Brothers and sisters,
Here I am again, questions after questions, I'm still feeling depressed. So I asked something similar but no one actually reply anything. So here it is.
What am I supposed to do when every time I wake up in the morning, when I was surfing the internet, when I was sitting in a car, when I was watching the television, basically, 24/7 like everyday and all the time, I've been thinking about my past? It's haunting me and unconsciously I felt uneasiness in my heart. First thing first, I've repented and promised to never ever do that haraam thing again.
So every time when I felt depressed, uneasy, weird, I would always say this is just syaitaans work to make me feel this way. So I tried ti selawah. Okay that's that. Later if I'm done thinking about my past, I would think about how my past sins has destroyed my chasity and innocence. I felt like a worthless person. It felt like every single inch f my body is destroyed and the feeling of wanting to get married just seemed to fade away. Not that I don't want it, it's just that I thought it's not fair for my future husband to get a person like me to be his wife. The point is, I've never even had any intercourse with guys. I used to masturbate. And I stopped! Alhamdulillah!! Thanks God!!
Later, if I'm done thinking about how I've destroyed my body, I would think about does the people around me noticed any changes in me? I mean like, do I look like someone that has lost her virginity? DO I look like a whore? a slut?? Is there any differences in my body?? And POOF!! There gone my confidence level.
Next, whenever me and my friends were talking about sins, islam and problems( we're not exposing each and everyone's sins), they sometimes would accidently talk bad about sinners that had done zina or even people that masturbated or suddenly they have the urge to talk about knowing someone's virginity, it would really hit me in the head. I felt like the worst person ever and didn't deserve to have a friend like them. I love my friends. They're just sometimes being prejudice over matter like that and sometimes they don't. They're just humans.
So I'll be entering university in the nearest future and I would really like some help and guidance regarding this matter. I want to feel alive again. I want to feel confident again when talking to crowds and all without thinking that I'm being prejudice. Please, I'm having a battle with my innerself. I'm still repenting for what I did in the past and every moment of my life now, I've been reminded of my past life. Seriously, I need help.