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Asalaamualaikum .I am a revert and i'v been muslim for about 1yr.I am married to a very good muslim man,that is 17years older than me.He is a haffiz.We have been married for 7months and i am 2months pregnant,baby was not planned.I am basically the "secret second wife" and just saying that hurts.He spends about 5hours a week with me,and when he is with his first wife and family,I won't hear from him for days,and just wont bother even sending me a message.I have spoken to him before on more than one occasion telling him how neglected i feel and that I am constantly left to deal with everything by myself.I have given up seeing him because i want him to spend time with his kids,I have dealt with all his excuses.He spends all his time at work and he always makes me understand that i should be grateful for the hour or two i get with him.I honestly think he bit of more than he can chew and before we got to know I was pregnant i know he was looking for an excuse to get out of this.As all the fun was now over.I have NEVER put pressure on him to tell his fam,I have been more than supporting,dealt with disappointment.And i have made many mistakes before,but do i deserve to live like this forever?I love him and probably worship the ground he walks on.But i CAN NOT live like this.Am i overreacting?What does islam say about this?And about divorce?As i am extremely lonely?Am i wrong to feel that i am equal to her??How do i get him to understand? JazakAllah khair for reading my mail

asked 101 raeesah92's gravatar image

salamualeikum, sister, y did u decide to go on with d secrete nikai, so now his first wife doesnt knw about u. Well so far that i knw, islam allows more than one wife, so it shld never b a thing of secret, n dt is for he who can be just between d women, so ur husband is not being just in ur marrige, u deserve to be treated equally as she is, n his time should be sheared equally between u two. Allah knows best.

answered 0543146 UnknownUser's gravatar image

walycum salam..JazakAllah khair for your reply,I have done some research before and according to many scholars you do not have to tell you first wife about the second and visa virsa,so I know it is not harraam. But jee you are right, that was my argument as-well , why when it is allowed would they want to hide it and lie about it. He keeps on telling me because we now live in a very Western Country (South Africa) where people will look down on his first wife and people will not understand as they do in the muslim countries. But to answer your question, he told me when we got married his intention is to tell his wife.. I don't want to be a nagging wife and make life difficult for him, but is it ok for him to neglect me this way and when he is with her ignore me for days and when i fight with him he will just tell me he was not feeling well.. If i had to what a divorce, does he still have to support the baby? I do not wanna go to jahannam but i am extremely lonely and dont think i deserve this..And regardless of my feelings there will soon be a baby, and a baby deserves a mum and a dad

answered 101 raeesah92's gravatar image

sister i do not agree with his excuse of d mordern world, is he ashame of been a muslim? Any way, as for ur lonelyness, if u are afraid it might lead to zina, den ask for divorce n remarry, its his duty to surport his child evn after divorse. And again u ar ryt abt d child needing both parent........hmmm, u realy need to think diply n weigh d options, sit him down for a serious tok n let him knw hw frustrated u ar with d situation, dn finally pray to Allah for help, guidiance and solution. If he cant tell d community abt u he shld b abble to tell his wife so that she can have u shear his time. She wouldnt want to spread the news as she wont want to be looked down on by ppl like he said. I feel for u sister and wish u d best, may Allah guid u.

answered 0543146 UnknownUser's gravatar image

sister i would advise u to tell ur husbands that islam allows a man to marry more than 1 wife maximum is 4 wives so as good muslim he and u should tell his first wife that he is married to u because if u are both keeping it a secret his first wife might wonder where he is going and if he is going to meet u then it may lead him to commit sin by lying which is a grave sin so the best thing is to do is to ask help from Allah swt for help and be patient, when u tell the first wife it night cause problems because i know what women are like nowadays some don't really follow islam properly instead they follow the muslims and some muslims don't even follow the islam rules properly which is so bad inshallah if ur husbands first wife is a good muslim then i'm sure she would understand i am only 16 btw just to let u know i am yet to be married so i don't really know much abt this but am learning hope u helped

answered 402 Fashionista's gravatar image

Asalaamualaikum and i would like to thank you all very much for the advice you had given me.. Islam is truly a beautiful religion with an amazing support structure..JazakAllah khair so much, and may Allah Ta Allah bless you and reward you for your advice. "fasionista" thank you very much as well for your input..if a 16 year old knows this there is no excuse for a 37year old..You are very wise and soooooooo right!!!Keep on learning about the deen and may Allah keep you in the strait and narrow and bless you with an amazzing husband..InshaAllah. "umm hadi" thank you soo much for your reply as-well.. it is truly appreciated and made me feel better knowing i am not being unreasonable.. May Allah Ta Allah reward you. Please remember me in your duas as I will remember all of you.Ameen

answered 101 raeesah92's gravatar image

u ar welcome dear sister. May Allah make u happy.

answered 0543146 UnknownUser's gravatar image

God's Peace & Mercy, & Blessings, & Forgiveness be on you sister :)

Truly - I gather the brother hadn't the capacity to manage more than 1 wife.

The Prophet peace be upon him would spend time with his wives in turns.

Sister - as mentioned, you need to further contemplate & evaluate your options. Consider your needs (spiritual, social, time, financial, physical) etc. and assess the advantages & disadvantages of staying with this brother, or separating and marrying another brother.

Try reading similar questions here:

Consult with QUALIFIED scholars for their opinion etc.

After you have come to a decision - perform Istikharaa Salaat. And then - continue with your decision.

If your decision is to separate - then Insh'Allah sister - there are 6 Billion + people in the world. Your current husband might be good - but their might also be someone better. Your current husband might be good - but he might not be the best FOR YOU.

Also - just a general advise, it is best to be sufficiently versed in this creed you have adopted to be better able to make your decisions in life. To get started, I advise:

May Allah guide us, makes things easy, and grant us patience.

answered 102 HumbledSlave's gravatar image

JazakAllah khair so much for your reply to my mail aswell...Ameen and you are soo right.I am just scared..He is all I have know for a wile and I always said that when I get married I would not want to get divorced. .I have made istikhaara salah and now leave it in Allah ta Allah hands..Shukran so much for all your advice..May Allah Reward you xx

answered 101 raeesah92's gravatar image

Well Sister, I'd like to avail myself more to you - however I don't know if this site permits private messaging so that I might forward my email to you - should it ever be of use in the future...

AS regards to the divorce issue:

1) Divorce is no sin, nor should it have any associated stigma

And if it is that you are concerned about that narration that states (Paraphrased): The most disliked of Halal things to Allah is Divorce - then know that this is a WEAK narration, if not outright false & fabricated - from what I have gathered from my classes etc.

Divorce is an avenue Allah has made permissible. If required - facilitate it.

I have witnessed people running from divorce as though it were the most evil of sins (and yet Allah has made it permissible). And yet - due to their own inability to cope with the severe issues they might have with their current partners - they engage in things that ARE actually sins (cursing the spouse, cursing the spouses family, NOT fulfilling their duties to one another, and ENTIRE family feuds)

So where is the priority?

Of course, all this emotional strain from not having ones need fulfilled consequently A) Adds to the burden on their children B) Physical health deteriorates c)Mental health deteriorates (they might now become inappropriately agitated with the slightest thing, always in rage) D) Displeased with Allah - God protect us from this and on and on...

Would it not have been better for these people to PEACEFULLY have separated - harboring no ill will unto the other, and their extended families be peaceful to one another, having their children one less thing to be concerned about, as well as keeping their own lives in tact & not maiming their own selves when God had provided them a solution to their problems?

2) Yes, it is Sunnah that if you can mend the situation, to try to do so first

From what I understand- you have already attempted to cope with the situation - and it is proving difficult for you.

As aforementioned - 1)contemplate the advantages & disadvantages in ALL areas of your life in staying with this brother & in separating. 2)And then similarly evaluate your NEEDS (and a spouse contributes to ones social needs & physical needs) 3)Then decide - on what things you can and can not compromise on. 4) Read what the scholar above have advised those in similar position as you 5) Ask qualified people for their advise

Thereafter - discuss the aforementioned things with this brother; - calm & collected - whatever should happen - that is the decree of Allah (because you have done your part to this point) And should adversity arise (or perceived anyways) - then patience in fulfilling the commandments (of creed & law) & in adversity is the hallmark of the believer.

There is a narration wherein the Prophet peace be on him stated (SEVERELY paraphrased): How amazing is the case of the believer! When calamity strikes him - he is patient, and Allah will purify him - and that is good for him. And what good befalls him, he is grateful, and that is good for him.

Give it some time - you have already been thinking about it. He may or may not be - and if not - he needs time to think this through also. IF there is a resolution - Alhumdullilah. If not - Alhumdullilah - May Allah replace this circumstance of yours with one which is better for YOU & him.

3) If Divorce is decided - it should be conducted as such that there are no ill feelings between yourself & your spouse. Just as when you might go to a market, decide to purchase something, have an agreement with the seller, but one or the other might opt out. If one is not fulfilling the needs of the other, and can not alter their life such to be able to accommodative of those needs/preference - they should have the justice to recognize their shortcomings & the rights of the other in this transaction.

Are you going to loathe the fruit seller because he will not sell you a basket of cherries for your Cent? He has the right to sell it for a million or a cent - that is his value/preference. And you have the right to decide how much you are willing to spend - that is your value/preference/capacity. If it doesn't work out - it doesn't work out. Both move on - he to the next customer, and you to the next fruit seller.

Its just a valid the end - he is your brother, and you are his sister.


All of this is common sense, and things you probably already know.

However - I can imagine that this is an intimate issue. Such that it might be a cause for an excess of emotions present in the individual undergoing it. And this excess subsequently inhibiting one them from clear evaluation.

Insha'Allah my objective is just to be a reminder. Insha'Allah I do hope these reminders will facilitate you in your decision

All the Good is from Allah, and any mistakes herein are from me. May Allah forgive us, guide us, grant us patience, and provide what is best for us in this life, and the best in the Akhira.

: )

answered 102 HumbledSlave's gravatar image

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answered 0 taiseer's gravatar image
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Asked: Sep 24 '13 at 03:24

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Last updated: Oct 11 '13 at 06:30

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