I will introduce myself first so that you will know much information about me. - I'm muslimah who was born among muslim family and in arab, muslim country. - I started praying when I was young (though my family wasn't that who obliges us to do al wajeb) - I do not do some bad deeds that are spead now. (Dating, gossiping...)- I'm not that sociable so that - helps me avoid gossiping. - I have a mental issue that makes it so difficult to me to change my routine life- that is to say I'm not able to get along with any situation in my life as normal people do. And I couldn't solve this problem since I cannot afford seeing a psychologist. - I respect my parents and never did al kaba-ir. - I wear modestly. - I do not wear hijab-Here is the problem.
I'm nineteen now, and I always thought of hijab. Actually I tried to avoid any advice about wearing hijab because I thought there should be a moment when I get a scarf and wrap it around my head and just be happy and feel comfortable. That very moment and that very feeling I experienced when I first started praying after that period of praying and quiting my prayers. Few days ago, I started reading articles about hijab and why women should wear it, and felt like I really needed to wear it because this matter always bothered me and it was one of those major problem that made me feel upset and scared. I will have to mention that I felt very happy during those days when I tried to convince myself and prepare myself to tell my family about my decision. (By the way, my father passed away when I was child and maybe this can help you know my situation when I tell that until now I have some problems and sometimes I think that he is not "quite" dead, and I used passed away just so you understand and I never use those kind of words) But I never found any moment, a very suitable one, to tell them since I always felt that I wasn't ready. I asked many question concerning this on other sites (not islamic ones) but I received many bad and not helpful answers from atheists and others and few muslims. I tried istikhara prayer and asked Allah for help and courage and guidance. And I did lots of dua. But nothing happened. so one day I told my sister and I put it on but since then I started crying and could never cheer up or even realise what made me cry even though I wore it several times secretly, and that I just tried it at home and didn't wear it outside. I thought too much of the subject that I couldn't sleep or eat, so I started praying and then taking pills to sleep and escape all of this. And then I wake up with the thought of not wearing it and then wearing and then not.........It may sound very weird and awkward to you but believe me, I swear, it is the truth and that is what happened to me word by word.
So only yesterday I discussed this with my sister who exactly knows how I think and deciphers my feelings and strange readtions to things. I came up with this:
I want to wear hijab because: I want to please Allah. I want to be better muslimah. I want people to like me for who I am not for my appearance. I want to feel comfortable and don't worry about hijab again.
I'm scared to wear it because: I don't want to ,again, experience a change that makes me lose myself, or makes me struggle with my new life. ( I once tried to change my clothes style and was upset for a long while until I believed I should get back to my usual style since I didn't know who's looking right back the mirror!) I don't want to regret doing that because then I will hate myself more when regretting something I should do and should have done even before.
So my question(s):
Am I only not ready to wear it? How to make myself ready and help myself feel like that urge of wearing it?
Do I have to wait? But what makes me sure that I'll wear it after that?
Do I have to wear it now? But what happens if I regret, please tell me what to do if I feel so?
Does satan is the one who prevents me from doing so? How to get rid of him??
Note: I didn't find myself any ugly when I wore it. So it is not a matter of beauty. If I wear it, I will never think of taking it off.
Forgive my english. be nice and helpful.