Assalamu 'Alaikum :) Ill start by saying im a 16yrld native american ( red indian ) from the Catwaba tribe :) A little over 2 years ago i was going through some EXTREMELY BAD THINGS , like abuse and some personal things. My mother and family werent there for me so i got very depressed and lonely. I started adding strangers on facebook because I found it alot easier to talk them about my problems than people I really knew. They didnt judge me and i felt less shy/ashamed talking to someone that I wouldnt ever have to face. I wasnt looking for dating for anything like that ! Just friends i can vent my problems to. But that changed. I saw this boy (ill call him Sahil , but thats not his reall name lol ) Sahil and i started talking and one thing that suprised me was how polite and friendly he was ! The way he introduced himself and talked to me with respect was so refreshing ! We talked on fb for months and became best friends slowly. I find myself very wierd and the wierd things about myself and my personalty , he had the same !!! :) Anyway we became the closest friends. Its scary how close we are ! About 5months into knowing eachother we started saying i love you and we really did. Saying i love you felt so natural. We started calling eachother boyfriend and girlfriend. I know relationships before marriage is wrong and i dont agree with it. But boy friend and girl friend arent what we should be called. This isnt some silly love thing based on looks , flirting , or anything related like that ! Companion ship is way better. We dont ever talk dirty ! We're already doing wrong by being in this relationship. Itd be worse to add on to the sin. And life long marriages must be built on love and understanding , not lust :) I think , INSHA ALLAH , Allah understands. He lives in India , and me in North America. I truly believe Allah made us for eachother and made us so far away to test us. If two people can spemd 2 years apart and never meeting and still love eachother the way we do surely theyll be great together right ? After 1 year of talking he brought up Islam. We had always joked about marriage but then he told me that if we really did marry i would have to become muslim. I never had a religoun , I wasnt born into any religoun or anything like that. I was always thought thats theres one God and to respect the earth. Us native indians are mostly just spiritual :) Anyway i was completely open to learning about Islam !! The thought of Islam excited me and i wanted to learn as much as i can. Eventually i became muslim :D. And ever since ive became a muslim i feel warm in my heart and something else that I cant explain. Im currently teaching my mother about Islam and i think she likes it :)
Anyway , its been over 2 years of us being in this amazing love/extreme friend ship so its time for us to meet....... And his parents dont know about me yet :/ youre seeing my problem now lol. He got into a great college and moved into a hostel recently so he will tell his parents in a couple months or alot less. My mother excepts Sahil and likes him alot but we're VERY afraid of what his parents will think :( Let me stress to you how much he means to me ! Masha Allah , i just cant explain it ! I know I couldnt live without him :( He broke up with 3 months ago because he got scared of me not being real. That was one of the worst times of my life. I got enrolled into a volunteer abroad program that would go to his city but found out i couldnt afford it. Shukr Allah he came to senses and came back to me. When he left i cryed so hard that tears werent even coming out , i was just shaking voilently !!! He said he'll parents will need some serious proof that i really live him and that his family could easily afford the plane ticket to bring me there but i said ill work to get the money myself ! I wand weave purses and bags and im starting to work at Mc Donalds in a week or so. Ill get the money for the ticket soon enough working and selling my weaving. Me getting the money on my own will surely proove myself to them !! Because itll be hard work !!! He told me his mother is against him marrying a convert and thatll she'll think of as one even though im not a convert because i never had a religoun before. And that they wont like that im american but the thing is , im not american , im NATIVE AMERICAN. We arent anything like the people who live here on this stolen land. But he said it wont matter , i was still born and live in America :/ Once he tells them about me im going to mail his mother and sister a beautiful hand woven purse :) Ill raise the money on my own to go there. Those are my two ways of prooving myself. Please , do you have any other idea ? Imagin Sahil is your son. What would you want ? I dress VERY modistly , i am very respectfull and way too mature for my age , my looks arent bad lol , im getting really good grades in school , im devoted to Islam and as eager as ever to increase my knowledge of Islam and im really caring :) How else should i impress them ?? Trust any , even the tiniest idea or tip will be so much help to me ! Or do you have any thought on what him and I are doing ? How to make it less of a sin ? How to make them except me and trust me ? Hmmmmm im sorry i rambled so much. Insha Allah i wasnt confusing and sorry for typing and spelling mistakes lol. Thank you for taking the time to read this :) Wasak amd please give me any advise or ideas you have ! :D
Allah (Subhana wa Ta'ala) created men and women as company for one another; and so that they can procreate and live in peace and harmony according to His commandments:
‘And among His signs is this: that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect.’ (Ar-Rum: 21).
‘And Allah has made for you mates (and companions) of your own nature, and made for you, out of them, sons and daughters and grandchildren, and provided for you sustenance of the best: will they then believe in vain things, and be ungrateful for Allah's favours?’ (An-Nahl: 72).
Marriage is a serious business!
You’re a 16 year old who reverted to Islam (some while ago), but no other member of your family is Muslim. You’ve been corresponding online with ‘Sahil’ for two years. He lives in India and you in North America.
In order for a marriage to be valid there must be no legal prohibition to that marriage, such as the couple’s respective ages.
The legal marriageable age in India for women is 18 (21 for men). Unless you are prepared to break the law, marriage in India will have to wait awhile. If you do break the law then your marriage will be invalid.
You don’t say where in America you live; but since you are a Catawba I’m guessing it’s somewhere along the border between North and South Carolina. The legal marriageable age in these states is 18 (16 with parental consent).
While your parents may well consent to your marriage at 16, that would apply to a civic marriage only. Consent for an Islamic marriage is a wee bit more complicated, at least for you.
The Quran gives you a major role in choosing a husband:
‘Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner.’ (Al-Baqara: 232).
Agreement between you and ‘Sahil’ is probably a given. However, as a Muslim woman who has not married before you require a guardian (wali) not only to help you arrange the marriage but to accompany you during the marriage ceremony itself. The wali must be a Muslim male. This rules out any member of your family.
You intend to travel to India (presumably on your own) in order to get married.
I guess this would entail - at some point - a meeting with ‘Sahil’ and his parents. This will not be possible for you without your mahram (presumably your wali):
‘Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (sallallahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "No one of you should meet a woman in privacy unless she is accompanied by a mahram.'' ’ (Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
Even after a couple have agreed to marry, the man is still not her mahram. This means that you and ‘Sahil’ cannot deal with one another as partners in any way (such as being alone together, going out together, and so on)until you are married.
You say that ‘Sahil’ is at college, and lives in a hostel.
The man is responsible for providing for his wife:
‘Let the wealthy man spend according to his means; and let the man whose provisions are restricted spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah does not burden a soul beyond what He has given it, and Allah will grant ease after a hardship.’ (Al-Talaq: 7)
It is the duty of your wali to decide whether or not ‘Sahil’ is able to maintain you and any children you might have.
Please note: According to the Hanafi school, marriage is forbidden to a man if he does not possess the means to maintain his wife and children.
There is debate about whether a woman needs permission from her wali to marry, or whether she has the right to marry anyone whom she likes without permission. The Shafi’i, Maliki and Hanbali schools say that nikah entered into by a woman herself, without the permission of her wali, is invalid and void. The Hanafi ruling on this matter is that a woman can enter into a marital contract by herself without permission from her wali.
Complicated, isn’t it!
I recommend that you talk to your Imam, and be guided by what he has to say. At the appropriate time he may well offer to be your wali; or perhaps recommend someone who can be trusted to carry out this very great responsibility.
It might be better for ‘Sahil’ to visit America to see you, rather than you go to India.
I hope this helps.
May Allah (Subhana wa Ta'ala) guide you, and give you happiness (and patience!).
Everything that the brother has said applies and you have to give it consideration. I overlooked the fact that you are 16yo. Irrespective of age, you will need a mahram or wali to be with you. Turning up without one would run you into trouble from the parents' point of view and is unacceptable in Islam.
May Allaah SWT guide you and light your path.
Wa laikum As Salaam sister, You have an effervescent spirit and are able to express yourself well! Alhamdilollah for the eagerness that you are showing in your open and honest intentions to become a wife in Islam. Masha Allaah that you are so eager and feel so much beauty and love for Islam.... it reflects in your words and enthusiasm to please Allaah SWT and in your intention to do the right thing and please Sahil's parents. Your best decision in your life to date, is your inquiry into Islam and as you have an open heart, and Allaah SWT knows this, He has shown you the right path in your life. The feelings that you describe are no coincidence; this is how Islam feels in the pure heart: contentment and a positive feeling which one cannot describe. You say that you were not born into any religion but you were. Every living being is born in Islam. Islam means peace, purity, submission and obedience. In the religious sense, Islam means submission to the will of God and obedience to His law. The word Islam is derived from the Arabic root word "Salema". When we are born, we are all born pure, we know no other than submission to AllaahSWT. It is later on as we grow and come under the influence of others that this can change depending primarily on the belief systems and values that our parents have. But alhamdilollah, you are on the right path. Now your question of pleasing Sahil's parents. Whatever I am going to say has absolutely no reflection on you and your person. What I am going to make you aware of here is of people's tendency to be afraid of that which does not fit within their perceived idea of how their life and the lives of their offspring should run. Salih's parents may be of very closed mind and could quite possibly have always expected that their son, without any doubt should marry an Indian girl. Language, customs, family ties are all alot easier for them if their son was to marry their own nationality. On the other hand, the parents could quite possibly welcome you with open arms and accept you as their future daughter in Islamic law. This would be the easiest and most welcomed possibility for you and Salih. If this happens, inshallah, you will be relieved and happy to plan your future together. There is a strong possibility however, that you run into problems. Salih is obliged to follow his parent's wishes and he may have to work hard at trying to make them see his point of view. What can you do that may assist you in appealing to his parents? Be modest. This is in your speech, your dress, your actions. Be perceptive and observant. You will not understand the language but you can pick up alot from the tone of voice, facial expressions and their demeanour towards you. Now that all sounds so serious I know but you are about to tackle a potentially tough challenge. Pray, recite Qur'an, be humble, ... do all of these things so that you are showing your true comittment to Islam as this will be on the parent's mind very much so. The best advice I can give you is to pray Istikhara and ask Allaah SWT to help you and guide you. If you do this with honest intentions, you will be guided. And Allaah knows best. Ameen.