Asalaam alaikum, I would desperately like ur advice on a personal matter as i really dont know how to deal with it.
I am a 32 year old muslim sister who has been married for almost 7 years, the marriage was arranged through my parents and i agreed to accept him as my husband as he was a hafiz and seemed to be a good man who i hoped would guide me too.
I have always been quite content in my marriage, we had ups and downs which most couples experience but generally my husband has always been good to me. We have 3 children together mashallah.
When i was pregnant with my 3rd child and i was 8 and a half months pregnant i made a terrifying discovery which has just ruined my life. I normally always trusted mu husband and he never gave me reason not to, but i kept gettin dreams thats my husband bought a second wife home which i would be totally against. I couldn't understand why i was feeling like this and i randomly decided to check my husbands phone one morning. I discovered a number had been called over s past few days at all hours in the morning. When i dialled the number i discovered it was an escort agency who offer sex. I was devastated as i could not believe what i was hearing.
I didnt know how to best deal with the situation. I prayed to Allah and begged for guidance and strength to deal with the situation in a calm manner. I confronted my husband and my worst fears were true. He admitted he had been to the agency recently and was sorry for what he had done. He begged for forgiveness when i asked him why he went not able to give me an explanation as to to why he went. I was so hurt and upset but as i was due to give birth any day we agreed to accept it as a mistake.
It didnt mean we had forgotten but i just put it down to being misled by shaitaan and he was sorry for what he had done. A few days later i gave birth, we didnt talk about it for weeks after. We had not been intimate for a few months now as i was quite big the last month of my pregnancy and had heavy bleeding after but i was expecting him to be.
Almost 5 weeks after i made the discovery he was intimate with me as i was still bleeding he actually didnt have intercourse with me and instead gave himself s hand job. I was so upset as im feeling low self esteem as it is. I find it really awkward to tell him i want sex now because it doesnt feel comfortable telling him.
I since came across old mobile phone bills for the past year and i discovered he has been going these prostitutes for the past year. He was almost going every day sometimes twice a day, i dont understand, he lied to me about only ever going that time which i had discovered. How could he. He stopped in ramzan and back again on eid day, the worst thing is he prays namaaz aswell and looks really islamic with a beard.
Again j confronted him about this and he had no explanation to give me, iv been upset and hurt so much recently that i font know how much more pain i can take. All hd feels now id that im constantly nagging him. He has promised that the past mistakes will be left in the past and he wont ever do that again.
How can i ever trust him again. Our sex life is non existent at the moment and i know this is going to encourage him to go again but i just dont know how to bring my husband close to me, even iv i feel like gettin intimate with my husband i feel like j cant say it to him. Im blaming myself for what hes doing. I want to save my marriage but cant trust him.
I need to know how i can try to stay calm , what i can do to save my marriage and how can i get my husband interested in me. I work so hard for my family but my efforts seem worthless.
Please someone guide me. I feel so alone abc lost. I cant even tell anyone because its such a private matter between us.