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Salam WA. Before I ask my question, I would appreciate if whoever is answering my question would try to understand my conditions. Thank you I am a teenager, and I feel in love with my cousin in 2011. We started talking when my cousins conversation with his previous lover got sent to me somehow. And he was going through a tough time, so I decided to talk to him and try to make him feel better, because the situation was corrupted and I wanted to help. Later on things got pretty far, we started talking up to 7 hours daily. He is 4-5 years older then me and he would always say really sweet stuff to me, and I used to think he just considers me as a cousin/bestfriend. I didn't want to fall in love with a cousin ever, but then I did. So I told him I had feelings for him after a couple months because holding it in really affected me negatively. And what happened was that he loved me back too. And one day we decided that we'd skip school or just lie to our parents that were going somewhere else when we are actually hanging out with each other. We hung out many times during june-mid july 2012. And of course that was when our feelings became uncontrollable. We went on long walks and held hands, we would sit at the back of the car in each others arms and hug. We had also kissed each other for many hours. He would come in pants wearing shorts underneath and i would also come in pants wearing something tight underneath then we both would remove each others pants. That's when things started to get sexual. He had rubbed my breasts and my vagina over my cloths. And I had rubbed his bare penis with my hands. Knowing how bad this was we vowed to never do such a thing again. But we had still made plans to do even more sexual things like rolling the front passenger seat down and kissing each other on it shirt less. We would also always have phone sex, and sext. He had asked for my hand in marriage before all of this happened. He had always promised me he'll be here with/for me forever. We had our life planned out, even to the point where we decided how many kids we wanted and stuff of similar topic. He had promised me he would never leave me, and will be there for me through thick and thin no matter what happens. He had said "there is no one else in the world who would/could love you more then I do". And I believed his words. Since we were cousins our families had some inside problems with each other not major problems, problems that were smaller then minor, but this had still affected us when it came to a point where he wanted to get nikkahed and on eid-ul-fitr 2012 i had asked my mom if i could get nikkahed to my cousin it wasn't the sweetest experience. But after eid, he still wanted me to keep asking my mother, and so i did. I had told him I wanted to start speaking to him after 3 years because it all felt too soon for me, and he said no. Later in august 2012 due to our family problems he had stopped talking to me, well I told him well stop talking for now and then reunite in 3 years, i thought it was pretty clear to him but i guess it wasn't after all. He had ended all ties with me. It has been a year now, and our family problems are sort of solved. There is so much tension whenever there is a family gathering between us because we always have to see each other. I know that it has been a year already but the promises he made to me, the things we did together, and especially the topic of marriage has really hurt me and its something I can never forget no matter how hard I try. Whenever i do try to heal some obstacle always comes in my way from him. It is hard because I had my first everything with him, I can never seem to get him off my mind. I don't think he knows yet how much he hurt me. Whenever I see anything in public or at home that relates to me and him in a way i curse my self upon death because this pain hurts more then ever. At times I toke drastic measures when It would hurt. Was it right Islamically for him to do this? Was it right that I told him i had feelings for him? Do you think him talking to my parents about us getting nikkahed and then married after a couple years would have been beneficial to us? Would it have been better if we continued talking after couple years? In your honest and Islamic opinion what would have been the best way to deal with something like this.
JazakAllah for taking to the time to read this.

asked 1011 Mahwish's gravatar image

salamualeikum sis, i understand perfectly well hhow u fil, cos i also fell for my cousin but tins didnt go as far as urs went. D 1st misatake u made was been tooo close to him that led to ur feelings for him, d next mistake was disclosin ur feelins to him and all that followed after that was vry wrong for u to have done as a muslimah. Dt memory wouldnt have hurt so mch if it wr with somone outside family. D first tin u should do is to regret what u did with him n ask for forgiveness from Allah, then dont discuss anytin wit him about all d promismises, no intimacy, no frienship, nothing. If eventuall he still loves u n u do him. Pray to Allah to guid u both and choose d bst 4 u

answered 0441131 UnknownUser's gravatar image

Salam alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu.

In the name of Allah, most Beneficent, Most Merciful

This is a reminder to myself first and foremost (in reply to the sister's question).

Obviously, mistakes were made. Let me tell you that your cousin who is mahram (which means you can marry him) is included in the list of people of the opposite gender whom you cannot be intimate with (unless you are married, of course). Secondly, you fell in the trap most of us (the youth) have to face - Love. The problem is, during teenage (as you said you are a teenager), a lot of biological and mental changes are taking place which makes the teenager enter into a preoccupation with sexuality. What this means is that (as it became evident to you later) you are not actually truly in love, but you crave sexual satisfaction. Luckily for you, you didn't end up having sex.

The principal mistake was this. During teenage, Muslim youth have to make a decision which no group of youth in the world have access to: that is, you have to go from child to adult without even going into a middle phase (adolescence). I hope you understand so far.

In fact, you can control who you fall in love with if you set your priorities and principles straight. If according to Islamic principles the person who you love is good for marriage, then be patient till you are ready for marriage, before you approach the person. When you approach the person, it should be formal, not intimate.

The problem was that you got too intimate (which should never have happened since in Islam you should not even have a boyfriend in the first palce), and as a girl you are more emotionally attached with the first person who you expose your body and heart to, unlike many men. This was why this issue really affected you. What I would advise you do is to make du'a constantly, and strive to become a better Muslimah, insha-Allah.

Constantly ask for Allah's forgiveness and His protection from Shaytan when you remeber those moments. Allah says:

Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of God. Indeed, God forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” - Az-Zumar:53

Read the Qur'an which will help you heal your heart, as Allah says:

'Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest' -Ar-Ra'd:28

And indeed Allah enjoins forgiveness, so forgive your cousin for hurting you (and know that had both of you stuck to Allah's laws you would never have been hurt)

And know that whatever Allah does is the best for you. This incident happened for a reason. So return to Allah, forgive and strive to please Allah.

And Allah knows best, and may He forgive me and you for our mistakes.

answered 281 Nuh%20Uthman's gravatar image
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Asked: Aug 30 '13 at 15:05

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Last updated: Mar 01 at 16:28

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