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Dear brothers and sisters, I don't know is this forum is where I should ask for advice on my current situation or not but I feel that someone maybe able to help me.

I'm a 20 year old Muslim man. I wouldn't say I am a brilliant Muslim because I'm not 100% committed. I try to pray my namaaz and admit sometimes I am weak. I try to keep my imaan strong. I don't drink or smoke or do things that will harm my body.

My problem is my relationship with my partner/girlfriend. I have been with my partner for over 4 years now. I am a Muslim whereas she isn't. She hasn't had much experience of Islam so she doesn't know what it is about, she has an interest in Islam and wants to learn more but I can't teach her that because I myself want to learn more and don't have answers to some of her questions. But recently my parents have discovered I have a girlfriend and are not happy about it. For the past 4 years I have had to lie to my mum about my whereabouts when I am with my girlfriend, my mum had some sort of idea I had a girlfriend but I wouldn't openly tell her I was at her house or going to the cinema or a restaurant with her but about a year ago I felt that my mum deserves to know so I would tell my mum if I was with her or going somewhere with her, but with this my mum would shout at me, call me names, tell me I'm not a good Muslim and she's not good, my mum would tell me 'why are you with that thing?' Bearing in mind this is a girl that my mum or dad don't know. They haven't sat her down or spoken to her, they don't know what she's about or how she is, they just don't like her simply because they feel she's not Muslim so she's wrong.

So recently my dad found out about my relationship and he also along with my mum disagrees with it, I've tried everything. I've spoken to them about her good points, I've told them I love her and that she is a good girl. They judge her on relationships they've seen. They judge her on other people's love marriages that have gone wrong, I've tried to get them to meet her to speak to her and see how she is but they refuse to do that. They are simply against it.

It's got to a point where my parents have given me an ULTIMATUM, they've told me it's either your partner or us, if you choose your partner your dead for us and if you choose us you have to cut all links of with her. I feel this is wrong and I feel that an ultimatum should not be put on anyone and from my understanding and looking into Islam ultimatums are un-Islamic. My partner has never put an ultimatum on me but my parents already have, they look at this like they are doing this to protect me and look out for me but know that this will have a big impact on my life, because they are taking away my happiness. I've tried to talk to them about Islam and how even the prophet saw married a women that wasn't a Muslim but accepted Islam when she married him so why can't i do that, so they say that was different, because your partner doesn't have a religion so how is she going to be a Muslim and follow the prophet so I told them that if she doesn't have a religion it makes it easier for her to become a Muslim cause she doesn't have a religion, but I also told them I wouldn't want her to convert to Islam unless she wanted to, I'm against forcing people against their will and if she is to convert she will have to off her own accord and if she doesn't well then me and her will have to talk about it because she will have to understand that in order for our Islamic wedding to take place she will have to be a Muslim. I've asked my parents that if she becomes a Muslim can I marry her and they are still against it.

I understand that my mum and dad are looking out for me but they should also let me learn for myself, if they think she's not right for me then they should tell me but also tell me that it's my choice and that I should look into whether she is right for me rather than throw me where I shouldn't be.

They want me to forget her and leave her when she has been such an important aspect in my life, she has no one except for me, all she does is think about me and what's best for me, she always thinks about how the things she does will affect me. She isn't a Muslim but for a young girl living in a western country she is well mannered and has a good degree of self respect, she doesn't dress like other non Muslims, she covers her body and agrees that her body is only for her partner, she doesn't go out with friends or walk around, she only ever goes out with me and other than that she stays at home and before she does something she will consult me to let me know and to ask if I'm okay with it. She has changed her full life for me, but my parents want me to break up with her but not a simple break up, they want me to ring her and tell her that my parents have got me engaged to someone else and to forget about me and find someone else, they've tried to take my phone off me so that if she rings they can tell her to go away from me, my mum had already rang her once and told her that I don't want my son to be with you and that she's getting me married and she doesn't like her but now they want me to do it, they want me to rip the girls heart out, the girl that I love. I don't know what to do, I love my family but I also love her. I just want someone's advice with experience and knowledge of Islam to tell me what my Allah and prophet saw will be okay with because I know the status and respect Allah had given parents and I don't want to destroy my life here and my afterlife.

Please can someone with knowledge on Islam help me and tell me if what is happening is wrong or right and what I should do or think about doing.

Jazakallah, May Allah help me and give me the best solution inshallah.

asked 15112 kamkhan's gravatar image

« previous12

I am planning on doing istikara so that Allah may guide me. I'm looking at everything in a different perspective now too.

But the thing is brother Faisal I have asked my parents before that can I marry off my own choice, if I have someone can I marry them and they've said as long as they are Muslim it's okay.

So it's not like they've said you can't and I've gone with it, I have had the thought in the back of my head that my parents might be okay with it.

Jazakallah for your reply

answered 15112 kamkhan's gravatar image

Good luck my brother I prey Allah helps inshallah. Remember me in ur duaz

answered 1528 Faisal26's gravatar image

Salam brother,

Please read this link carefully too because it will help you to decide the right option


answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

Brother kankham did you read the site above I gives you. Salam

(Nov 16 '13 at 07:29) Bibi Amina ♦ Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

Assalamualaikum dear brother. What worries me is this statement which you have made:

"I think if my mum didn't get involved me and my partner would have probably broke it off anyway cause we had different views on things. Whereas now I feel like it's someone else's decision and not mine and that's why it hurts so much."

You need to reflect on this statement. You would have probably broke it off anyway because you had different views on things. Have you considered that without your parents' intervention, you could have spent the next Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala only knows how many years of your life in a marriage of discord and tension only to find out that it was all in vain and that your parents were right. What if you brought children into this marriage? Would you want them to be caught up in an unhappy household or be innocent casualties of a broken marriage?

Dear brother I know that sometimes we choose to learn things the hard way but believe me, it would be the HARD way. And you lose hasanat along the way. You lose in many ways. And you displease your parents. I agree with you that your parents should not call the girl names or say bad things (you are how you talk) and there is no dignity to behave in this manner.

I still think that if you were to win the girl over to revert (by her choice, from her heart), you might have a better chance of getting around the problem of resisting parents. This is not a sure thing as your parents seem to have lost all inclination to be amicable and to work ' with you' . You have many challenges ahead of you and Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is your best guide. Turn to Him day and night and seek His guidance. May Allah Subhanahu WaTa'ala lead you to the best solution.


answered 5236 stronghold's gravatar image

Asalaam o alaikum, Brother, thanks for your qury. It is a most difficult position to be in. Remember this, Allah brings those into Islam by various different paths. And Allah brings those not practicing Islam back through invariably different paths.You are challenged by your parents. Speak to them well and kindly, and with compassion. They can not make you take an ultimatum, though it seems to be one that would benefit you, only Allah knows this. By doing so it could also lead you more astray. Only Allah knows best.

Your girlfriend, you should speak to her as soon as possible about what she understands about Islam, and how close she is to it. She seems to be a virtuous girl to some degree. As I do not know all about her, I am not able to comment on her. A suggestion is to take her to good practicing Muslim women, and let your girlfriend find out things for herself.You could start by asking these questions to your girlfriend,......

.Who is your God.......Who is your prophet...........or do you beleive in God/ Allah,,,,,do you beleive in the prophets.................then do you beleive in the Holy Scriptures, The Quran and others,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,do you beleive in you beleive in the afterlife/ destiny................These are the principals that make a Muslim Then tell her about the duties, salat, zakat, Hajj,fasting,and the oneness of Allah. If she knows these things, then she is on the true path. Next would be for your girlfriend to take shahadah, then to arrange nikah.

In the meantime you may think about introducing your girlfriend to your family, and let them see that this girl is wonderful to you. Many parents are afraid of new Muslims, and for two reasons, they know nothing and are slow to learn, or it is they know most new muslims are very strong on the deen. Perhaps more stronger than a lot of born muslims.!!!! Think about the many scholars there are that are reverts. You need to be very wise in confronting your parents.

Just to state again, as a reminder, that this fornication is a sin, and you will need to repent. But if you can make efforts to bring this affair to a goodly conclusion first, then why not. You are deep in this. But if it fails and arguments are flying about, then you must redeem your self and break this affair up. As Faisal said, plenty of fish in the sea. But also this is a learning curve for you, and your girlfriend. So lets not lose sight of this aspect.

I wish you well brother, and inshaAllah you get many rewards and blessings if you succeed.

answered 3487 abyadgirl's gravatar image

Thank you very much for all your replies, I really appreciate it. I am trying everything I can brothers and sisters but the situation has reached a point where my mum and dad bith don't want to speak about it. As this whole situation has taken place I have basically been placed under 'House Arrest', I am not allowed out of the house without a valid reason, I am not allowed a mobile phone. Every time I step out I am constantly being watched and these sort of things are hard to adapt to when I have had so much freedom before.

I have said that me and my partner are having and still do have different views about certain things. But I think the most important aspect of our relationship is parents, she sometimes feel uneasy about the relationship because she feels that when the time for marriage comes my parents will get me married to someone they want and that upsets her. I think that if my parents were to tell me they are not happy with it and why they are not happy then I would start to look at my whole situation with her different, for example I would know that I have the support of my parents but I feel I don't.

And with this whole situation I am started to drift away from my parents because of the conditions and ultimatums and restrictions. For example last night, my Friday night would usually be spend with my partner, we would get together have something to eat, maybge watch a film and then i would go home, we would spend about 3 to 4 hours together but last night I didn't, she was hungry so she asked if I could come round and she would cook for me, I had to lie to my mum and go, even then I'm sure my mum didn't believe where I was going but I left and that too I left in anger, cause my mum was shouting at me and I told her how this is pushing me away and how its not helping the situation.

So when I left the house and nearly got to my partners house my mum texted me apologising, she said 'I'm sorry son if I've hurted your heart' this ripped me apart, to hear my mum apologising to me, but I also felt a bit of relief that maybe my mum is realising that being the way she is isn't helping the situation so I waited till I got home to see how she was.

I got home and everything seemed okay, it was like nothing happened so I asked my sisters about how my mum was when I left and they said she was fine so I showed them the message and they asked my mum and my mums reply was 'I said I'm sorry cause he left the house in anger and being upset that I didn't want him to do something to himself', this upset me too because I felt that she didn't say sorry to support me she only said it because she didn't want me to do something out of being upset or angry.

Everyday things are just getting worse for me, I just feel like soon I will have to leave my parents home because of all of this. But also what I fail to understand is that my parents need me like I need them, they call me the pillar of their home, for example all the household duties and running around I do. Any problem my father has I sort out, my dads had purchased properties and has no clue about how to look after them and I handle that, I do the cleaning the rent collecting and anything else, and I hand everything over to my dad, so I don't understand that why risk losing me when you need me like I need them.

I'm upset everyday now, I can't function or anything and the only person that is supporting me is my partner. I just feel like they are pushing me away and feel like the day is going to come but I'm trying to stop it cause all I want is their support.

Jazakallah for everyones reply and may Allah help me inshallah.

answered 15112 kamkhan's gravatar image


I am in a similar situation to you kamkhan. I was just wondering if/how you resolved your situation, and if you have any advice for me.

I hope for your reply

(Apr 08 at 11:39) idontknow idontknow's gravatar image

Brother did you read the site I have given you.

answered 63628 Bibi%20Amina's gravatar image

Yeh sister I have read the site, some very good information on there and its taught me a lot, it's making me understand more and more as I read about this stuff everyday.

answered 15112 kamkhan's gravatar image


I am in a similar situation to you kamkhan. I was just wondering if/how you resolved your situation, and if you have any advice for me.

I hope for your reply

answered 10 idontknow's gravatar image
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Asked: Nov 13 '13 at 12:49

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Last updated: Apr 08 at 11:39

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