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Salaam brothers and sisters.

I've been very busy with work and I am very stressed when I come home. My husband wants to have sex almost every night, but I feel really tired and I don't want to. I have no problem having sex during my days off or when I'm not stressed out but not when I come home from late nights working at the hospital. I feel bad for not being in the mood, and I know angels curse women who deny your husband sex. Should I just suck it up? Also, having sex every night leaves me sore in the morning. What should I do?

Understand we are newly weds, so this is probably why he's always in the mood.

asked 4411139 UnknownUser's gravatar image

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Some people answering here are being very, very Islamic with their harsh words. It really upsets me to see such lack of consideration for a sisters feelings. Those of you suggesting this sister is a 'bad wife' should truly fear Allah. The sister would not be on here looking for ISLAMIC advice if she was such a bad wife. We are supposed to help and advise out of love for the fellow ummah! Not to mock insult or belittle people! Remember that the prophet SAW said:

"The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behaviour, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives".[At-Tirmidhi]

Being good to your wife is not merely about putting food on the table, is it about understanding your wife emotionally and compromising, just as a woman should for her husband. Some would do well to remember this. Regarding a woman being 'cursed by angels till morning' unless she answers her husbands call, this only applies to women who refuse their husbands for no GOOD REASON. This is as a warning to women not to use sex as a means of power or control, or to simply refuse out of laziness. IT DOES NOT APPLY if a woman is exhausted, has physical aches, (as this sister does) or is incapable on occasion. Allah is just! This is very different to the wife who rejects her husband because she cannot be bothered. Do not confuse the two. A lot of men use this phrase to bully women into sex without ANY consideration of his Islamic duty of loving and understanding her needs also. Islams rules are not about bullying people into obtaining what you require! You can obtain what you desire far easier with love and kindness! People are forgetting that Allah put love and mercy between husband and wife! A man who loves his wife deeply would be understanding if occasionally the wife is exhausted. Occasionally, in the future, he himself may not be able to perform at a time the wife desires him. Patience is a virtue in Islam, we need to have more of it, especially when dealing with our partners, half of our deen. Women are not merely toys but companions, and Islam has freed us from being treated as emotionless sex dolls like we were before it.

A good husband would try to make arrangements with his wife perhaps to approach her when she is feeling refreshed, perhaps in the morning rather than after a long and tiring day. His consideration of her feelings will not only earn him vast reward, but also mean that he can enjoy his wife while she too will also be pleased! It really is common sense. Both will be happy if suitable arrangements can be made, but sister you will have to sacrifice sometimes just as he will. Why do so many people forget love and compassion when it comes to these things and start telling people about zina and masturbation? Ya Allah! Have we forgotten how to communicate with our loved ones first and reach good and fulfilling solutions? We are Muslims! We show our partners mercy!

That being said, there is great reward in satisfying your partner, even when you are not feeling 'in the mood'. Not being ''in the mood'' is not a fair or valid reason to reject your partner. This applies to both males AND females, not just males. In Islam, men are obligated to keep their wives chaste and satisfied also. It is important that your husband is not regularly let down. This does not mean he will cheat as others suggest, but he will be hurt and feel rejected and frustrated. Allhamdudliah that he clearly adores you and is very attracted to you! This is a blessing sister. You need to work out a little agreement, not days and times, these cannot always be predicated, but like I said, maybe let him know what times of the day you want him most and feel refreshed, and work from there.

It is very normal in relationships that one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, the internet is full of questions from frustrated men and women whose partners levels of desire do not match theirs. If you do not desire as much sex as he, there is nothing wrong in that, but you need to find a way of making sure you meet his sexual needs. You do not necessarily need to have full sex to satisfy him. Sit down and be honest with each other, it may even bring you closer and strengthen you marriage.

You also mentioned that due to the regular sex you are a little sore. As a women sister, I understand you. Please know that if sex is causing pain due to its frequency, you are not obliged to do it. The ruling about 'angels cursing' does not apply if the sex being ask for would cause harm. Pain is harm. You can meet his needs without him needing to penetrate you until you have healed.

You are newlyweds, Inshallah Allah will bring you great joy and peace. This is a very common problem, and with a loving and caring attitude from you both, you can both be happy and satisfied Inshallah.

God bless you, and do not listen to the ignorant ones, Islam is a religion of love and kindness.

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answered 10 leyla1's gravatar image

Your husband should fulfill his duties as man financially and you wouldn't have this issue...

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answered 183 alqizwik's gravatar image

Waalaikum Asalaam

Sister, may ALLAH bless you and all those dear to you.

I think the biggest problem is that women feel that they will be cursed or be branded as "bad wives" if they don't give their husbands sex whenever they request it - regardless of how it will effect you. Adultry is a sin, but so is not appreciating your wife. Islam is a religion of balance and the Quaran preaches reasonablity and moderation - which is subjective. For some having sex five times a night is fine for others once a month is fine. But this is between you and your husband. Ask him to take your state of being into consideration. In Islam it is advisable for a man to have sex with his wife AT LEAST once every three days. It does not say anything about it being more regular - this is up to your own discresion. Men dont seem to understand what the effects of having sex can be on women when they are not in a state to be sexually aroused.

Someone commented above that men desire sex where as women desire romance - and this is true in some sense (not completely but a little). When women are tired (as I'm sure you are) or upset or simply distracted (which can very easily happen when there are young children in the house), it is actually PHYSICALLY harmful for them to have sex. When a woman cannot become sexually aroused because of whatever reason forceful penetration can tear at her body making it extremely painful to have sex. It can also lead to infection and later problems for childbirth. Also, being forced to have sex when you are not excited yourself makes you feel unappreciated or objectified - which can lead to greater problems in marraige. Marraige and sex are both gifts form ALLAH. Women are WIVES, not sex objects. People on this page seem to be under the impression that you are a "bad wife" if you ask your husband to take your own psychology, physiology and emotions into consideration. But your not. You are a human being.
I would suggest you speak to your husband and come up with some kind of compromise (from both of you) instead of asking outsiders.We are not in your relationship. If you need real advice perhaps go to an Imam and speak to him directly, with you husband there. We all here just give our own opinions. Just o

Just one last note. YOur husband is also a man who has needs to be fulfilled. Any marraige works on understanding your spouse. It's not a dictatorship (unless it's unhealthy) but a union and partnership. THis special relationship MUST be build on repsect and love. Respect that your husband also needs to have sex. Talk to eachother. Come up with a plan that helps both of you.

And by the way - there are things you can do that will help your husband that does not requier you to be penetrated if you are extremely tired or distressed. Discuss it with you husband.

I hope all works out.

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answered 10 trying's gravatar image

It amazes me when someone complains that a man what's sex a lot that he is on the wrong, yet complains when he cheats. Most Scientist such as Abraham Maslow who created the theory on the Human Needs pyramid, believe sex is a basic need down there with food water and security.

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answered 10 Ayub04's gravatar image

I'm inclined to say that there is more to it than just a sexual matter. The health profession can be taxing on the body and mind making one emotionally and physically drained. I myself am a Health Professional and often return home tired and extremely drained. However to counter balance that, you can do exercises such as a 15 minute walk, setting a timely schedule appropriately giving rights to a lot of priorities in your life and communicating this to your husband. In addition try to talk to him about different acts of sexual behavior. Also have a look at your eating and sleeping patterns. These can greatly affect physical and mental energy. Maybe on weekdays..you can have shorter versions of it..or alternative sexual activities or set a time in the morning. With that being said... Rejecting your husband is one alternative but isn't the best alternative and can leave him feeling lonely, rejected and seeking someone else for emotional and physical attention. Remember a lot of brothers spend their most sexual expressive times staying celibate to avoid the haram. Now that they followed the deen and married to have such a life.. Making him beg for it or bartering it off like its a cookie can be oppressive.

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answered 10 Ayub04's gravatar image

@eleanour079, yes i was seriously askng abut an angel's curse. thank you for your answer. so this poor woman is going to hell if she doesn't have sex with her husband on command? well that sucks. and y'all wonder why people say islam is mysogynistic. you have a good night.

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answered 55 mikejm4's gravatar image

Aoa

Lets analyze your question in great detail.

It is a 'living hell' for a man to live with his wife whilst not being able to remove his sexual urges. Men have different sexual nature compared to woman, and thus they have orgasms more frequently than woman. Generally speaking: woman want romance but men want to have sex, but for a man his romance lies in sex (of course generally speaking).

Now if you refuse him, then his sexual urges have,not been fulfilled and thus his right has been refused. What do you think he will do to release his urges? The following are some possibilities:

  1. Masturbation
  2. Porn
  3. Possibility of zina
  4. Girlfriend
  5. Ill-thoughts and feeling of worthless (e.g. he is not good enough for you)

All of these activities are haram, and will, directly or indirectly, harm your relationship, and you both might end up in a tough spot on Day of Judgement (I pray to Allah (swt) he grants you both paradise). You might complain later that your husband doesn't give time to you. You want to give him his right to protect himself from getting lewd thoughts which might lead to worse of sins, otherwise you might regret it. For one of these reasons, in Islam the woman is a fortress against the devil.

I do,not say that man his weak but Allah says:

Allah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man was created weak (cannot be patient to leave sexual intercourse with woman). [4:28]

And doing sexual intercourse with you his sadaqa on your and his part so much so that, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

Abu Dharr reported: some of the people from among the Companions of the Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) said to him: Messenger of Allah, the rich have taken away (air the) reward. They observe prayer as we do; they keep the fasts as we keep, and tray give Sadaqa out of their surplus riches. Upon this he (the Holy Prophet) said: Has Allah not prescribed for you (a course) by following which you can (also) do sadaqa? In every declaration of the glorification of Allah (i. e. saying Subhan Allah) there is a Sadaqa, and every Takbir (i. e. saying Allah-O-Akbar) is a sadaqa, and every praise of His (saying al-Hamdu Lillah) is a Sadaqa and every declaration that He is One (La illha ill-Allah) is a sadaqa, and enjoining of good is a sadaqa, and forbidding of that which is evil is a Sadaqa, and in man's sexual Intercourse (with his wife, ) there is a Sadaqa. They (the Companions) said: Messenger of Allah, is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us? He said: Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward. [Book 5 Hadith 2198]

And lets not forget even our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was a man as well:

Jabir reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) saw a woman, and so he came to his wife, Zainab, as she was tanning a leather and had sexual intercourse with her. He then went to his Companions and told them: The woman advances and retires in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart.[Book 8 Hadith 3240]

The following Hadith has some degree of truth in it:

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning." (Book 54, Hadith 460)

The above mentioned Hadith explanation: man wants to 'release' is urge and his wife refuses him. This implies that husband thoughts might be that he can't fulfil his desires in a halal way, and it is difficult to control his urges especially if he sleeps with his wife throughout the night.

Now how does this impact the relationship? One man came to a sheikh and told him about problems with his relationship with his spouse. The sheikh asked him off the bat about his sexual relationship, and he started crying.

My sincere advice would be to give him his right, regardless of how tired you are. Like it was said, you will even get reward for it.

PS: vice versa also applies if you request for sex.

May Allah guide you, and help your husband.

Jazakallah khair

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answered 2466 abdul_wasay's gravatar image
edited Mar 02 at 08:46
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Sister,

waalaikum salaam

Hope you are doing good with grace of allah (SWA)

Approach him during his leisure time and tell him that you are unable to work properly in office as you get tired every morning. make him understand that once in a week having family relationship will be good for you. we cant complain or stop you from going job because it depends on everyone situation. don't worry sister allah (SWA) is with you. don't ever be sad because we are muslim Ummah. Allah is with you.

Pray to al-mighty Allah and do dua desperately and I am sure Allah will help you. before you approach your husband please pray & do dua desperately and make him understand, am sure allah will make him understand. you will be happy for ever

I will also do dua for you sister

Regards Imthiyas

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answered 61 Imthiyas's gravatar image

You don't understand the concept of sacrifice do you? Both sexes have to compensate (they are garments of one another).

If one is having a urge making him understand is no solution. He will seek to release it somewhere else (and of course he might not tell).

And when the wife wants it then husband won't do it with her later (reminding himself of the events) and then this kind of hatred starts. May Allah save us from accursed satan.

(Mar 05 at 17:19) abdul_wasay abdul_wasay's gravatar image

wa alaikum salaam... i have posted my answer...

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answered 61 Imthiyas's gravatar image
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W/s.

If I can be blunt, you're being a bad wife. Your husband will dump you if you keep this up, he doesn't intend on spending the rest of his life as a sexually deprived monk, not to mention that you are destroying your akhira. Your DUTY in the marriage is not to work, it's to satisfy him sexually, get your priorities right! If you have to, take less hours at work, or even quit your job. Your husband is your #1 job. If you can't handle quitting your job then tell your husband to marry a second wife on top of you so that he can have sex with her. Also your husband needs to grow some balls, I wouldn't take this from my wife and he needs to put you in your place like a real man. All this talk about "working something out" is unislamic, the fact is that he gets to have sex whenever he wants, end of story.

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answered 62 AnonymousYouth's gravatar image

Actually neither gender can refuse the sex request

(Mar 01 at 08:23) abdul_wasay abdul_wasay's gravatar image

All I know brother is that the prophet saw would never have been so harsh to a genuine heart felt question from a muslimah. You are really not thinking with any compassion or mercy. Abdul Wasays comment is also correct. I pray Inshallah that the sister will prefer my caring response over your harsh rudeness to her and regarding her husband. Lastly, if you truly believe 'working something out' is unislamic, you need to study more. We live in the real world and in marriages working things out together is the only way through difficulty and onto success for a life time. May Allah bless you.Ameen.

(Mar 24 at 18:03) leyla1 leyla1's gravatar image

I should also mention you have no idea what the couples life is like. Maybe she needs to work and her husband cannot. You cannot judge that aspect as you do not know. No God fearing man would 'dump' his wife either. To tell the sister she is destroying her akhira is unbelievably rude and unjust considering her Islam brought her here for help from fellow Muslims, fear Allah.

(Mar 24 at 18:26) leyla1 leyla1's gravatar image
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Asked: Aug 05 '13 at 21:28

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Last updated: Mar 24 at 18:26


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