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I have describe the whole situation for clarification. I was living alone apart from my family in another town for the purpose of job. I was sharing foods and the same house (other rooms) with another family. The women I was living with, is divorced has one daughter (who is married and living with her husband in another town) and a son. Things was going fine but one night she came at night in my room and wanted me to made her but I refused. She tried and succeeded after third night to get what she wanted. I never thought that something can happen like this because I was calling her aunty and she was 40 and I was 30. I know that it is Haram and I had never done any forbidden things before. This Haram relationship is still going on since 3 years. I want to validate it and seeking for forgiveness of Allah. What should I do in this situation?

asked 0542134 UnknownUser's gravatar image

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ok that is a nother story first of all that is not marriage that is zinah stop it repent marry her if she wishes but not in secret but then she is 43 years old and from what you say not the best of morals she wont bear you kids either the prophet PBUH married several women because they were widows or divorced actually all except aysha but for other noble intentions so I really think you should of course stop this relationship at once and think this through not by asking a question and reading others' opinions this is your life here is some advice

http://www.muslimmarriageadvice.com/selecting-a-wife-according-to-islam/

http://www.missionislam.com/family/wife.htm

really really think this through it is very serious and if you do not want to marry her just live some where else you are not living anyways if you keep living on like this nor if you married the wrong woman and turn your life into a living hell and if all you want is forgivness from allah then repent the last advice is to pray Istikhara here is how and why http://www.islamicacademy.org/html/Dua/How_to_do_Istakhara.htm

may allah show you and all muslims the right path

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answered 2394 tokabo's gravatar image

Thanks a lot brother. May Allah bless you. Keep me in your prayer so that I could success.

(Jul 24 '13 at 16:21) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

Brother Salam

I have tried my best to escape from her but the situation is that I am unable. She lives close to my house and she cheat me in various way to get close to me. It's really hard for me to move another place because I have lost my job and I have financial crisis. In this circumstances, can I marry her with the approval of her guardian but without my mother's consent?

You have given the previous solution which is perfect but I want you write me little more again. Please.

Eid Mubarak

(Aug 08 '13 at 19:52) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

hello brother Eid Mubarak to u and all , again u are not obliged to marry her under no circumstances whatever she does if she threatens to suicide it is not ur fault if all u wanted is to be forgiven by Allah make up ur mind not to get involved in such relationships again , but if u want to marry her from an Islamic perspective according to what u said she is not the right women (if she is neither Jewish nor christian u can not marry her but if she is u can) and think why does she want to marry u maybe she just feels lonely or something

(Aug 09 '13 at 17:41) tokabo tokabo's gravatar image

now i don't want to be mean but if u can't ignore her then get a restraining order against her ,u can marry her without ur mother's consent but there has to be a very good reason why ur mother won't agree so ask her why and think about it ur mother only wants what is best for u , but my opinion is not to marry her but then again it is ur choice but from what u say that u lost ur job and the financial crisis (may Allah help ) i think it is unfair to marry anyone right know that woman or any other as u will have to provide for her

(Aug 09 '13 at 17:41) tokabo tokabo's gravatar image

, so again do try to move out with ur family to another place and start over u seem to have lost all so try to start over ,and try to be honest with her say i have a financial crisis i don;t want to marry u live with it (rephrase that of course) ,ask Allah for huda go to an imam for help and tell that guardian of hers (hadak Allah)

(Aug 09 '13 at 17:41) tokabo tokabo's gravatar image

Brother Salam, I am truly benefited from your comments. Pls write one line to answer my question so that I could re-rate your answer.

Eid Mubarak

(Aug 10 '13 at 13:21) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

We wish not from you reward or gratitude. (9)

                        but if u do insist on doing me a favor :) then make dua for me and my family ,and for the Muslims that we wake up , stop fighting each other ,and brother tell me how this ends (hope every thing works out for u)
(Aug 10 '13 at 16:16) tokabo tokabo's gravatar image
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You should ask for merrying her if you want to if you. Don't want to tell her no stay away from me make dua for yourself from Allah to forgive you. Thanks Remember me in ur dua

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answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

For more understanding, can I marry her without my mother's consent? My mother is the only living parent. I don't want my mother know this because she will never accept it. Can I continue with her for some period of time and then marry? or should I don't continue without marry and seek for forgiveness of Allah?

(Jul 23 '13 at 15:56) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

no. u cant continue. u want gods forgiveness right? so then you need to end it. or marry her. you need to repent. god is forgiving...but dont forget hes just too. marry her.or end it. there isnt really any other way.

(Jul 23 '13 at 17:23) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image

I tried a lot and took initiatives to end up the relationship but she threatening me to commit suicide, cry a lot etc. What is the procedures of marriage?

(Jul 23 '13 at 18:59) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

yay. so call the police and say she wont leave u alone. honestly. if she was going to kill herself shed do it already. i hate when people threaten like that. it means shes stupid. i cant give u much advice because i already dont like the woman so ill just end up being mean.

(Jul 24 '13 at 06:24) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image

Brother it up to you if you still merry her which mean you need to have ur parent permission and her parent too but I am suspicion about that women if she can to your room at the darkness of night then if you merry she will do this to someone else so it better for to ask Allah to forgive you and tell her no when she visit you again or fright for example say if you come to my room again I will tell your parent and ur divorce husband,just put something in her way to stop her coming to your room. I will strongly advice you to be away from her but if you have feeling for her then you need your/her parent permission plus you need to ask for forgiveness. Thanks Remember me ur dua

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answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image
edited Jul 23 '13 at 17:47

She is loyal to me and I am very much sympathized to her. She has no living parents but a brother. I am unable to cut the relationship with her because she can do anything and threaten me. Can you tell me what is the marriage procedure? can I keep the marriage secret to my mother?

(Jul 23 '13 at 18:55) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

Salam dear brother, I also think it will cause you problem with your patent because you move from your parent to other end of city to study so if they find out what is going on they will bad dua for you. I will say and I will do if I was ur place stay away from her and ask forgiveness from Allah.

Thanks

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answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

I tried to stay away from her and took some initiatives like separated my house and now staying with my mother and brothers but still she wants me like a mad and threaten me that she will commit suicide if I don't meet her. She is very loyal to me too. I feel sympathy for her as she is a high blood pressure patient(consulted by doctor). I want this relationship to validate and seek refuge from Haram. How can I do it? Thanks

(Jul 23 '13 at 18:30) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

Guys why have you vote me -1 when I am helping you do you not like my help or something?

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answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

Thanks for help bother. I am looking for more appropriate answer. You are really helpful. I expect more from you brother. pls comments on my writings.

(Jul 23 '13 at 18:41) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

It was an error when I was voting.

(Jul 23 '13 at 18:42) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

Help me get the right answer and take the right decision.

(Jul 23 '13 at 19:04) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

Assalam alaikum. Brother it is not wrong for you to love someone and want to marry her. There are conditions 4 marriage.which has to be satisfied before any marriage can stand. 1. Mutual acceptance between d couples. 2. Agreement of the both parties parent. 3. Dowry 4. Waliyy i.e witness or witnesses. So brother since u sed your mother is d only 1 u have am afraid u have to seek her concent before d marriage can be valid.

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answered 20110 Nana%20Binta%20Zahra's gravatar image

Brother she is forcing you to merry her because she is scaring you saying things which you are scared of and haven't you heard it before. I would just end the relation ship because your parent s not happy with you, plus she is divorce wonn you don't know what she will do when you merry her but if can trust her and if she really love you then it up to you what you need to do. I give u a lots of option now just choose which one look nice for you and which will make u closer to Allah.

By the way I am sister plus and I am so younger then you do if you don't like my option I give you then ask imam someone who can give you good chose. Thanks

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answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

exactly! i dont hink she really loves u. of shes forcing u to be with her i dont think u really love her either. if all mankind and gin kind came together to destroy one person and Allah didn't wish they could not do it. just the same as if all man kind and gin kind came together to harm someone if Allah didn't want it then it would not happen. she cant harm u unless Allah wants that, so dont worry about her and end it. thats my advice :)

(Jul 24 '13 at 06:35) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image

Dear Sister I think you have given the best answer. I believe a sister can understand my problem in both perspectives. Thanks a lot sis. But you know I am really depressed and it's hard for me to end it up the relationshihp because it requires to change many things like changing job, changing town etc.

(Jul 24 '13 at 08:00) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

maybe thats better tho... maybe u should just start all over. its refreshing im glad i could help. and inshallah Allah will make it easy

(Jul 24 '13 at 17:41) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image

Ongoing I are still talking about this object he can't even decide what he need to do

(Jul 24 '13 at 17:43) Bibi Amina ♦ Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

dont be like that its hard to stop something like this. its been going on for 3 years. so u should think hes good for just wanting to be better people who judge like that make people hate islam.

(Jul 24 '13 at 17:48) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image

I know sorry.. To be honest you should be making him a dua

(Jul 24 '13 at 17:50) Bibi Amina ♦ Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

inshallah be safe

(Jul 24 '13 at 17:54) a_mohammed a_mohammed's gravatar image
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Dear brother I really that I helped you but please from the town where you living to forces on your life. Star a new life forgot about her seek forgiveness and remember me ur dua by the way I want to say I am 15 sister who is answering your question. Thanks (Last post)

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answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

Thanks. But it's really hard for me to leave the town I live. Keep me in your prayer so that I could leave this town for a new life and seek forgiveness of Allah. Insha Allah. Take care.

(Jul 24 '13 at 13:08) UnknownUser UnknownUser's gravatar image

Thanks all of you for help and please keep writing on my comments because still I think I have not find the appropriate answer and unable to make the right decision. I am feeling some problems in voting you. Salam and keep me in your prayer.

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answered 0542134 UnknownUser's gravatar image

1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:

Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism. Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger? Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say. Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain. 3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.

4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.

You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?” The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with. Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination. 5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:

Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them. Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment. 6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:

Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person? Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say? Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself? Do I feel calm and at peace with this person? If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!

7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:

Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities. Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married. Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!

9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.

10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner: Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:

Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships. Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!k

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answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image
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Asked: Jul 23 '13 at 14:38

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Last updated: Aug 10 '13 at 16:16



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