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I am from Canada and my husband is from Tunisia. We married in 2012 and have been together since January 2010. We met online and since the day we met he has cheated on me with 24 other girls that I know of and the girls ranged from the ages of 16 to women in their 50's. At the time I met him, I was 28 years old and he was 25. Now I am 32 and he is 28. We survived the distance for this long. I traveled to see him for the first time in November 2011 and stayed with him in his family home until I returned back to Canada 1 month later. The second time was in 2012 for our wedding, which none of my family attended not because they didn't want to, but because they couldn't. I stayed there for 18 days. The third time was February 2013 and I stayed for 12 days. I went back again for my fourth time from July 2013 until October 2013. I stayed 3 months.

When we first met, I was welcomed and accepted by his family as one of their own. His mother gave me an arabic name (the name she would have given her daughter if she ever had one) but she didn't because she gave birth to 5 boys, so I was the daughter she waited 28 years for. That quickly changed especially when I was there in July to October of this year. I will elaborate later.

Now onto what my topic is about. I am not a Muslim but my husband is. He does not practice Islam such as prayers ect... but does talk about ALLAH and says WALLAH alot. In the 4 years we have been together, I have asked him to help me learn about Islam and most recently to help me learn more about marriage in Islam. He has not helped me at all. I do searches online, and I have a Quaran here which was translated to English but there are some things I just don't understand. When I ask questions, they go unanswered.

He does not work and has not worked in the 4 years that we have been together. He has told me about his past jobs and they are always in hotels working with tourists and in bars only during the summer months. He has also told me stories about things he has done with the tourists and guests, his etiquette with the guests and tourists of these hotels and bars which has caused me not to like him working in these places because his behavior was very inappropriate and he is now a married man and he should be working in a different profession. He has no diploma for these hotel and bar jobs, but has a diploma for working with metal and plastic making doors and tables, chairs ect... However, he insists that the only job he can work is in the touristic areas in bars and hotels and refuses to look for something else so because of this, I have been supporting him financially since January, 2010. I send him money every month, rented him an apartment and I take care of his needs, wants and transportation. I have purchased 6 cell phones for him, 4 laptops, clothes and so on.

Even though I do this for him, my husband continues to lie about everything!!! When I say everything, I mean even the smallest little detail such as, for example, he will lie about having 3 eggs for breakfast when he really had 4 eggs. He has lied to me about the cheating, even going so far as saying WALLAH 3 times and holding the Quaran in his hands telling me he never cheated on me, wasn't cheating on me, and I was the only woman in his life in order for me to believe him because he knew I would. He did this on 5 different occasions. He knew I would believe him because I take swearing to God very seriously and I truly believe that when you swear to God you are telling nothing but the truth especially when you are holding his holy book in your hands. I did believe him for a while but after I began having my doubts. I found all of the proof on his cheating ways and confronted him with it and he could not deny it. I am also unsure whether he was a virgin when I met him because 3 of his friends told me he wasn't and told me the story of how it happened, I had my doubts until I found a message on his facebook which he gave me access to typed by his own hands to another girl telling her he wasn't a virgin and told her the same story of how it happened that his friends had told me. But to this day he swears and says WALLAH that he was a virgin. But I really don't know because he lies so much.

I forgave him for his cheating ways, we got married and I continued to financially support him. Even after marriage, to be honest, I am still having my doubts about his fidelity.

I have not attempted to bring him to Canada after we were married which is my biggest regret. However, when I was there from July to October this year, I wanted to do his paperwork for a visa to come here. We did everything, we went to an interview but was told that we needed more paperwork done. We never did it and we never rescheduled for another interview. That was not my fault, it was his because I did mention to him many of times to do his papers but it always fell on deaf ears.

During the time we are apart, we talk on Skype and on the phone. It is very difficult having a long distance relationship but more so having a long distance marriage. Instead of looking at Skype as a blessing by having something where we can see and talk to each other is not good enough for him. He says he hates Skype and he hates being online with me, but yet he is constantly online via his Facebook and blocks me from seeing him online on chat and blocks me from seeing his friends list and posts so I won't know he's online. This has been happening for a long time now. When we do chat, He is very rude and mean to me with his actions and his words to the point that I am in tears 99% of the time we talk. When I asked him why he is this way with me, he says that it's because we are online but in person things will be so different and none of that maltreatment will happen anymore. Again, I believed him even though I had doubts at the same time.

The first time I traveled there, everything was great overall. We had our share of arguments and this was the first time he hit me. The second time when I went for our marriage, it was great. He never hit me but one time in a argument 3 days after the marriage he threatened to rip up our marriage certificate and get a divorce. The third time, there was no physical abuse either. But this fourth time, there was A LOT! This is the time which makes me so confused and stressed.

As mentioned earlier... I decided to travel to his country to spend 3 months with him. I did this in order for us to live together as a married couple which we never had the opportunity of doing before. To get to know each other, for me to be able to experience life in his country but most importantly to experience what an Islamic marriage is like and to learn more about Islam by his example for help in my conversion. I thought by being there physically and to learn by his actions and treatment, it would give me a better understanding of Islam rather than just being told with words, however, now I am more confused than I was before!!!

Well, it didn't happen quite the way I thought it would. We did not live the life of a married couple for the first month and a half I was there. We were living at his parent's house and from the second day I arrived there, he started to hit me. While we lived at his parent's house, he would leave me alone there and go out from the moment he would wake up until sometimes the next morning before he would come back home. So I was alone all day in his parent's house where I was not allowed to leave, not even to go outside for air. I was literally held prisonner in his parent's home. I could not even go to the bathroom without being asked by one of his brothers or his father where I was going. It was so bad that after I would finish using the bathroom and open the door to go out, I would find someone standing there to make sure I would not go outside.

When we did go out together, which was not very often, he would bring me to a coffee shop or to the capital. The most time we would spend together was a morning or an afternoon in the capital and 1 or 2 hours in the coffee shop then we would return back to his parent's house and he would leave me there alone again and go out. During this time, his brother came from Belgium with his Belgium wife who I did not like at all because she tried to cause so many problems between my husband and I by telling him lies about me and things I said when he was gone, things I did not even say at all. Her husband (my husband's brother) would leave her alone at home just like my husband was doing to me. But her husband was gone more than mine was. So the only interaction she had with a man was with my husband. She would follow him everywhere, wait for him to come home, talk to him about her problems with his brother and he would listen to her and comfort her meanwhile me, his wife was alone waiting for attention from him and to spend time with him. It got to the point that when her and her husband (my husband's brother) would go out together, they would bring my husband with them and I would be left at his parent's house alone. Sometimes they would go out all day and all night until 5 or 6 in the morning before they came back.

His brother brought a scooter with them from Belgium which they were looking to sell in Tunisia. My husband spoke to me about it and I agreed to buy it because he painted the most beautiful pictures of us going for rides together and travelling with it. So I thought that by buying this scooter it would bring us closer together and would allow us more time to spend together as a couple. BIG Mistake!!! After buying the scooter which was 3 weeks after I arrived until the day I left, I only went for a ride on the scooter twice and both times was only for a short ride of 15 minutes. The other times the scooter was used was when he would leave me at his parent's house and he would go out alone with it. Over 400 km was put on the scooter from the time I bought it until the time I left and I left it there in his possession when I came back to Canada. So from the date of arrival on July 28 to September 12 we lived at his parent's house.

On September 12, we moved out of his parent's house and into an apartment we rented in another city 2 hours away. The second day after we moved in, we had an argument and he left the apartment. I followed him. He knew I was behind him but he did not stop. I did not know this city at all. While I was following him, I stopped for less than 1 minute to catch my breath and when I looked up he was gone leaving me alone in an unknown city to me and I was lost. I walked to the main road, and called him. He would not answer his phone. I sent several sms messages telling him I was lost, alone and scared to which he replied that this was my fault, and he didn't care and I did this to myself to forget about him because our marriage was over. I was crying standing on the street not knowing where to go so I called one of his friends for help. His friend instructed me to get in a taxi and call him so he could speak to the driver and he would bring me to his apartment and I would wait there for him because he was at work. I did not have a key for the apartment, but was told that his roommate was going to leave his work to come and open the door for me so I would not be left outside in the heat. It was 43degrees that day. Upon arriving, and waiting for his roommate to come, my husband came. He had a key and let himself in because he was living there prior to my arrival. When I went to follow him inside, my husband closed and locked the door leaving me outside in the heat sweating, crying and scared and would not allow me inside. When the roommate arrived, he allowed me in the apartment and was surprised to find my husband there and me outside. My husband began to yell at me and scream at me so I ended up leaving to go outside but came back a short time later. When I came back he told me his mother was coming. I asked him why and he said that his mother was coming to stop me from not letting him leave the apartment we rented. When his mother came, she was yelling at me, she was saying that it was all my fault and that in no way will her son ever come to Canada and that he will stay in Tunisia with her. She kept saying that it was over between my husband and I and that I will never have her son again and she will do whatever it takes to make that happen. This was not the first time she has said this to me ... she has said this to me several times before when we were living in her house. We ended up going back to the apartment we rented and the owner intervened. Both my husband and I ended up leaving the apartment that day and we traveled back to his parent's house where in a fit of rage he took our Arabic marriage certificate, ripped it up and threw it in the garbage. I had the English translated version in my possession. After taking his fit of rage, he then went on his Facebook and started chatting with the wife of one of his friends who is also Canadian and was our neighbor at the apartment we rented.

The following day we returned back to the apartment and officially moved back in. From that day on was just horrible. Sure we had our good moments, but most were bad ones. He would sleep all day and stay awake all night. I would go to sleep alone and wake up alone. I caught him watching pornography on his phone via internet and searching for pornographic pages on Facebook while I was sleeping. I confronted him about it but he would just tell me WALLAH he didn't know anything about it.

There was one night when i was so hungry that I needed to eat. Because I have medical problems with my stomach there is not much I can on a bad day and this night was a bad one. I was experiencing alot of discomfort. He was laying in bed playing on his phone when I asked him to go out with me to a restaurant to find something to buy and bring home like we have done so many times before. This night, he didn't want to. He wanted to go by himself. Since we did not go to the market to buy food, we had nothing in the apartment to eat so I had to rely on him going with me to a restaurant. It was dark outside and it was not safe for me to go out alone. He started pushing the issue of him going out to get me something alone even when I was explaining to him that I needed to go with him because I knew what I could and could not eat. I could not tell him to bring me something and then he goes there and they don't have it so he has to buy something else and if that was the case, what happens if I could not eat what he brought back for me. So I needed to go out with him. Since he already ate the rest of his pizza he had for lunch and that I could not eat...I had nothing.

When I would not stop pushing the issue of going to the restaurant with me to find something for me to eat, he told me either he goes alone or I won't eat at all. I was hungry, I wasn't feeling well, I was angry at this comment, I went over to the bed took his phone and told him to listen to me that the way he was treating me right now wasn't right. He commanded me to give him back the phone and when I said no he put his hands around my throat pushed me up against the wall and started punching me REALLY hard. I started to scream for someone to help me. He was screaming insults at me and I fell to the ground because I could not breathe. I felt myself going black like I was going to lose consciousness. When I fell to the ground he began kicking me and continued to punch me. I just kept screaming for help and almost lost consciousness again 3 more times.

He was punching me everywhere and kicking me everywhere but he focused more of his kicking to my stomach where I was already in pain. Then he kicked my private area as well and told me that he knew I was having problems conceiving a baby because of my medical problems and that he would make sure that I never conceive with him or anyone else if I ever left him. He kept saying over and over again that WALLAH he was going to kill me. There was knocking at the door but he wouldn't stop. Finally he did, and when he answered the door the owner of the building was there. He entered our apartment and my husband came back to the bedroom where I was and was going to start beating me again until the owner stopped him. He told me that I had to remain in the bedroom and if I left, WALLAH he was going to kill me.

I ended up leaving and went to the owner's house downstairs of where we lived. His wife took care of me. She gave me some eggs and took care of my wounds. He hurt me very badly. I had a swollen black eye, bruises all over my body, the inside of my lips were cut open, I could not move very well, every time I did, it was so painful that I would just start to cry.

Finally after some time, my husband and the owner of the building came. My husband held me and hugged me and was being very sweet and affectionate and brought me back to the apartment. Once we arrived he began his insults again and ended up leaving the next day. He told me that he was going to go get me a doctor but he never came back. He abandoned me for 5 days with no contact, no food and nothing to drink in the apartment. I ended up falling very ill. I was dehydrated and mal nourished. I spoke to his father on a daily basis and his father kept telling me that he spoke to my husband and told him how ill I was and that my husband would return but he didn't. 5 days later he came back and could not believe how much weight I had lost and the condition I was in.

He told me he was sorry for what he did. (First time that he ever said sorry for anything) and that he would never do that to me again. after apologizing ,He told me that now I have finally seen him at his worst and what he is capable of doing and that I have to be careful not to make him angry again because I was lucky he didn't kill me.

We remained in that apartment. It took 2 weeks for my bruises to heal and even to this day, I have permanent scarring on my eye. The blood vessels were broken so severely that my eye is permanently bruised and it will never go back to my normal color.

After 1 month at this apartment, he decided not to renew the rental agreement to stay there longer so we moved out and found a 2 bedroom villa. The first week, I spent everyday cleaning it because it was so dirty and he did not help me at all. All he did was sleep and when he woke up, he would sit on the sofa watching television and play on his phone (that I brought to him from Canada...Phone #6). When I would ask for help because I didn't want to spend all my time there cleaning as I only had 15 days left before going back to Canada and I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, he would get angry with me and tell me not to bother him.

After that first week, we had our share of arguments but nothing like before we moved in there until 5 days before I was due to leave. That day, he was violent with me again. This time it was because I found a girl's earring in the pocket of his shorts when I was washing them while he was sleeping. When I confronted him about it he was calm and told me WALLAH he had never saw that earring before in his life. When I gave it to him, he told me that it was mine. First of all, it was pink and I don't wear pink and I only brought 2 pairs of earrings with me. Then he changed his story and told me it was a button that was on one of my dresses but it wasn't. I explained that a button has holes in it and this had a long metal piece that goes in someone's ear so it was an earring. When I said that it doesnt make sense and why he was changing his stories so frequently about the earring he became irate with me and began to choke me. Holding me up against the wall with his hands around my throat. I could not breathe and again as the last time I felt myself losing consciousness so I slapped him to make him stop. I didn't realize where I slapped him because my eyes were closed and I was seeing only black due to my lack of oxygen. When he let me go, I opened my eyes and I realized I slapped him in the face. I quickly apologized and he began to slander me. Yell obscenities at me and he began to hit me. He told me that he would do the same thing to me that he did before in the apartment we were living in. When he began to pack his things I tried to stop him. I was crying and begged him not to leave. He punched me in the mouth and my lips were cut open again and that's when I ran out and called his father.

I was going to go to the police but the owners of that house came and spoke to my husband. I put the earring in my bag. My husband ended up leaving and came back 10 hours later after getting his mother involved again. She didn't come to us this time, but she was saying the same things she did to me before on the phone. The day before I left Tunisia, we spent the night at his parent's house. I looked for the earring because I wanted to ask his mom if it was hers but it was gone. He took it out and didn't tell me. I forgot about it at that moment because I was busy packing.

After that, things were fine again. When I left his country to come back to Canada, it was different. He ended up going to jail the day after I left because someone tried to steal the scooter when he was at a coffee shop and my husband broke this guy's nose. I had no idea this was going on. I called his phone, I spoke to his dad, I spoke to his brother's and his mother and no one would tell me anything. They would just lie to me. His mother even went so far as to say WALLAH WALLAH WALLAH that my husband was not home and he was out having a coffee with friends and Inchallah when he got back home later that night, he would connect on Skype with me, but he never did. So I kept calling and speaking to his dad until finally after 5 days his dad told me the truth that he was in jail and the reason why. The day my husband was released, he went to his parent's house, did not connect with me online to tell me he was ok. He went out with his friends instead. I found out by calling his dad and he told me where my husband was.

That night my husband came online with me on Skype. it was the first time since we first met that I saw him so caring and loving towards me. He was the best to be honest. I thought to myself, FINALLY I am getting the man I fell in love with back. But that changed dramatically.

I heard his mother talking while we were on cam and that's when I remembered the earring. I didn't want to tell him that he took it because even though I knew which pocket I put it in, I thought maybe I may have moved it and didn't remember so I wanted to look for it first. I got my bag emptied all the contents from every pocket and the earring was gone. When I asked my husband about it, he told me WALLAH that he did not take it out. But he mentioned it to me that night before I left. I left it alone and didn't say anything more about it. We ended up falling asleep with each other on skype that night.

When I woke the next morning he was online writing to me. We talked for a little while and then he left. I called him a few hours later because I was going to travel to another city which is 1 1/2 hours away to the closest Western Union to send him money. I wanted to know how much he needed because since he was in jail, he needed to pay for the lawyer and he needed to pay the hospital bills for the guy he hurt as his conditions for being released. I did not want to see him go back to jail again so I agreed to help him pay for it. When I explained this to my mom, she even agreed to help as well.

I did not end up going to the other city. I called him to tell him I wasn't going and he began to scream and yell at me on the phone. When I told him that my mom would like to speak to him, and as I handed her the phone before she said hello she heard him say that he didn't want to speak to me or her and hung up. My mom was so upset that she was crying. She is 71 years old and is not in very good health. I called him back and his phone was off. I waited a while and called back again, while it was ringing I gave the phone to my mom. When he answered, he said some very mean and cruel things about me and her and then he hung up again. She was crying even more and she informed me that he was not welcome in this house and she refuses to help him now.

She asked me to leave her alone so I did. I was so upset that I left and I got into a car accident. It was not my fault however. I was hit from behind and I was injured. When I was at the hospital, and during the examination they found other things wrong with me from the hospital and I had to go back to the doctor the next day. After I returned home, I called my husband and told him about the accident. He answered and told me that he was at the coffee shop and he was watching the football game and did not want to leave. I asked him how he could do that considering his wife was in an accident and he won't even leave to get home and check on her!!! He said well, it's Skype and there's nothing he can do anyway and that he would talk to me later. When he arrived home he did not come online. I waited until midnight his time before I called. His phone was off so I called his dad's phone. He answered. I told him I needed him and asked him to go on skype. He did, but when he did he was very cold and he was very mean. He told me he was only giving me 10 minutes to talk and he was going to bed because he was tired!!! I told him that it wasn't fair and he said 5 minutes then he hit the computer and when I started to cry he closed the laptop shut and would not come back. He does this to me a lot!!!!

Today I had to go to the doctor because they found problems in the x-rays they did at the hospital that were not accident related. There is a problem with my kidney from what they could see. I sent him a SMS message and told him this and told him the time of my doctor appointment and what time I would be home. He never responded. I went to sleep, woke up looked to see if he sent me a message online but I found nothing. I called his phone and again nothing. I sent sms messages and again nothing. He did not come online until 8:30 that night and when he did, he only asked me how the doctor's appointment was. He never asked me what happened. I told him the appointment was ok and that we got test results back. He never asked me any questions about it and I never told him. After that he quickly changed the subject to himself as he usually does. He is not concerned or anything for me. I told him that I have to travel to another city the next day to see a specialist and he replied with only be right back I'm going to the store before they close. When he came back, he started talking to his brother from Belgium on his parent's laptop and ignored me. I tried so many times to get his attention, he would look at me then turn back to his brother again. Finally, I wrote him another message telling him that it wasn't right what he was doing and he responded by saying that he would make it right and closed the laptop. When he came back on, he still never asked me about the doctor appointment or what the test results were. The first thing he asked me was how much money I was going to send to him. I asked him if money was really more important than knowing about my health and he got really angry and said be right back and left me sitting on Skype looking at a wall. He was gone for 40 minutes!!!! When he finally came back, he just said he was tired and was going to sleep!!! I asked him if he would stay with me on cam that night because I didn't want to be alone. If we could sleep together like we used to and he flat out said NO!!! Then he shut off Skype in my face and I didn't hear from him for the rest of the night. I left Skype and went to check my Facebook and I was getting notifications there about about him commenting on his friends pictures.

This is his behavior and his treatment towards me. I should be used to it by now but I am not. This happens almost every time we are connected with each other on Skype. I asked him if this is the way an Islamic marriage is and he said no. I asked him when I was in Tunisia with him for 3 months was that the halal way a Muslim husband treats his wife based on the teachings of Islam and he said no that it wasn't. I have been doing a lot of reading and searching as I mentioned earlier online about Muslim husbands and the treatment of their wives and I have forwarded the links to these different sites to him telling him that I think he would find this interesting and that I think he should read it but he just ignores them and doesn't look at them at all!!!! He is acting like he doesn't care about what ALLAH and the Prophet (pbuh) teaches us to do and the proper way of treating others. If this kind of treatment from a Husband to his wife is the Islamic way, I am afraid to convert. Based on what he has shown me about marriage, I am confused and scared now especially about applying for his visa to come here!!!!

Onto his mother... his mother. His mother is 47 years old. 2 years younger than my oldest sister. She has not only said those mean and hurtful things to me. But it is what she does as well. She tries to come between us. When we were living in their house and when we were living in the other city every time she needed something or wanted something or wasn't feeling well, instead of calling on her husband (my husband's father) to help her, or even one of the other 3 children she has, he called on my husband and expected him to come running to her aid. She does not respect his privacy and time with me at all. When I was there, she blamed me for everything. She said everything that was happening was my fault and not her precious son's. She told me that she knows her son better than anyone else including me. But the thing is, I keep her son's (my husband's) secrets. There is A LOT about her son that she does not know about. I have never talked badly to her or about her and my husband's family. But he has. He has spoken very ill of his mother and his family and I was the one protecting them by telling him to stop and for not telling his family what he was saying. He has used his mother to lie to me and others, he has even lied to her and his family about a lot of things too and I never said a word!!!! So she really doesn't know her son as well as I do and what he's capable of doing!!!

There are a lot of other things too that concern me about their mother and son relationship. Not only the fact that she calls on him for her every need and not her own husband or her other children. When I was there, she would cradle him and cuddle with him on the sofa and has even walked in on him while he was taking a shower and has even went so far as to go into our bed and sleep with him. It raised concerns for me because I have never seen this before especially between a mother and a son who is 28 years old and married!!!

When we were living there and he would go out alone, she never called him. But when him and I would go out together, she would call him constantly to ask him how he was doing. We would just leave the house and she would stand in the doorway and watch us leave and the minute she could not see us anymore she would call him. She even did this on the night of our marriage when we were on our way to the hotel to start our honeymoon. And every day on our honeymoon she was calling him not just once a day either, on an average at least 8 times a day then more times at night. These past three months were the same thing. We would get woken up from sleeping because she would be calling his phone. Sometimes in the really early morning hours like 4 in the morning she would call.

There were several times that I was ill. So when she would call my husband would tell her that he could not talk to her because I was ill and he was taking care of me and that he would call her back. When he didn't call her back after a few hours she would call him and tell him that she was sick and she needed him. He would tell me that, and I told him that she has 3 other sons at home and a husband to take care of her and get her what she needs. I also told him that I am his wife and I am ill and that if he left me to travel to go see her, I would be left all alone because he is the only person I have. When he would tell her that he could not go to her, she would become upset and start trying to make him feel guilty. There were even times when she would call and tell him she was sick and he would go to her but he would tell him not to bring me so he would leave me all alone. Then when he got there, as soon as she would see him, she suddenly and magically was fine!!! She has done this A LOT when I am there, and when I am not and we are via cam on Skype.

Today he went to our house that we rented in the other city and brought his mom. I paid for the house until the end of December but he told me that his mother insisted on going with him so they went. He came back online and told me that he completely moved out of the house!!! I was shocked!!! I asked why and he told me that his mother wants him back home and could not travel back alone so he went back with her and since he has no money he could not travel to go back to the house so he took his things and left. Which means I lost a total of $800 (Tunisian Currency) that is $550 Canadian dollars!!! I know that is the reason why she wanted to go with him because she knew she could talk him into coming back with her because he had no money and she would use the fact of not being able to travel alone. Once he came back and was on cam with me, she stayed right there by his side the whole time. Every time we tried to talk, she would start talking to him. When he moved places with the laptop, she followed and started talking to him again. She even went so far as to turn off our video call when I was waiting for him while he went out for a cigarette. He says that he sees what she is doing and he knows it's wrong and has even tried to speak to her about it but she just ends up crying and makes him feel guilty again. And once she sees he's feeling bad and guilty she stops and then runs to him and starts to cuddle him and hold him like he's a baby.

I explained to my husband that in any marriage, in any religion when it comes to a mother and a wife, there has to be a balance. Yes she gave birth to him and for that I will always be thankful to her. She gave birth to my husband and there is no way that I will ever come between that bond of mother and child, however, there is a time when a mother has to learn to let go and allow her son to be happy with his wife that he chose to marry. She gave us her blessing and now she's trying to take it back!!!! I don't understand why she is doing this!!!! Is this how a mother and son relationship is in Islam? Is this kind of relationship and hold she has on him normal in Islam? Is her treatment of me normal in Islam?

These things all worry me, especially if the time comes that he will get a visa and come to Canada to live. She has already told me that she will follow him if he does which I don't see is right especially when she has 3 other children and one of them is in a wheelchair and depends on her for everything, and the fact that she has a husband there as well!!! I am sorry that this is so long and so descriptive ... I just wanted to be sure that everything was clear and could be understood. I need some help with this and have my questions answered!!! I am desperate need of some advice!!! I would appreciate anyone's help on this!!! I just want to understand... I need to understand!!!

Thank you in advance!!! :)

asked 102 9atoussa's gravatar image
1

this question need to be read properly before answering please

(Nov 08 '13 at 05:16) Bibi Amina ♦ Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

Thank you for your question and for trusting in our ability to provide you with an answer. I for one have not much to advise you sister as I lack knowledge and experience in this matter. Perhaps the other users can help inshaAllah.

I pray for you sister and I ask you to turn to the One who can solve all your problems and pray to Him and seek His help. All I can say is that the problems you are facing is a great test for you from Allah (God) the Almighty.

"The most perfect of the believers" The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) once commented "is the best of you in character" "and the best of you" The Prophet added "are those among you who are best to their wives." (Tirmidhi)

The best of you - are those who are best to your wives? Wait what? To your wives?! Not the tribal chief? Not the most powerful clan? Whom were the Prophet addressing? The people who used to bury their daughters alive! The people who used to treat some women worse than cattle. Did the Prophet not know this? Ofcourse he did. But Islam had changed the hearts of these men so that they listened and obeyed to whatever the Prophet told them.

I pray that Allah changes the heart of your husband like that of the companions of the Prophet (peace be upon him)

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answered 40117 UmarAbdullah's gravatar image
edited Nov 08 '13 at 06:21

Asalaam o alaikum, 9atoussa, My heart goes out to you, my sister. I praise the length and time it took to explain all, and you have great courage. This problem of many sorts you have is overwhelming. Let me start by saying this, In Islam marriages are not like this. Your husband is an exceptional case and one of a non practicing muslim. So you are not going to see a real picture of a practicing family with all the good qualities of Muslims and behavior that comes with it. Islamic marriages are beautiful, and full of respect for each other, as equality and mutual understanding is supposed to be part of this union.

As for the mother of your husband, wow! She seems very over baring and i sense alot of jealousy, if not rivalry !! This is not normal behavior. I too married a Tunisian, and believe me, I can sort of understand you only to a certain degree. Maybe she fears losing her son to Canada, and never seeing him again. I think the treats of following him, is quite frankly absurd and empty promises.

The Tunisian culture is a family based culture, and to be honest, they are skeptical in general of outsiders, foreigners, especially when a family marries from outside there cast. Im not talking about racism, they are very proud of being Arab. As you may have witnessed, they have a very caring and understanding nature with words and communication of such passion, that makes them very charismatic.

Ok, now to all the problems of your husband and the treatment towards you. This is totally unacceptable from any culture. You met online, you give him money, and you visit him. My dear sister, please stop and think about all that you have done, and what little he has done for you. I can tell, straight off, this man, your husband does not really like you. He married you out of convenience. One of the new age tricks with online dating. Tunisians are notorious for this!!,,,,as are Nigerians. Some do it for money and visas, others just money.

I am sorry to say this, but your husbands behavior is not one of love for you. OK, he married you, but did you both think of the consequences of the realities of being in separate countries. And also the behavior online and things leading upto when you first met. I think you need to reevaluate your self and all that has happened.

Let me tell you about visas. If he is not working or has no money, there is no way he can have a visa. You will have to live with him for several years, rent or buy an apartment in joint deeds or tenency contracts, have joint bank accounts, and bills in joint names, and lots of pictures and info regarding living together, and knowing each other inside and out. He will have to of been working for at least six months, and heres the crunch, you have savings of £18,000. Tunisians have a hard time of it in getting visa to visit UK, and USA, same for Canada no doubt.

I dont know how you manged that three months with your husband in Tunisia. But can you honestly trust him, can you know that he will never hit you again.?? MY ONLY ADVICE TO YOU IS THIS, DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE MONEY, SIT TIGHT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. PLEASE.

The main thing for you is you want to convert, revert. Do this for yourself, and no other. If you have true beleif that this is the way for you, then revert. Study as you have been doing. Start with the basics. As for info on marriages,.....................................here you have a choice of sites.May Allah reward you and bless you greatly. Please if you have any other questions, or i have missed any points, please contact me.

http://www.al-islam.org/islamic-marriage-syed-athar-husain-sh-rizvi

http://www.fatwa.org.za/definition_islamic_marriages.htm

http://www.islamswomen.com/marriage/intro_to_marriage.php

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answered 3487 abyadgirl's gravatar image
edited Nov 08 '13 at 11:52

P.S Im not an advocate of divorce, but in certain circumstances, it is warrented, accepted, and Allah knows best.

(Nov 08 '13 at 11:34) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image

Asalaam o alaikum UmarAbdullah and abyadgirl I appreciate both of your honesty and advice.

This is for Abyadgirl,

I would like to thank you again for posting your answer to my question. It was very insightful and helpful to me. I have a few more questions and I would like to elaborate on some of the things I have written in my early question as well.

I understand that when it comes to Tunisians (as you know their culture because you married one), that they are skeptical and outsiders based on their pride of being Arab. Here is where I would like to elaborate a little. When I first met my husband in January 2010 until after our marriage in May 2012, I was accepted in their family. His mother and father accepted me with open arms and thought of me as a daughter that they waited (at the time) 28 years for. His 4 brothers never had a sister, and they considered me as such!

I was so happy as the relationship between my mother and I was strained, and with my losing my father in 2006 whom I was very close to and missed terribly, not to mention, I have no brothers but by being accepted I gained 4 of them! I was so happy to finally be a part of a loving caring family where I was accepted and wanted because I never felt that way with my own more so, after my father passed with my mom and 3 sisters. I was happy to have another father figure in my life to whom I thought I would be so close to! Don't get me wrong, I never abandoned my own family or neglected them, I still did everything possible to take care of them and I still am doing so!!!

His family did everything possible, talking to me via Skype on a daily basis, calling me on my phone almost everyday asking how I was doing and so on. After leaving their family home in Nov 2011 and returning back to Canada everything remained the same.

When we were married, it was a joyful experience. They did whatever they could possibly do to ensure that I was happy. After marriage everything started to change including things with my husband. His family stopped calling me, they started to lie to me about my husband's whereabouts and other things, they don't talk to me via Skype anymore, they don't call and when I do, they don't answer their phones. I am completely alienated from their family!!! Before, I was the one who helped pay their many bills so their water and electricity would not be shut off, I paid for their internet and their phone at home so I could speak to my husband online and they could speak to their son in Belgium. But soon after their son from Belgium came to Tunisia, and brought them gifts such as a fridge, a new moto, clothes, and gave them money to pay for all their bills I am nothing now and I still am!!!

His mother is the biggest problem within our marriage (as defined in my previous question). She treats him as if he is her baby. I have seen many questionable interactions between my husband and her while I was there and via Skype for examples: To walk into a room and see my husband laying on with his head on his mother's lap,cuddling each other and her stroking his hair... him going to lay down to take a nap and me walking into OUR bedroom to lay down with him after some time but seeing his mother there with him so I can't go in my own bed with my husband, also when we are on Skype, she follows him everywhere but stays out of view of the camera so I don't see her and when we are trying to have a conversation about serious things, she is constantly talking to him and asking him questions so my time with him is limited by her.

Also for her to tell him that she had "good dreams" about him coming to Canada but she takes our marriage certificate (that was my Translated English Version) and hiding it so I could not bring it back home with me and do his visa are very disturbing to me and these are things I just do not see as normal ... among the other things she has done (as indicated in my previous question).

My husband also changed so much after marriage. He started to become abusive (as mentioned earlier) but not just physically, verbally as well which affected me emotionally and mentally. I already suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks and I can assure you that he has known this and his treatment towards me is not helping. He has seen me have them when I was there for with him as well. It feels like he is being abusive because he knows how it will affect me in a negative way but when the tears start falling, and the attacks start coming, he uses that as an excuse and leaves me all alone, more on Skype then in person because when I would get them when I was with him, he seemed sincerely worried and afraid for me and would comfort me until they stopped.

Now he does not speak to me via Skype at all. To be honest from October 27th (the day I left after 3 months of being there) until now we have talked for a maximum of 3 hours. I know the first week I was back is because he was in Jail. The day after I left, someone tried to steal the moto I bought for him and he beat the boy who tried to steal it and broke his nose and gave him two black eyes. I did not find out he was in jail until 5 days later because his dad finally told me the truth. Before I was told the truth, every time I would call, his mom and dad would tell me that he was out at the coffee shop and would swear by saying WALLAH that he was there and Inchallah that when he came home at night I would talk to him Via Skype and his brothers were no help to me either, they would tell me WALLAH they didn't know where he was and that he wasn't home when I would ask them about him on Facebook. He was given conditions upon his release. He was ordered to pay the lawyer he obtained 400 dinars and the boy he hurt, 200 dinars for his pain and suffering in order for him to be free and not be put back in jail. I know it does not seem like much but after 3 months, money was tight for me. I managed to send him the amount he needed to pay 1/2 of the lawyer and to pay the boy he hurt for his pain and suffering. After that, I told him I would not be sending him anymore money and the money he owes the lawyer, he will have to get by finding a job or go back to jail because I had too many bills to pay for here and I needed to keep my money in order to pay them!!! He did not believe me until last night. He knew I received money on Tuesday but I never traveled to the nearest Western Union (which is 1 hour 30 minutes drive from my home) to send him anything like I have always done previously because...

He is now working for his father and when he comes home after work, he showers eats and goes out with friends until 10 at night. Sometimes he connects with me online, other times he does not. He has changed his phone number and refuses to give it to me because he says that he did not change it. However, I see him online via mobile on Facebook and in order to be online via mobile you need a phone number and mobile data. When I do see him online, I try to communicate with him via Facebook message but to no reply (but I get the message seen indicating that he viewed my message) and when I call, I get the operator message saying that his phone is off and I showed him this via cam last night on Skype.

Last night via Skype I told him to show me his phone and to turn it on and let me call to see if my call will go through. He said that his phone was dead and it would not turn on and he said he had not used his phone since I left Tunisia, which I knew was a total lie because I could see on Facebook that he was online via mobile 10 minutes before and even when he is online on his computer, it shows on Facebook that he is also online via mobile! I even took a picture of it and as I was sending it to him as proof, he turned off the cam, said goodnight and when I called him back, he declined it and turned off Skype so I could not message him or call him anymore. Also during our call, he was having a conversation with someone else.

I was going through a lot of emotional pain with problems here at home and I tried to speak to him about it, because I have no one else but him and well, with him being my husband, he should be there for me right? Well, his attention wasn't on me at all...his attention was on the other person he was speaking to and I have a very strong feeling it was another female because he is now writing to me in ways that he never did before such as words like: "I C U NOW" whereas before he would simply write "I see u now" and so on... He even told me that IF the children I was pregnant with (but who died) before giving birth would have survived, and they were here with me now, that they would keep us close and there would be no room for him to leave me without speaking to me for days and days at a time. I don't agree ... Children or no Children... he made a vow to me under the blessing of ALLAH and that vow should be the one thing to keep us together with mutual respect, love, kindness, and being there for each other in our times of need to emotionally support each other like I am there for him!!!

I have tried to help him change his ways. But he is so caught up in the "Tunisian Arabian Mentality" way of life and doing what is socially acceptable and what pleases others and not living his life in the Islamic Mentality by doing what is acceptable and pleases ALLAH.

I have given him many links to many online sites to which he can read on abuse and their effects, marriage in Islam, The roles and responsibilities of the husband and the wife in an Islamic Marriage and also the roles and responsibilities of the Muslim Mother of a Muslim Son after marriage and the relationship between her, his wife and interference in their marriage because he did say his mom is a bit over bearing and needs to let go a little and let him live his own life, but he still allows her to meddle, interfere, in our marital affairs which is not her place to be!

He only read 1 link I have sent him because I told him that if he did not read it, then I would not speak to him until he did. He thanked me and said that he appreciates it because even though he is Muslim, there is always something to learn about Islam and he will do his best to live his life the Islamic way. I told him that is all that can be done. No Muslim is perfect and we all make mistakes, but ALLAH is merciful to the ones who live their lives to please him to the best of their ability.

However, that quickly changed. After saying this to me, he began his verbal abuse with insults again until I was in tears and left without even saying goodbye, goodnight or anything.

He says he loves me but that I don't believe him. How can I believe someone loves me when their actions don't match their words!!! If he truly loved me then he would take a long look at his life and realize that it is not only his life anymore ... that it is OUR life and whatever he does and says not only affects him but it affects me too!!! I always give thought to him before I do or say anything...

I am sorry again for being so descriptive...

Is this the normal practice of a mother in son in Islam whether he is married or not?

What are your feelings based on what my husband is doing and the way he treats me knowing I suffer from medical conditions and my feelings on him doing these things to see me suffer...Am I just overreacting or does this sound like what he's doing?

Any advice on what more I can possibly do to help him ... to make him see that his treatment is wrong or have I done enough?

Here is an example of a post he posted on his Facebook yesterday which he said was right and true. Was I right in what I said?

تقول الحكمة الهندية : من أراد النجاح في هذا العالم ،

عليه أن يتغلّـب على أسس الفقر الستة ،

[ النوم - التراخي - الخوف - الغضب - الكسل - المماطلة ] !

My response:

This comment is for you but i hope that other people will read this and it may help them too! You are lost down a wrong path (my husband's name)... Please find your way back to ALLAH! So based on that...

It's not about what Indian Wisdom says!!! Its about what Islam says that is the truth!!!! You have your priorities ALL wrong!!! If you cared about and practiced what Islam says you would know the way to a successful life.

Life isn't all about success either. Life is so much MORE than than being successful because in order to be successful, You have to be honest, appreciate what you have because everything and everyone that is in your life are GIFTS from ALLAH that you have been blessed with and treat everything and everyone in a respectful, caring, kind and loving manner by following the teachings of ALLAH and his Prophet (pbuh).

Being successful is not a popularity contest by seeing what you can get. You told me that You have always got what you wanted before you met me, after you met me, and you will continue to get it after me if I ever leave you because you will do anything to get it. That kind of mentality is selfish and undeserving of any success.

Yes, YOU can do whatever you want to get what you want, but by lying, disrespecting,cheating and stealing is NOT going down the right path to success at all and we both know that you have done this many times.

You have to do things the Halal way and not the Haram way. None of us is perfect... we all make mistakes but that's what making mistakes are for... to LEARN from them and to NEVER repeat them again. You have lost so much already... sure you may think you are gaining something from everything you lose right now ... and you may even think that you didn't lose anything at all as you have said many times, " I have nothing to lose in this life" ... but it's not going to last forever (my husband's name)!!!

In order to have a successful happy life you have to be a good Muslim to the best of your ability and that is when you will be rewarded!!! Only ALLAH rewards good behavior by giving you what you NEED...NOT what you want!!!

You have to stop going through life without any fear of ALLAH and living with the mentality that if you do something Haram...you will be forgiven by doing something good. If you know what you are doing or what you are thinking to do is Haram ... just STOP doing it and don't do it in the first place! Don't do good things because you think you will be forgiven. Just do good things for the sake of doing something good starting with your family (that includes me) with no ulterior motives and excuses!!!

Once you have that mentality ... you will not only see your part in your own life come together but OUR part in your life come together also. When I became a part of your life, it went from your life alone to our life together!! You not only have to think about yourself ... you also have to think about me too!! Once you do this, you will live in happiness, prosperity and you will be proud of yourself for doing things the right way but most of all you will appreciate everything which will fill your life with light because you will make ALLAH proud!!!

The one good thing about your post is ... that it tells you that you have to STOP being lazy, procrastinating and living your life in anger. The one thing I don't agree with is that being fearful stops you from being successful. You must fear ... but you must fear only one ... and that is you must fear ALLAH!!! You have to stop giving your loyalty and your fidelity to those people who have never shown you theirs. You have to think about the most important people in your life who should come FIRST which ALLAH has brought into your life. First comes ALLAH then Your family and Your spouse after that, comes friends (that YOU chose to have).

You have to learn that friends/girlfriends come and go because YOU are the one who CHOSE them to be a part of your life. It has happened to you so often ... A LOT of your friends and girlfriends have left your life. When are you ever going to realize and learn that those are the wrong people to give all of your loyalty and fidelity to not to mention it is Haram to have girlfriends!!! Yeah, YOUR FRIENDS ONLY may be deserving of some of it ... but NOT all of it!!!

I gave you a lot to read here, but it is TRUTH and I hope it has opened your eyes and your heart to the true way of life!!! You have to change your "Arabian Mentality" and that kind of life to what is socially acceptable and pleasing to others!!!

You have to change your life to the Islamic Mentality and to live the kind of life that is acceptable and pleasing to ALLAH for he is the most merciful and most rewarding!!!!

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answered 102 9atoussa's gravatar image
edited Nov 21 '13 at 10:38

I think there is a lot of good advice in the other replies. I don't want to come off as a jerk because I feel you have already been through so much pain, but what's happening here is not right. First thing, he will never leave his mother and move to Canada. It will NEVER happen. It's not because of you, it's because of his relationship with his mom. You need to stop financially supporting him. You can do what you want with your money, but you are just feeding the monster, he needs to find work. Another thing, again I don't mean this to hurt you, I just think you need to hear it. You need to learn to pick your battles. It's a natural instinct to fight back, but I can tell you're not a fighter. If he is hitting you, don't continue it by hitting him back, or yelling at him. Only hit him back in self-defense. If he is hurting you, the priority is to get out of there, not instigate more trouble. Also, the phone thing... If you buy him a phone, it's his phone. I can tell that you are trying to control him through the things you pay for/buy him. It doesn't work, trust me. Also, when you stayed in the apartment for five days... Why didn't you go get food by yourself during the day? Or ask the building owner for help? There is no excuse here. I feel like you did it to prove a point to your husband. He is never going to come around and be the guy you want him to be! Accept him for exactly who he is, or do what you should have done years ago and divorce him. I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to love yourself first. Take control of your life, learn to pick your battles.

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answered 555 jasonmarlowe's gravatar image

Salaam Alaikum sister.

I pray for Allah to make your situation better.

Not all Muslims practice their deen (religion). Just because a person is Muslim by name, doesn't mean he will do everything to practice Islam. Not all Arabs practice the deen and some are even worse than non Muslims westerners in their actions.

A person is advised to marry those who are first and foremost strong in their deen. Someone who practices their deen ie outwardly having a beard, wearing the hijab etc and inwardly to pray the 5 salaat and staying away from sin.

It seems like your husband isn't really a practicing Muslim. By his actions towards you it seems, he's just using you for money and sees you as desperate and needy and doesn't seem to love you at all.

The wisdom of marrying a religious man is that, if he loves you he will treat you beautifully. And if he hates you he will not be harsh to you.

As for his mother it seems as if she is jealous in letting her son go. But if she doesn't do anything that is Haraam, then she isn't sinning. But telling him not to be with you for no reason is islamically wrong.

Lastly we should all remember that we are here to worship Allah only and do what you can do enter Jannah and avoid the hellfire.

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answered 152 Muslimmanyemeni's gravatar image
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Asked: Nov 08 '13 at 05:01

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Last updated: May 26 at 00:23



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