Asalaam alaikum, I would desperately like ur advice on a personal matter as i really dont know how to deal with it.
I am a 32 year old muslim sister who has been married for almost 7 years, the marriage was arranged through my parents and i agreed to accept him as my husband as he was a hafiz and seemed to be a good man who i hoped would guide me too.
I have always been quite content in my marriage, we had ups and downs which most couples experience but generally my husband has always been good to me. We have 3 children together mashallah.
When i was pregnant with my 3rd child and i was 8 and a half months pregnant i made a terrifying discovery which has just ruined my life. I normally always trusted mu husband and he never gave me reason not to, but i kept gettin dreams thats my husband bought a second wife home which i would be totally against. I couldn't understand why i was feeling like this and i randomly decided to check my husbands phone one morning. I discovered a number had been called over s past few days at all hours in the morning. When i dialled the number i discovered it was an escort agency who offer sex. I was devastated as i could not believe what i was hearing.
I didnt know how to best deal with the situation. I prayed to Allah and begged for guidance and strength to deal with the situation in a calm manner. I confronted my husband and my worst fears were true. He admitted he had been to the agency recently and was sorry for what he had done. He begged for forgiveness when i asked him why he went not able to give me an explanation as to to why he went. I was so hurt and upset but as i was due to give birth any day we agreed to accept it as a mistake.
It didnt mean we had forgotten but i just put it down to being misled by shaitaan and he was sorry for what he had done. A few days later i gave birth, we didnt talk about it for weeks after. We had not been intimate for a few months now as i was quite big the last month of my pregnancy and had heavy bleeding after but i was expecting him to be.
Almost 5 weeks after i made the discovery he was intimate with me as i was still bleeding he actually didnt have intercourse with me and instead gave himself s hand job. I was so upset as im feeling low self esteem as it is. I find it really awkward to tell him i want sex now because it doesnt feel comfortable telling him.
I since came across old mobile phone bills for the past year and i discovered he has been going these prostitutes for the past year. He was almost going every day sometimes twice a day, i dont understand, he lied to me about only ever going that time which i had discovered. How could he. He stopped in ramzan and back again on eid day, the worst thing is he prays namaaz aswell and looks really islamic with a beard.
Again j confronted him about this and he had no explanation to give me, iv been upset and hurt so much recently that i font know how much more pain i can take. All hd feels now id that im constantly nagging him. He has promised that the past mistakes will be left in the past and he wont ever do that again.
How can i ever trust him again. Our sex life is non existent at the moment and i know this is going to encourage him to go again but i just dont know how to bring my husband close to me, even iv i feel like gettin intimate with my husband i feel like j cant say it to him. Im blaming myself for what hes doing. I want to save my marriage but cant trust him.
I need to know how i can try to stay calm , what i can do to save my marriage and how can i get my husband interested in me. I work so hard for my family but my efforts seem worthless.
Please someone guide me. I feel so alone abc lost. I cant even tell anyone because its such a private matter between us.
Praise be to Allah.
What the man is doing of having a haraam (an unlawful) relationship with a woman who is not his mahram is a betrayal of the rights of Allah before it is a betrayal of the rights of his wife. The Muslim is bound by a covenant with his Lord, may He be exalted, and what he is required to do is to fulfil that covenant and not break it. Moreover, this is not what the individual is enjoined to do in response to the blessings that his Lord has bestowed upon him. Allah, may He be glorified, has blessed him with good health, well-being and a wife and children, either now or soon, in sha Allah. The way to show gratitude for these blessings is not to waste this good health and well-being in haraam relationships with non-mahram women, and the way to show gratitude for the blessing of the wife and children is not by neglecting them and breaking ties with them. Allah, may He be exalted, has promised to those who give thanks increased blessings and He warns those who are ungrateful for blessings of a severe punishment, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily! My Punishment is indeed severe”
What appears to be the case in your situation with your husband is that you have a place in his heart; were it not for that he would have hastened to end the marital relationship between you after he found out that you are aware of his haraam relationship with that woman. This is something that should be used to put pressure on him to give up this sin and end that haraam relationship. We think that you should treat him very kindly and do not fall short in treating him kindly; you should also adorn yourself for him, wear your best clothes and create a pleasant atmosphere for him in the house, because he may be missing that altogether or in part. You should also advise him and admonish him, and warn him against continuing to commit haraam actions. You should explain to him what his punishment will be with Allah in the Hereafter, or in the Hereafter and this world; indeed you should warn him that Allah may punish him for such sin with regard to his family, as he may be tested with marriage to a woman, or with having a daughter, who does with men what he is doing with women – what will his reaction be in that case?
I advise you not to let many people know about what your husband is doing, because the basic principle is to conceal sins that are unknown. What we want is that which will help mend his ways, not that which may be taken as a means to continue what he is doing of committing sin.
Fill his time with useful and beneficial things, and do not leave him time when he is alone with his shaytaan! His daily schedule should be full, either with acts of worship such as upholding ties of kinship or attending Islamic study circles, or he should be busy with worldly matters that are beneficial and permissible, such as exercise.
Offer a lot of du‘aa (supplication) for him to be guided and set straight, for the best weapon of the believer is du‘aa’. Strive hard to offer du‘aa’ in the last third of the night and when prostrating.
Finally, if what is mentioned above does not succeed in putting a stop to that haraam relationship of his the woman, then you have two options:
(i) you can ask a family member or an imam who who you think can advise him and get through him.
(ii) Or you can ask for a divorce (talaaq), but start by threatening to ask for it, then if he remains as he is you have the right to seek a way out of the calamity you are faced with by asking for a divorce. The final resort in medical treatment is cautery, as it is said, and despite the pain of this cautery (divorce), it will give you a way out from the distress and anger you are feeling, and it will protect you and your children from the possibility of fitnah (tribulation) because of your husband’s misbehaviour and his haraam relationship, whether that protection has to do with your religious commitment, honour or health.
This is what I can give you by way of advice. May Allah guide your husband and set his affairs straight; i ask Allah to reconcile between you when he is adhering to righteousness and obedience towards Allah.
Make Salat-l-Istikhara and your guidance will come from Allah alone. What Light said, indeed go for it. But really, in case of true Islamic Law, this man deserves severe punishment.
Know your rights withing your islam please sister. And those are all trails to you.
This link gives a good overview of how to perform Salah Istikhara:
May Allah guide you and lease do not be blind because of the failure of one marriage. Your children and yourself as a muslim woman deserves all rights.
First i would like to thank u Light and Neher for taking the time and effort to respond to my post. I am very grateful to Allah subhana wu ta' allah for everything I have. Even the difficulty i am going through could be a blessing in disguise. I am trying to work thongs out with my husband. He does seem to be sorry for what he has been doing. Light your advice was very beneficial to me. Although i do not think i have been neglecting my husband maybe I could give him more attention that I have been. I do believe he loves me and the kids and does not want to lose us.
I have however told my husband that i will forgive him for what has happened but i will not accept this behaviour to continue. If it happens again then i will consider leaving him as i deserve more respect than that.
I kust wish i could understand why he felt the need to go to other women when he had me. I do everything for him. How can someone do something like that and pray namaaz like its all normal. I am trying to understand and be patient i just pray my efforts are not wasted and my husband does not give in to temptation.
Make duah for me.
In response to your reply, if i constantly suspect him and monitor i will go crazy. I totally understand why u would say that bug in reality if i have chosen to forgive him and make a go of my marriage i need to be able to try to trust him. If i constantly monitor all his moved i will not be able to move on from these disgusting thoughts that are eating me away.
Im not going to ignore what has happened, obviously im naturally more cautious than before and if at any point i suspect anything i will not ignore it and i will leave him but for the sake of my marriage and my childrens happiness u have to forgive him this time.
I have not got him tested, i expect these ladies who work in these escort agencies are more careful than street corner prostitutes, maybe im stupid for thinking that but i really dont know how to bring that issue up. I live in the UK.
All i kindly ask from you is to pray for me and my family, especially for my husband, because i do love him dearly even though he has hurt me so much, and i pray we can get through this difficult time as a family.. Ameen.
Insha Allah our Dua'aas are with you, sister in Islam. Ask Allah for guidance and your way will be open. we are all humans and we judge by a slight margin. but it is you who know really your husband. if you think he repents back to Allah alone and be the good muslim man and father, Allah will guide Him.But this has to be from Him
If you really want to, counsel him and make him realise the importance of his forgiveness.
Once again, Allah the Most Exalted One has given you this burden but it is Him alone that shall free you.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah Verse 286: On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear.
And in Chapter 67 Surah Al Mulk verse 2: He (Allah) created death and life that He may test you, to see which of you is the best in deeds.
Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verses 155-157: Be sure We shall test you with something of fear, and hunger, some loss in goods, or lives, or the fruits (of your toil); but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Who say when afflicted with calamity: "To Allah we belong and to Him is our return." They are those on whom (descend) blessings from Allah and Mercy; and they are the ones that receive guidance.
My mother used to tell me to wake up for tahjudd and do salah, thank Allah, let Allah subahanawatalla become your close friend, your intimate, seed the sweetness of faith and in this morning for tahjudd, read surah Al-bakarah last 10 verses. the Quraan is the guide, dear sister.
Do Salah Istikhara,continous dua because Allah alone is your saviour.
Dua of Adam (A.S) to Allah in repentance:
رَبَّنَا ظَلَمْنَا أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمْ تَغْفِرْ لَنَا وَتَرْحَمْنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ الْخَاسِرِينَ (7:23)
Rabbana thalamna anfusana wain lam taghfir lana watarhamna lanakoonanna mina alkhasireena
"Our Lord! We have wronged ourselves. If You forgive us not, and bestow not upon us Your Mercy, we shall certainly be of the losers."
Al-Qur'an, 007.023 (Al-Araf [The Heights])
2) Dua of Yunus (A.S) repenting to Allah in the belly of the whale: لَّا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنتَ سُبْحَانَكَ إِنِّي كُنتُ مِنَ الظَّالِمِينَ (21:87)
la ilaha illa anta subhanaka innee kuntu mina alththalimeena
“La ilaha illa Anta [none has the right to be worshipped but You (O Allah)], Glorified (and Exalted) are You [above all that (evil) they associate with You]. Truly, I have been of the wrong-doers."
Al-Qur'an, 021.087 (Al-Anbiya [The Prophets])
All you need to do is to accept reality, face it no matter how hard. As woman myself, I will tell you to be very very cautious (but not to do excessive monitoring) Once he did, twice he did but the third time, this gonna be really hard.
In Uk, you can get family counselling and also, you should go and ask the help of the Muslim society in your region.
Reflect on this please: you have forgiven him but has Allah subahanawata'laa did?
Insha Allah, you and your family are in my du'aas.
Please inform us of any changes.,for our herat are in pain with you.
I am a christian so wont talkabout this from a specific muslim point of view (as I am clearly not qualified lol). However as I was reading your story.
I thought of some other possible reasons your husband has been to the escort service - that maybe you could try and talk to him about.
For example, he may have some specific fantasies, or experiences that he maybe has fantisised about all his life. And it may be that he was afraid t ever bring those up with you, as he was not sure how you felt about whatever these things were. What I have been told about the islam culture is that there can be limitations on the amount of contact a man can have with women before he marries (and vice versa). Is it possible, that as a result of that, he has been curious about maybe different positions, or fantasies (like dressing up, etc)? And if so, is it also possible that he may have many times dreamed of indulging in those fantasies with you, but he was not sure how you would react. So rather than risk rejection he did not ever tell you what he was wanting? It coudl also be, for all you know, that when he was visiting the escort, he was closing his eyes, and in his mind, it was you and he, not the escort. If he does have some specific positions or fantasy that he has always wanted to try, and if he =has thought many times about experiencing this with you, it couldbe that he has been afraid to ever broach it, because as long as he didnt ask, you could not say no, and in his head, in his imagination, he could imagine that one day you and he would be able to enjoy it together....
It seems to me that if he has been seeing a prostitute, then he does NOT want to bring in a 2nd wife, because he has sought out sexual relations with the specific intention of ensuring there was NO RISK of the woman ever thinking that he was interested in an emotional or committed relationship with her.
It might be really hard to do this, but it seems to me, if you dont find out, you will be in agony anyway, so really, nothing to lose. Maybe one day when he and you are feeling close (as close as you can in he current situation) and it seems right, you could ask him. Try and bring up the subject in a way that comunicates to him, that while, obviiously you are hurt and angry, you would like to really understand how this happened - not so you can cast blame, but so you can resolve whatever t underlying issue is, and move past it and rebuild your marriage with honesty and therefore an opportunity to eventually trust each other again.
For example you could say something like:
"While it hurts me so much what you did, I also know, because I have been your wife for these years, that you are a good, honest and decent man. As much as I am angry and hurt, common sense tells me that you would never intentionally cause me this pain unless you felt that you did not have any other choice open to you. I would really like to understand how you came to feel that way, so that we can try and make sure that you never feel that way again.
I know that if you can be honest with me, that it will probably upset me to hear you talk about it. But I also know that something had to be very wrong, for you to have felt that you needed to do this thing, and I feel that the only way we can move forward from this, is for us to be honest with each other. I need to understand how you were feeling and why you did this thing.
If you decide to do this, you need to take some time yourself to think about it before hand, and to think about, and consider the most hurtful reasons he may have had for what he did, and how you will respond if he opens up with you and tells you honestly why he behaved this way. What I mean is that if you do this, and he is completely open with you, then its very likely that when he is telling you why he went to a prostitute, that you will find yourself feeling very hurt, very angry, and it will be incredibly difficult not to lash out. He may even say things that feel as though he is trying to blame it on you (and of course your instant reaction if you are like me, would be to think "how dare you, what a nerve - not only do you cheat - but you try and blame me for your failings?! If you wish to save your marriage you will need to prepare youself for that and be ready to remain calm and not give in to the temptation to yell at him, or cry, or get angry and leave the room, etc. Id suggest you simply listen to what he says, ask him to clarify where you are unsure about what he means - but really focus on not getting angry (at least not right then). Then if at the end of the conversation you are simply too angry and/or hurt to say anything to him (ie you just want to yell at him, or throw something at him), just say, thank you for being honest. I need some time to think about what you have said. And then take all the time you need to do that.
Aparently the reasons men visit escorts are rarely becuase they dont want or love their wifes. They are usually more about the man. For example that he is afraid his wife does not really find him attractive, or he fears she would be offended if he were honest about what he would like to do in the bedroom with her, or if she is pregnant, he is terrified he will hurt her or the baby, and visits the prostitute because in his mind it is keeping his wife and child safe from him...
I am not trying to excuse what he did, or suggest that you dont have every right to be angry and hurt. I guess what I am trying to say, is that if you truly wish to try and save your marriage, you will need to put aside your need to feel justified, and let go of blame (and with it, your own hurt, anger and pain) in order to understand what went wrong, and then if its possible, rebuild a stronger marriage from that understanding. It may turn out that his reasons for doing this are ones that you simply cannot understand or reconcile yourself to, and it may be that your marriage ends. But at least if you have the understanding of what his motivations were, you will be able to make the best decision (whether to try and rebuild your marriage or to end it). If there are things you cannot live with, then whether you know about them or not, those things are there so best to know. And if the reasons he did this are things that you can together work through and resolve, then of course you have to know where to start... So either way, it seems to me that you really have to try and talk to your husband in a non confrontational way, so that he will feel that it is possible for him to tell you exactly what he was thinking and feeling and why he did what he did.
I wish you all the best, and pray that you and your family are able to forgive and rebuild and you and your husband come through this horrible time with a stronger and more honest partnership.
I failed to ask you an important question. Why do your want to save your marriage. You husband has failed you. Ask yourself, why do you want someone who will lie and cheat you? Would you shop at a store that sells you poor quality items and then overcharges you? Would you keep inviting a relative to your home knowing they steal from you when they visit? Would you continue to be friends with someone who backbites you and lies about you when they leave your company? Why would you want to stay with a man who lies to you over and over again. Like a criminal, men like this only want to stop cheating when they get caught. Be smart. Be a good role model for your children. Divorce your cheating, prostitute buying husband. He will certainly not be able to buy many women then because child support is expensive. He did not think of this, of you or his children when he was having sex with women. He probably did not even think of the fact that the women he paid for were paid to be with him and to service him. There is no emotional or spiritual relationship there. He is the loser her. Please consider divorcing this man for you and your children's mental and physical health.
Marriage is a pious relationship, it is to prevent such things and not to cause them. No reason can justify your husbands actions, he has betrayed you. He apologised when you found out yourself, he didnt open up to you so he wasn't guilty unless you found out, what kind of a guilt is that? he was doing so when you were expecting his child. If I were in your place I would have not been able to trust him again. But since I feel you want to salvage your relationship, you can openly talk to him and ask him to open up regarding the reasons/need to go to the other woman. You are the best judge in this situation as you know him and your relationship the best. You should also seek advice from a scholar who can guide you and your husband better in the light of Quran and Sunnah. May Allah keep you happy