Dear brothers and sisters, I don't know is this forum is where I should ask for advice on my current situation or not but I feel that someone maybe able to help me.

I'm a 20 year old Muslim man. I wouldn't say I am a brilliant Muslim because I'm not 100% committed. I try to pray my namaaz and admit sometimes I am weak. I try to keep my imaan strong. I don't drink or smoke or do things that will harm my body.

My problem is my relationship with my partner/girlfriend. I have been with my partner for over 4 years now. I am a Muslim whereas she isn't. She hasn't had much experience of Islam so she doesn't know what it is about, she has an interest in Islam and wants to learn more but I can't teach her that because I myself want to learn more and don't have answers to some of her questions. But recently my parents have discovered I have a girlfriend and are not happy about it. For the past 4 years I have had to lie to my mum about my whereabouts when I am with my girlfriend, my mum had some sort of idea I had a girlfriend but I wouldn't openly tell her I was at her house or going to the cinema or a restaurant with her but about a year ago I felt that my mum deserves to know so I would tell my mum if I was with her or going somewhere with her, but with this my mum would shout at me, call me names, tell me I'm not a good Muslim and she's not good, my mum would tell me 'why are you with that thing?' Bearing in mind this is a girl that my mum or dad don't know. They haven't sat her down or spoken to her, they don't know what she's about or how she is, they just don't like her simply because they feel she's not Muslim so she's wrong.

So recently my dad found out about my relationship and he also along with my mum disagrees with it, I've tried everything. I've spoken to them about her good points, I've told them I love her and that she is a good girl. They judge her on relationships they've seen. They judge her on other people's love marriages that have gone wrong, I've tried to get them to meet her to speak to her and see how she is but they refuse to do that. They are simply against it.

It's got to a point where my parents have given me an ULTIMATUM, they've told me it's either your partner or us, if you choose your partner your dead for us and if you choose us you have to cut all links of with her. I feel this is wrong and I feel that an ultimatum should not be put on anyone and from my understanding and looking into Islam ultimatums are un-Islamic. My partner has never put an ultimatum on me but my parents already have, they look at this like they are doing this to protect me and look out for me but know that this will have a big impact on my life, because they are taking away my happiness. I've tried to talk to them about Islam and how even the prophet saw married a women that wasn't a Muslim but accepted Islam when she married him so why can't i do that, so they say that was different, because your partner doesn't have a religion so how is she going to be a Muslim and follow the prophet so I told them that if she doesn't have a religion it makes it easier for her to become a Muslim cause she doesn't have a religion, but I also told them I wouldn't want her to convert to Islam unless she wanted to, I'm against forcing people against their will and if she is to convert she will have to off her own accord and if she doesn't well then me and her will have to talk about it because she will have to understand that in order for our Islamic wedding to take place she will have to be a Muslim. I've asked my parents that if she becomes a Muslim can I marry her and they are still against it.

I understand that my mum and dad are looking out for me but they should also let me learn for myself, if they think she's not right for me then they should tell me but also tell me that it's my choice and that I should look into whether she is right for me rather than throw me where I shouldn't be.

They want me to forget her and leave her when she has been such an important aspect in my life, she has no one except for me, all she does is think about me and what's best for me, she always thinks about how the things she does will affect me. She isn't a Muslim but for a young girl living in a western country she is well mannered and has a good degree of self respect, she doesn't dress like other non Muslims, she covers her body and agrees that her body is only for her partner, she doesn't go out with friends or walk around, she only ever goes out with me and other than that she stays at home and before she does something she will consult me to let me know and to ask if I'm okay with it. She has changed her full life for me, but my parents want me to break up with her but not a simple break up, they want me to ring her and tell her that my parents have got me engaged to someone else and to forget about me and find someone else, they've tried to take my phone off me so that if she rings they can tell her to go away from me, my mum had already rang her once and told her that I don't want my son to be with you and that she's getting me married and she doesn't like her but now they want me to do it, they want me to rip the girls heart out, the girl that I love. I don't know what to do, I love my family but I also love her. I just want someone's advice with experience and knowledge of Islam to tell me what my Allah and prophet saw will be okay with because I know the status and respect Allah had given parents and I don't want to destroy my life here and my afterlife.

Please can someone with knowledge on Islam help me and tell me if what is happening is wrong or right and what I should do or think about doing.

Jazakallah, May Allah help me and give me the best solution inshallah.

asked 15112 kamkhan's gravatar image

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the following is a story of how one's life changed from a single incident. This person faced a similar problem to you. InshaAllah this story will be motivational for you

Once, while the Prophet (peace be upon him) was sitting in his blessed gathering, surrounded by his immaculate Companions, there came a young man into the mosque and began to look right and left as if he was looking for someone. His eyes fell on the Prophet (peace be upon him) so he walked towards him.

It was assumed that the young man would sit in the circle and listen to Allah’s remembrance. But he did not. The man simply looked at the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and the Companions around him, and said with all boldness,

“O Messenger of Allah! Allow me to…”

seek knowledge? No. This is not what he said. If only he had said that! Nor did he say, “Allow me to make Jihad”. If only he had said that.

Do you know what he said?

He said,

“O Messenger of Allah! Allow me to fornicate.”

How astonishing! He asked such a question so frankly! Allow me to fornicate! is this not sin about which Allah says(translation):

'The [unmarried] woman or [unmarried] man found guilty of sexual intercourse – flog each of them with a hundred stripes...'(Surah Noor)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) looked at the young man. Although, it was possible for him to admonish him by reciting Qur’anic verses that may move his heart, he chose to take a different route.

He said to him,

“Would you like anyone to fornicate with your mother?”

The young man shook as he thought of someone fornicating with his mother and said,

“No. I would never like that for my mother.”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) then said to him,

“Likewise, the people would not like it for their mothers either.”

He then asked him, “Would you like it for your sister?” --

The young man was shaken again as he thought of his chaste sister fornicating and instantly said,

“No. I would never like it for my sister.”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied,

“Similarly, the people would not like it for their sisters.”

He then asked him,

“Would you like it for your paternal aunt? Would you like it for your maternal aunt?”

The young man kept saying, “No… No…”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) then said to him,

“Then love for the people what you love for yourself, and dislike for the people what you dislike for yourself.”

The young man then realised he was wrong and said with all humility,

“O Messenger of Allah! Pray to Allah to cleanse my heart!”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) then called him, and the young man walked towards him and sat down in front of him.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) placed his hand on his chest and said,

“O Allah! Guide his heart, forgive his sins, and guard his chastity.”

The young man then left saying,

“By Allah, I went to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) while fornication was the most beloved action to me. But as I left his company, fornication was the most hateful action to me.”

answered 2805 UmarAbdullah's gravatar image
edited Nov 14 '13 at 09:04

Assalamu 'Alalikum Wa Rahmatullah brother, this narration has a good moral that everyone of us can easily understand. Precious. JAZAKALLAHU KHAYRAN

(Nov 14 '13 at 14:53) stronghold ♦ stronghold's gravatar image

Salam brother I has read your post and I belive you are doing the right things. I can only advice you to do the following things as Muslim and Allah will help with your difficulties:

  1. Do not have physical relationship with her
  2. Pray,recite the Quran , do Zikr, make dua and search in islamic site before you take any further step.
  3. listen to your parent as Allah has never allowed us to disobey/hurt them, do also advice them and talk to them for example you can tell them how prophet muhammad swa wife convened to islam and them how much she love him and what a good Muslim she was.
  4. A site for your girlfriend to visit this site will make her to gain islamic knowledge.

Before you take any step you should go out with your girlfriend without permission as they are going to no trust you because you doing things without their permission

Salam do the following things Allah will make your life fill with happiness.

  • List item
answered 60618 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

You also need to visit this site too.

answered 60618 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

Thank You very much for your reply sister, I really appreciate it, it shows that someone cares.

I do have a physical relationship with her, I have been with her for over 4 years so we do have a physical relationship. Also because of her not being muslim her parents are also okay with her having a partner so I do get to spend time in her house with her and her family.

I have started to read my salaam, I have started to look into everything, I'm just after finding out if my parents putting an ultimatum on me is wrong or not. I was also thinking of our beloved prophet (SWA) and his marriage, his first wife wasn't a muslim but she converted for our beloved prophet (SWA), I have tried to give that example but my parents are still standing strong.

I do feel that the trust is going, I feel that if my parents were okay with it I wouldn't need to lie and not tell them whereas now things have become worse because now when I go to see her I have to hide everything. I can't even speak to her or text her in front of them now.

I am trying to learn more, I am intending to go to a madrassa inshallah to speak to a imaam that will be able to give me some guidance as to what is going on.

Do you think I should hide what I am doing with her, because I am trying to quickly think about what is right because I don't want to cause any more problems.


answered 15112 kamkhan's gravatar image

Assalamu 'Alalikum Wa Rahmatullah. Brother, your parents are a 'wake up' call for you. You have gradually over the years drifted away from how Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has ordered us to conduct our lives. This is easy to do when we are living seemingly 'normal' and 'honorable' lives as Shaitan makes it seem this way to us.

And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says:

By Allah, We verily sent messengers unto the nations before thee, but the devil made their deeds fairseeming unto them. So he is their patron this day, and theirs will be a painful doom. (16:63)

Allah (SWT)'s order in the Quran is to stay away from Zina.

"And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse (zina) and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds, for those Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful." (al-Furqaan #25, ayat #68-70)"And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (Sura Al-Israa # 17 ayah # 32) Brother, many of us live in the western world, some are reverts, some are born of Mu slim parents but what keeps us on the straight path is our adherance to the Quran and our Prophet's sunnah. Knowledge of the two is imperative for nothing matters more than being able to live our lives according to how Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has instructed.

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that what we are doing is OK especially when we are in essence good people. But Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala tells us how to conduct our lives and covers all bases.

And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says:

Do not marry unbelievingwomen until they believe; a slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman even though she allure you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: a man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allure you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: that they receive admonition. (2:221)

Your parents are wanting good for you. Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala loves you and this is His way of focusing your attention to your situation so that you can be reflective and even now through this help that you are seeking via the forum, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has designed to help you to see things from the right perspective.

The best advice I can give you brother is to:

Stop being intimate with this girl and distance yourself whilst taking time to re-assess everything.

Re-build your relationship with your parents. Show them that you are reflecting and making an effort to follow Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala's way.

Ask the girl to take this time of being apart to acquire knowledge about Islam. Ask her to look deeply enough into it so as to be able to make a decision regarding accepting Islam.

You can tell your parents the truth of what is going on so that they are aware that just because you are not seeing this girl, you are taking time to work through the entire situation. Tell them that you need their support, not their anger.

Brother, with some TIME and your honest effort to re-connect with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, you will sort through your problem. First, sincerely repent for your past behaviour. Ask for Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala's forgiveness.

Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says:

If anyone does evil or wrongs his own soul but afterwards seeks Allah's forgiveness, he will findAllah Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (4:110)

Fulfill all your obligations to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala on a daily basis. Seek knowledge about your deen for trully, knowledge with its application is best way to happiness.

You may not think that there is much good in what is happening in your life at the moment but believe me, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala wishes you good. We will never understand the miracles of His intercession.

It is designed to bring you pure good. JAZAKALLAHU KHAYRAN 

answered 5205 stronghold's gravatar image

Assalamualaikum dear brother.

Alhamdulillah I thank Allah and I appreciate that you have come to a Islamic site with your problems. Thank you. May Allah help you with your problem! I will tell you the truth and I ask Allah to make your heart submissive to it.

In Allah's law a Muslim man cannot marry a non Muslim lady except for chaste Jewish or Christian women. it is haram totally and not acceptable under any circumstance.

Therefore I advise you dear brother to fear Allah and cut off relations with her, and find for yourself a righteous Muslim lady and marry her.

While this may sound difficult, i request you beloved brother to try with all your effort. Remember Bilal and the torture he endured for the sake of Allah. if he could do it, so can you inshaAllah and endure the pain of breaking up. do it for Allah and inshaAllah he will help you.

answered 2805 UmarAbdullah's gravatar image

Beloved brother, as you might know, fornication (sexual intercourse outside marriage) is prohibited and is sinful. Therefore repent to Allah the Most Forgiving Who loves to forgive His slaves. Repent to Allah and never return to it. Fear Allah's punishment and the hellfire where the skins will be replaced once they burn off so the servant feels the pain. Where Boiling water will be poured on the servant's head. Unindurable pain and regret and sighs... is any worldly pleasure worth this? No by Allah!

Change your life brother from now on and stop following you desire when it leads to sin. Change brother before its too late. Decide and intend to change from now as you reaad this.

Do not get up until you have intended to change.

This may not be easy by Allah however I pray Allah grants you strength.

I am very concerned for you and I intend to pray for you in my salah inshaAllah. You are my brother in Islam and Allah is testing you. The right thing is to leave your girlfriend and go against your desire and repent for what has passed . May Allah make you strong. Ameeen

answered 2805 UmarAbdullah's gravatar image

Dear brothers and sisters, thank you all so much for your replies. As I have started to read me namaaz and do my zikr and ask from Allah SWA to help me I am felling a little better about the situation. Each day I am learning more and more about how much wrong I have been committing and I do want that to change. But my dear respected brothers and sisters I would like to know if there is anything that can be done. Me and this girl have been together for over 4 years now, I can't just throw her to the curb when I am probably the most important aspect of her life.

I feel as though my parents are trying to help me but I also feel like I am not being given a fair trial. For example last night I went to a big madrasah about an hour away from home with the intention to speak to an imaan, or an alim, someone that would have a bit of knowledge on this sort of situation and could help me, but instead my mother made sure my uncle went with me and I didn't get to speak to anyone, I deserved that much, it's not like the imam or alim is going to give me the wrong advice but my mum ensured that her brother did not let me have a talk with anyone. I think this was extremely unfair, but when I confronted her about it she denied it to me and I believed her but then I saw the text messages to my uncle saying 'make sure he doesn't speak to anyone'

Also last night when I got home I was speaking to my sister about the whole situation and about my pain, cause I fell that talking helps but at home I am constantly judged, the people that should be there for me will react in a way that just upsets me. So I was speaking to my sister when my mum texted her 'Is he chatting shit again?' My sister didn't show me this, I saw this on my mums phone about an hour later when I needed it to use the torch and it just hurt me so bad. Cause I feel that my mum and dad want me to make the right decision but they're the ones that are pushing me away. My dads already told my mum to be strong cause he thinks by the end of this week he will kick me out of the house. I'm not scared of being kicked out, I can take care of myself I'm scared of loseing my parents but currently I'm being mistreated by them.

I would like to know

1) is it haram for not allowed in Islam for my parents so sit down with this girl just to speak to her and to understand her? 2) is it allowed in Islam to force someone to make a decision or to place an ultimatum on someone? 3) if she is to revert to Islam should I still be allowed to marry her?

These are the sort of questions I am hoping to find the answers for, currently my relationship is on hold, me and my girlfriend are not a couple we just talk and are after sorting out this situation, this has affected not only my university work but also hers.

My dad always tells me to look at other girls like you do to your own sister, and that how would I feel if that was my sister? But shouldn't my dad think as well that she is someone's daughter too and she is up all night crying her eyes out because the one person she loves more then anything is being taken away from her.

It's got to a point where she can't handle this anymore, she previously suffered from depression and had to be hospitalised before I knew her and now I think it's coming back, she has told me that if she can't have me then she won't be able to live, she has said that she loves me more than life itself.

I also think that as another human being she should be treated good, like I've told my dad about how she feels and my dad just laughs and tells me she won't do it, whereas I think different because she's had such a good life, but shouldn't my dad also think that if she did do that to herself his son will have to live with it for the rest of his life. If they can help someone by maybe just meeting them isn't that a good thing?

If she was in pain and wanted someone to speak to and my mum offered to help isn't that a good thing?

I just feel like my family are pushing me away slowly every minute of the day and it's ganna get worse and worse. I think if my mum didn't get involved me and my partner would have probably broke it off anyway cause we had different views on things. Whereas now I feel like it's someone else's decision and not mine and that's why it hurts so much. My mum and dad are treated me so unfairly by not letting me speak to a imam or alim or by forcing me to decide.

Can someone please tell me if there is something I can to maybe change their hearts? I pray to Allah in all my salaahs that he may change their hearts so they may consider it. I also think my mum and dad should give me time to see her bad flaws because as of now I am just looking out for things my dad has said about her and I am looking at whether she would be a good wife or mother.

1) shouldn't I have the time to decide whether it's good for me or not? Because that way if I decide I might have better closure.

Please will someone help me

Jazakallah, may all give me patience and may he change my parents and my partners hearts for the better. Inshallah

answered 15112 kamkhan's gravatar image

My brother the question you be asking yourself is how did you get in to this mess? Whats wrong with muslims these days always looking for trouble. They know their parents are different and will never accept these things but yet they still chase after things which destroy our relationships with our parents.

answered 23428 Faisal26's gravatar image

You need to make a choice. Through istikara. Its either this one person out of the trillion women in this world or ur parents. Open ur eyed my friend r u blind she is not the only women in the world.

answered 23428 Faisal26's gravatar image

I am planning on doing istikara so that Allah may guide me. I'm looking at everything in a different perspective now too.

But the thing is brother Faisal I have asked my parents before that can I marry off my own choice, if I have someone can I marry them and they've said as long as they are Muslim it's okay.

So it's not like they've said you can't and I've gone with it, I have had the thought in the back of my head that my parents might be okay with it.

Jazakallah for your reply

(Nov 15 '13 at 07:13) kamkhan kamkhan's gravatar image
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Asked: Nov 13 '13 at 12:49

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Last updated: Apr 08 at 11:39

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