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Salaam brothers and sisters.

I've been very busy with work and I am very stressed when I come home. My husband wants to have sex almost every night, but I feel really tired and I don't want to. I have no problem having sex during my days off or when I'm not stressed out but not when I come home from late nights working at the hospital. I feel bad for not being in the mood, and I know angels curse women who deny your husband sex. Should I just suck it up? Also, having sex every night leaves me sore in the morning. What should I do?

Understand we are newly weds, so this is probably why he's always in the mood.

asked 4411248 UnknownUser's gravatar image

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Asalamulakum..:) well this is an age old situation, atleast here in America it is. :).. When you come home, do you come home late or at the same time he does? And does he come home close to bed time? The both of you need to have a talk about sex expectations. On one hand i can understand the physical demand from working on the health department, however sexual needs are biological, psychological and spiritual. Men often view sex as a way to express there love and desire. Its bad enough that theres temptation outside of the home everywhere. Denying him regular or satisfying sexual attention can emotionally cause rejection, boredom, lonliness and resentment towards you. Being that sexual needs are dependant on our psychological and emotional needs, it would be denying him not only his rights but it would be unhealthy and oppressive and inviting unwanted consequences. Try to tphave a talk to him about sexual expectations and also times that are able to allow you some rest. Also read some books about it. Theres more than just sex ..there are sexual alternatives that can be satisfying to him and doesnt require your full time and energy. But make sure your talk is open minded and not during moments of anger or during sexual encounters. Just be understanding that his attention to you..is normal, loving and healthy and denying him will cause him to feel rejected which is harmful.

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answered 10 Ayub04's gravatar image

IN THE NAME OF GOD!salam.Dear sister. If Work further than you love your wife. Would you like your husband is guilty. If he is guilty., You are a partner in his guilt. As you work to enjoy life. You've promised to marry each other and have fun together. After Islam, you have sinned. I think you come home one day a week earlier. And your ready to enjoy a delight to your partner.With this method, the more your husband will enjoy and look forward to the day.

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answered 13913 persiangulf1666's gravatar image

she already said she has no problem having sex on her days off. coming home early one night a week isn't going to make much difference. plus i doubt she can tell her employer i need to leave early every tuesday to have sex with my husband. ok maybe she can sue under freedom of religion, that it is an obligation and the employer must make "reasonable" accomindation. if she's in america?

but can't she just tell her husband to live up to his financial obligations for the family under sharia law, so she can quit her job.

btw, what does an angel's "curse" do?

(Jan 22 at 10:41) mikejm4 mikejm4's gravatar image

Really? Are you honestly asking what does an angel's curse do? You sure do know that Angel ONLY do what Allah tell them to do. So an Angel's curse is actually not the Angel, but Allah being displeased with or cursing to you.. And Allah cursing you is a big deal, if you're a Muslim. You're definitely going to hell..

(Jan 24 at 14:10) Eleanour079 Eleanour079's gravatar image

the root of the problem lies deep somewhere else.our religion islam is the religion of nature. It repelse evil by giving everyone his due physical psycological rights. Namaz is considered Makrooh if prayed while you are hungry and the food is ready. Whenever we deviate detrack from the track of the nature i.e islam we ll lead to such hot water. In islam there s segregation of duties .the husband to work outside home while the wife to keep the house. The house place no heavy burden over her shoulders and she stays capable of going the natural route. There s simply the look after of mior things at home and no overwhelming responsibility. Now think for a while if all the women of the world happen to be so busy as you are there d hardly any new generation. And this the problem having no solution in the present day of women rights

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answered 203 arsalan86's gravatar image

wa alaikum salaam... i have posted my answer...

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answered 61 Imthiyas's gravatar image

Aoa

Lets analyze your question in great detail.

It is a 'living hell' for a man to live with his wife whilst not being able to remove his sexual urges. Men have different sexual nature compared to woman, and thus they have orgasms more frequently than woman. Generally speaking: woman want romance but men want to have sex, but for a man his romance lies in sex (of course generally speaking).

Now if you refuse him, then his sexual urges have,not been fulfilled and thus his right has been refused. What do you think he will do to release his urges? The following are some possibilities:

  1. Masturbation
  2. Porn
  3. Possibility of zina
  4. Girlfriend
  5. Ill-thoughts and feeling of worthless (e.g. he is not good enough for you)

All of these activities are haram, and will, directly or indirectly, harm your relationship, and you both might end up in a tough spot on Day of Judgement (I pray to Allah (swt) he grants you both paradise). You might complain later that your husband doesn't give time to you. You want to give him his right to protect himself from getting lewd thoughts which might lead to worse of sins, otherwise you might regret it. For one of these reasons, in Islam the woman is a fortress against the devil.

I do,not say that man his weak but Allah says:

Allah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man was created weak (cannot be patient to leave sexual intercourse with woman). [4:28]

And doing sexual intercourse with you his sadaqa on your and his part so much so that, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

Abu Dharr reported: some of the people from among the Companions of the Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) said to him: Messenger of Allah, the rich have taken away (air the) reward. They observe prayer as we do; they keep the fasts as we keep, and tray give Sadaqa out of their surplus riches. Upon this he (the Holy Prophet) said: Has Allah not prescribed for you (a course) by following which you can (also) do sadaqa? In every declaration of the glorification of Allah (i. e. saying Subhan Allah) there is a Sadaqa, and every Takbir (i. e. saying Allah-O-Akbar) is a sadaqa, and every praise of His (saying al-Hamdu Lillah) is a Sadaqa and every declaration that He is One (La illha ill-Allah) is a sadaqa, and enjoining of good is a sadaqa, and forbidding of that which is evil is a Sadaqa, and in man's sexual Intercourse (with his wife, ) there is a Sadaqa. They (the Companions) said: Messenger of Allah, is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us? He said: Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward. [Book 5 Hadith 2198]

And lets not forget even our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was a man as well:

Jabir reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) saw a woman, and so he came to his wife, Zainab, as she was tanning a leather and had sexual intercourse with her. He then went to his Companions and told them: The woman advances and retires in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart.[Book 8 Hadith 3240]

The following Hadith has some degree of truth in it:

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning." (Book 54, Hadith 460)

The above mentioned Hadith explanation: man wants to 'release' is urge and his wife refuses him. This implies that husband thoughts might be that he can't fulfil his desires in a halal way, and it is difficult to control his urges especially if he sleeps with his wife throughout the night.

Now how does this impact the relationship? One man came to a sheikh and told him about problems with his relationship with his spouse. The sheikh asked him off the bat about his sexual relationship, and he started crying.

My sincere advice would be to give him his right, regardless of how tired you are. Like it was said, you will even get reward for it.

PS: vice versa also applies if you request for sex.

May Allah guide you, and help your husband.

Jazakallah khair

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answered 2666 abdul_wasay's gravatar image
edited Mar 02 at 08:46

@eleanour079, yes i was seriously askng abut an angel's curse. thank you for your answer. so this poor woman is going to hell if she doesn't have sex with her husband on command? well that sucks. and y'all wonder why people say islam is mysogynistic. you have a good night.

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answered 55 mikejm4's gravatar image

I'm inclined to say that there is more to it than just a sexual matter. The health profession can be taxing on the body and mind making one emotionally and physically drained. I myself am a Health Professional and often return home tired and extremely drained. However to counter balance that, you can do exercises such as a 15 minute walk, setting a timely schedule appropriately giving rights to a lot of priorities in your life and communicating this to your husband. In addition try to talk to him about different acts of sexual behavior. Also have a look at your eating and sleeping patterns. These can greatly affect physical and mental energy. Maybe on weekdays..you can have shorter versions of it..or alternative sexual activities or set a time in the morning. With that being said... Rejecting your husband is one alternative but isn't the best alternative and can leave him feeling lonely, rejected and seeking someone else for emotional and physical attention. Remember a lot of brothers spend their most sexual expressive times staying celibate to avoid the haram. Now that they followed the deen and married to have such a life.. Making him beg for it or bartering it off like its a cookie can be oppressive.

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answered 10 Ayub04's gravatar image

It amazes me when someone complains that a man what's sex a lot that he is on the wrong, yet complains when he cheats. Most Scientist such as Abraham Maslow who created the theory on the Human Needs pyramid, believe sex is a basic need down there with food water and security.

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answered 10 Ayub04's gravatar image

Waalaikum Asalaam

Sister, may ALLAH bless you and all those dear to you.

I think the biggest problem is that women feel that they will be cursed or be branded as "bad wives" if they don't give their husbands sex whenever they request it - regardless of how it will effect you. Adultry is a sin, but so is not appreciating your wife. Islam is a religion of balance and the Quaran preaches reasonablity and moderation - which is subjective. For some having sex five times a night is fine for others once a month is fine. But this is between you and your husband. Ask him to take your state of being into consideration. In Islam it is advisable for a man to have sex with his wife AT LEAST once every three days. It does not say anything about it being more regular - this is up to your own discresion. Men dont seem to understand what the effects of having sex can be on women when they are not in a state to be sexually aroused.

Someone commented above that men desire sex where as women desire romance - and this is true in some sense (not completely but a little). When women are tired (as I'm sure you are) or upset or simply distracted (which can very easily happen when there are young children in the house), it is actually PHYSICALLY harmful for them to have sex. When a woman cannot become sexually aroused because of whatever reason forceful penetration can tear at her body making it extremely painful to have sex. It can also lead to infection and later problems for childbirth. Also, being forced to have sex when you are not excited yourself makes you feel unappreciated or objectified - which can lead to greater problems in marraige. Marraige and sex are both gifts form ALLAH. Women are WIVES, not sex objects. People on this page seem to be under the impression that you are a "bad wife" if you ask your husband to take your own psychology, physiology and emotions into consideration. But your not. You are a human being.
I would suggest you speak to your husband and come up with some kind of compromise (from both of you) instead of asking outsiders.We are not in your relationship. If you need real advice perhaps go to an Imam and speak to him directly, with you husband there. We all here just give our own opinions. Just o

Just one last note. YOur husband is also a man who has needs to be fulfilled. Any marraige works on understanding your spouse. It's not a dictatorship (unless it's unhealthy) but a union and partnership. THis special relationship MUST be build on repsect and love. Respect that your husband also needs to have sex. Talk to eachother. Come up with a plan that helps both of you.

And by the way - there are things you can do that will help your husband that does not requier you to be penetrated if you are extremely tired or distressed. Discuss it with you husband.

I hope all works out.

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answered 10 trying's gravatar image

Your husband should fulfill his duties as man financially and you wouldn't have this issue...

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answered 183 alqizwik's gravatar image
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Asked: Aug 05 '13 at 21:28

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Last updated: Mar 24 at 18:26


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