I am very sorry that I would always ask the same thing over and over again. I am a very emotional person. So whenever something strikes me, I would always be depressed fr a very long time.
So here's the thing. I used masturbate. I have repented. I want to move on. I want to have a new life. Things weren't so easy cause I would always think about my past sins. I kept thinking if only I didn't do that.
I don't know if I've destroyed my body or what. I want to be pure again. I want my innocence back. Have I really destroyed myself? Nowadays I would always think that I am a slut. I know it's too harsh on me. To me masturbation is equal to actual zinaa or intercourse. That's why I'm this sad. I want to change the way I think but I don't know how. I kept thinking about how little my value and pride as a muslim woman. I would always thought that I don't deserve to have a good muslim man for my future husband. Everyone around me looked so innocent. I feel like I'm the only one that has sins the greatest among all of them. My depression is very serious. At times I feel dirty and tainted.
So earlier I went to a supermarket. I was laughing quite loudly because of a joke that my brother made. Sudden;y my brother jokingly said "Hey, right now your value as a woman is this small". I was quite shocked to hear that from my own brother. I know he was joking but it hit me. I don't even deserve to be with my family. I've done a grave sin. I am a cheap woman.
Okay so I know right now maybe all of you are thinking that I am over thinking and being too ridiculous. But this is how I think. I don't want to be so timid. I'm still young and want to enjoy life and create more new experience. But because of this event, I even thought of suicidal. It's tough. SO someone I am begging you please help and guide me to get out of this problem.