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if you want to marry someone. and you are both Muslims. and you both love each other, but you have talked before marriage...not necessarily in a wrong way, just in secret. then hes gone to your parents.is it really ok for you to marry him even though you have gone behind your parents back?

asked 158221 a_mohammed's gravatar image
closed Jun 19 '13 at 03:52

The question has been closed for the following reason "The question is answered, right answer was accepted" by a_mohammed Jun 19 '13 at 03:52

I've decided i just need to gather up my courage and do it. i just have to tell my dad. Inshallah it will all work out right. May Allah be on my side. and make this easy. i respect and love my dad. inshallah he wont totally hate me for it...still dont know exactly how to say it. but ill work it all out....

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answered 158221 a_mohammed's gravatar image

Well done. It's the right thing to do. May Allah guide both you and your dad.

(Jun 19 '13 at 04:08) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

inshallah. thanks. just have to find the words. :/

(Jun 19 '13 at 04:15) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image

I know. You’re a writer. Open your heart and write. Write to your dad, and write until you can’t write any more. Somewhere in what you have written will be the words you have to speak.

(Jun 19 '13 at 04:26) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

I wrote u in community.. Just now seeing this .

(Jun 19 '13 at 04:29) sadie ♦ sadie's gravatar image

I've followed Sadie's example, and have done the same.

(Jun 19 '13 at 05:10) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

me too >.<

(Jun 20 '13 at 02:56) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image
showing 5 of 6 show all

This is taken from the site ‘Islamic Voice’:

Islam makes it clear that a girl's father or guardian must act for her marriage. She may not act for herself, according to most scholars. That is because Islam views marriage as a union, which establishes a family, so it must be organized between families. This enhances a girl's position and protects her rights.

However, in order not to let parents and guardians’ abuse this authority God has given them, the Prophet enjoins them to exercise it to the benefit of girls under their supervision. He says:

"If someone whose strength of faith and honesty are satisfactory comes to you with a proposal of marriage, then give him your daughter in marriage. Unless you do, much conflict and corruption is likely to be the result."

The criterion is thus well defined. People must make their judgement of any marriage proposal to their daughters or girls under their care in the light of this criterion. It is not right that class or difference of culture or status should be given paramount consideration. The basic issue is faith and honesty.

There is no way you can get married to (this man) unless your father acts for you, with your consent in the marriage contract.

If a girl's father is alive and present, no one else can act as her guardian. A marriage without the presence of a guardian is not valid. Hence your only way is to persuade your parents that this marriage is viable and likely to give you the happiness they undoubtedly want for you.

You have to determine how you can achieve that, but make sure that your approach is not one of confrontation, because confrontation is likely to produce the wrong result. Maybe if your suitor makes his approach a family approach, you stand a better chance of persuading your parents to accept. That would mean that members of his family come to see your father, or women from his family come and see your mother first. If she is convinced then she may be able to persuade your father to moderate his stance. Whatever you do, make sure of remaining dutiful to your parents.

And this is from the site Islam’s Women:

The consent of both the man and the women is an essential element of marriage, and the Quran gives women a substantial role in choosing their own life partners. It lays down:

"Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner." [Noble Quran 2:232]

However, Imam Malik, one of the four great Imams of the Sunni schools of Islamic jurisprudence, gives a slightly restrictive interpretation to this verse and makes the choice of partner by a Muslim girl subject to the over-ruling power or ijbar of her father or guardian in the interests of the girl herself.

It may sometimes happen that in her immaturity or over-zealousness, a girl may want to marry a man about whom she has distorted information or who does not possess good character or who lacks proper means of livelihood. In such a case, it is better, or rather incumbent upon the girl's father or guardian, that, in the wider interests of the girl, he restrains her from marrying such a worthless man and finds a suitable person to be her husband.

And this is my comment:

Your suitor should approach your parents and demonstrate that he is strong in faith; is of good character; and is able to support you.

As for you: Keep your cool! Take your time. And trust in Allah that the correct decision is made. Oh, yes: and accept with a good heart whatever decision is made, even if it is not the one you want!

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answered 5432993 UnknownUser's gravatar image
edited Jun 18 '13 at 15:44
1

that would be great and fine. if my dad wasnt hard headed and judgemental to everyone for no good reason -_- im gonna get in trouble from the admin for commenting that arnt i anyways. yep watch.

(Jun 18 '13 at 15:49) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image
1

I've placed the same reply on your community page. Perhaps you should use that page, and avoid a whole mess of trouble!!

(Jun 18 '13 at 15:57) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

Then you have four choices:

You let things run as they are, in spite of the fact that this situation is causing you a great deal of pain.

You set aside this man and find another.

You marry the guy in denial of all that you know to be true; and take your chances that it will all work out in the end.

You find the courage to speak with your father, and do what you know in your heart to be right.

Here’s my question – and you can take as long as you need to answer it: Which of these choices do you believe is the best for you?

(Jun 18 '13 at 16:35) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

the last one i think if my dad could look past the whole behind his back thing and just give him a chance then it would all work out.inshallah. i just dont know how to tell him....

(Jun 19 '13 at 03:41) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image

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Asked: Jun 18 '13 at 12:16

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Last updated: Jun 20 '13 at 02:56



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