I used to masturbate. I never insert anything though. There's possibility that my hymen may be broken even though I never inserted anything. I don't know about that.
Secondly, I have repented for it. I promise that I will never ever do this thing ever again. I cried for Allah to forgive me.
I oftenly question about my virginity. I never did any intercourse though. This past of mine haunts me forever. I am really worried about this.
In my culture, like I said before they claimed to have the ability to know someone's virginity just by looking at their forehead lines, hand's (palm) lines, someone's behind or even the redness of a woman's feet. I know it's so ridiculous. I can't help it but feel conscious at mine every time I look it. I would always observe my hands or anything of my body parts to my friends and all women I've met. I'm so afraid that the people around me would know everything I did in the past just by looking at me.
I've been restless over this. I want to move on. I believe my sins have already been part of my past. I want to get married to a good Muslim man one day ,I want to be a good wife , and a good Mother one day.I want a good life, but I don't feel I'm worthy of that.I see alot of Muslims saying how great it is for a girl to be "pure and innocent" and i just start panicking because of my guilt.I feel dirty, ashamed.
I even gets paranoid when I'm walking around people and mostly boys. I feel so dirty. I feel like I've tainted myself. I am this sad because this is one of the biggest sins I've ever made in my life. To me masturbation is equal to actual intercourse.
I'm not the age to be married yet because I'm still studying. I have a life a head of me. I want to be pure and innocent again. But I kept on thinking which any guy would want to marry me if they knew my past. I don't know if I'm a virgin or what. I get paranoid when people look at me. I would always thought like they knew something bad about me. I'm scared that they will know everything if they just looked at my palm hands lines or even my feet. It's jahil I know. Basically I know most of the answers but when I do, I would always deny them and kept on with this negative thinking. Please help me so I can go through with my life easily. I am really sad and sad. I don't want to dissapoint my parents because they believe me as I'm their ínnocent daughter.
I would start panicking whenever they would talk about a womans pride (which I lost it), my value as a muslim woman. I can't even look at my face in the mirror. Even in the photograph of my face. I'm that scared. I don't want to look into the mirror thinking this is an ugly and dirty woman. I'm dying inside but I don't want to take my own life. Please help me.