shaytaan takes advantage of that. 

Your delay in getting married is very harmful for you. You are getting older and this young man’s circumstances are not improving; you are not marrying him and you are not marrying anyone else. Beware of delaying, for that will only cause harm. You should realize that one of these men who have proposed marriage may be more religiously committed and righteous than that young man, and there may be far greater love with him than there is between you and that young man. 

answered 73210 Light's gravatar image

After completing his graduation,he'll be going back home to start the business,and so,I won't be meeting him for 5-6 is then that he'll come to talk to my parents along with his own....I won't be marrying him parents will marry me off only after my,there have been no other proposals as far as I am aware. And I do not think you have read my question properly....we are already in a physical I can not even think of marrying anyone else...

(May 05 '13 at 01:30) helpme helpme's gravatar image

Well u should read the whole post again because the answer is in there. If u had committed zina than the marriage will not count in the sight of Allah and the children will be illegimate children. Only on the condition that you and him are in sincere repentence to Allah. Which repentence has conditions to be fulfilled then the marriage will be accepted. But, you can't not fool allah so u have to be sinecer in this matter. You must abstain from him. If u did not get that serious than he should ask your parents permission to marry you, but you should not be close to him until he is ready

(May 05 '13 at 04:38) Light ♦ Light's gravatar image

What conditions...?

(May 05 '13 at 08:02) helpme helpme's gravatar image

If his parents know that their son and you have a physical relation then sorry to say but his parents has really no knowledge of deen and they are Muslims only by name.

Who told you that in Islam premarital sex is not allowed because of all the hurt and problems it may cause later? Islam has forbidden this act and it is one of the gravest sin in Islam and Islam has also prescribed the punishment of 100 lashes for unmarried adulterers and Stone to Death for married adulterers. This sin corrupts the whole society and Islam draws a line between lawful and unlawful. (Nikah) Marriage makes us human and different from animals.

Holy Qur'an says,

Say (O Muhammad SAW): "(But) the things that my Lord has indeed forbidden are Al-Fawahish (great evil sins, every kind of unlawful sexual intercourse, etc.) whether committed openly or secretly, sins (of all kinds), unrighteous oppression, joining partners (in worship) with Allah for which He has given no authority, and saying things about Allah of which you have no knowledge." [Holy Qur'an 7:33]

It is the Hadith S.A.W that,

"Once a young man came to the Prophet (S.A.W) asking permission for committing fornication. The people, then, started to rebuke him and said, "shush, shush." Then he (S.A.W) asked him, “Do you like it for your mother?” “No may Allah make me a sacrifice for you”, the man replied. “So are people.” the Prophet (S.A.W) asked again, “Do you like it for your daughter?” No may Allah make me a sacrifice for you,” the man replied. "So are people." The Prophet (S.A.W) commented. The Prophet asked once more, “Do you like it for your sister'?" the man replied “No may Allah make me a sacrifice for you.” The Prophet (S.A.W) commented. “So are people.” The Prophet (S.A.W) eventually asked, “Do you like it for your aunt?” The man replied" No may Allah make me a sacrifice for you.” The Prophet (S.A.W) commented, so are people." Whereupon the Prophet (S.A.W) placed his hand upon him and said, "O Allah! May you forgive his sins, purify his heart and make him chaste. The young man did not pay attention to any thing else thereafter.

[Reported by Al-Hakim]

Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of society. It is a violation of a marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages in the USA result in divorce within two years and the main reason for divorce are the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery, which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in this society.

answered 1.2k16 believer's gravatar image
edited May 03 '13 at 12:50

I think I wasn't clear in my writing.His mother,elder brother and elder sister as well as my elder sister know about our relationship,as in they know that we both want to marry each other....they do not know about our physical relations....and I hope that they so not have to find out about is a sin I know.but the sin has already been committed. All of the rulings in Islam are based on various reasons for the welfare of humans themselvesor so I read.all the things forbidden have a reason as to why they came into existence. That's why in my question I also wrote why is it wrong. I do not want my or his family to know about this sin of ours. I haven't been brought up in an environment filled with Qur'anic I was not aware of the severity of my act.That is why I ask you to help is only recently that I have started going through all that Quran says.

(May 03 '13 at 17:42) helpme helpme's gravatar image

I agree when you say Islam forbidden some things for the welfare of society. Islam also prescribed punishments for sins so that it will become an example and no one will try to break Allah's law.

And I have stated in my answer that this sin corrupts the whole society so the committerr become the criminal of whole society; they do not only wrong themselves but the society, Islamic values, increase shameful actions. There will be no use of getting married if all are allowed to do sexual intercourse without marriage.

(May 04 '13 at 06:26) believer ♦ believer's gravatar image

Ask your boyfriend, if all that he has done is OK. then will he allow the same for his sister, daughter and mother? Some may love them as well. I am sure if he will never say that he is fine with this, but if he says its alright then you can imagine what will the society become? Because every single act of shamefulness leads to do more shameful acts and we will end up in a society where Husband will not know that his wife has slept with 10 men and vice versa.

See, it corrupts the whole society. Check the surveys how many child births are taking place outside marriage in West.

(May 04 '13 at 06:35) believer ♦ believer's gravatar image

As you are only 19, it was the duty of your parents to teach you Islam.

(May 04 '13 at 06:42) believer ♦ believer's gravatar image

It was not meant to be like this....I know what I did was wrong.....but see ,like you said,it is a crime against society,n that if it happens all the time then,it would all be messed up....husbands won't know how many ppl the wife has slept with or vice versa. But,if there is no such thing that is going to happen....then? As ironical as it may seem,I started getting and learning all the Qur'anic knowledge from my boyfriend himself....although,he avoided my question on the haraam we had committed....he said he will givethe exact answer after referring other books....I had asked him yesterday....

(May 04 '13 at 09:49) helpme helpme's gravatar image

The best thing for you to do is to take the courage, repent sincerely to Allah and leave this person for the sake of your honour and face the trials that follows.if this person blackmails you or threaten you that he will say this and that to your family, then let him do. because this show the true meaning of this relationship. One cannot preach Islam and do against its sayings unless there is a sincere forgiveness to Allah and the promise of not returning to this sin again. Reflect on this:Life, graduations and success are all for this short life. Are you ready to face Allah and when then this sin will be make public? Are you ready to be among those people who did this sin or else work now against this sin (forgive and acknowledgement)?

Love for Allah should be greater in you. The wide facility of internet should be enabling you to look for Islam dear,and not still saying you lack knowledge about it.

Many questions like this has been answered here:

you can search for more on this website

answered 601 Nehir's gravatar image

as salaam alaikum,

Premarital relations are wrong because it is a form of arrogance which can possibly lead to shirk. When Allah ta'ala tells us to not do something and we do it anyway, we are putting our own desires above Allah.

It is, of course, possible to have sex outside of marriage and no harm actually come to society, and it is even possible to have sex outside of marriage and no physical harm come to those involved. But the real harm comes from putting our own nafs (ego) and desires on the same level as or even above Allah, wa audhubillah, and there is absolutely no way to intentionally break one of Allah's rules which is clearly written in the Qur'an for our own desires without damaging our own imaan (faith).

Having premarital sex with someone you intend to marry also risks shirk because you are saying you know better than Allah what Allah has willed. How do you know that your fiance will live to marry you? How do you know your fiance will not change his mind? The truth is, none of us know the Qadr of Allah until it falls upon us.

My advice is to make sure that you and your fiance are no longer able to be alone together. This way both of you can sincerely repent to Allah ta'ala for your sins, and you can continue with your plans for marriage if it is the will of Allah ta'ala.

Also, please take this time away from your fiance to balance your decision to marry him between your emotions and your intellect. He may be the man you want, but is he the husband you need?

May Allah give you the taqwa to leave zinnah completely. May He give you the spouse who is best for you in this duniya, and who will inspire you towards jannah. Ameen.

answered 204 TMI%20Hijabi's gravatar image
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Asked: May 03 '13 at 08:22

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Last updated: Jun 06 '13 at 14:04

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