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Assalamualikum. My husband and I are happily married for five years. We didn't have major issues with our marriage until this month. We were apart for 2 months coz of his new job. He went abroad last 2 months by himself for this new job and me and my daughter were left behind because of passport issues but we are now together since last 2 weeks. I recently learned few days after we came to his place that he had a "girlfriend" and engaged himself with some unlawful activities like drinking and hanging out with girls since we were apart until we arrived here. And not only that he had this girlfriend, he laso have this "female friends"... Which I found inappropriate but he claimed that they're just like "sisters" to him although his texts to them didn't sound like sisterly. I feel betrayed by him and lost my trust in him. He felt bad about it and admitted it was wrong, promised that he would fix this marriage and "stop" texting his female friends. But I don't think he's keeping his promse, he's not helping me cope up emotionally with this difficulties because he 's still getting in touch with them and deleted the texts after texting them so that i don't see them. I don't know what else he's hiding from me but I don't wanna know anymore. To me, he's just bunch of lies, he does not stand by his words. I don't know if divorce is best resort but it feels hard to continue live with him without trust. I hope you can give some advice. Salaams

asked 10 Farrah011's gravatar image

Salaam Alaiykum dear sister,

You ask:

Is it wrong to feel jealous....?

Jealousy is such a dangerous characteristic that Allah revealed verses of the Qur'an to be recited as a protection from the jealous.

Here is what Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala says about jealousy (hasad):

"Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of the dawn; .... from the evil of envious when he envies." Soorah al-Falaq 113: 1

There are many more verses in the Qur’an which deal with jealousy (16:71, 4:54 etc)

At-Tirmidhee narrated from al-Zubayr Ibn al-Awam that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"There has come to you the disease of the nations before you, jealousy and hatred. This is the 'shaver' (destroyer); I do not say that it shaves hair, but that it shaves (destroys) faith"

(Hasan) Jamee at-Tirmidhee (2434)

Sister, you have no reason to feel jealous of anyone, especially of those who do what Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala has forbidden us to do.

Your husband and the women involved are doing what they should not be doing and their actions are far removed from how they should be behaving. So, do not be jealous of their bad behaviour.

I think what you are really wanting to ask (and please correct me if I am wrong), is:

Is it wrong to feel hurt and betrayed by my husband’s behaviour?

My answer to this question is ‘No, it is not wrong for you to feel this way.’

All the wrong in this case, lies with your husband. Girlfriends, drinking, inappropriate texting,....these are not concepts and behaviours that Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala teaches or allows.

All of these are prohibited.

Cheating and deception are despicable characteristics that are beneath a decent person.

Islam prohibits all kinds of indecency:

“Do not come near to any shameful indecency, whether open or secret" (6:151)

It is difficult to tell you what to do as you must follow your own heart, thoughts, feelings and intuition. Best ask Allah subhana Wa ta'ala to guide you through duaa. Perform istakhira and ask openly for guidance, that is leave the matter in Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala’s hands. Let Him make the decision for you.

I can point out some things to consider:

It is always extremely difficult to put one’s trust in someone once this trust has been broken. Your husband will have to earn / regain your trust by correcting his behaviour. Regaining trust in him will take time and he will have to be patient.

Your husband needs to make tawbah (repentance) to Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala. It will have to be sincere. Then it's up to Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala to judge him.

Islam values forgiveness and mercy. If you have any part of you which tells you that you want to talk with your husband about his actions once again and truly believe that he may stop doing them, becoming a loving and kind husband, then forgiving him is the best thing for you and your family.

In the Qur'an, Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala says :

Hold to forgiveness, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant. 7: 199

In another verse Allah commands: "… They should rather pardon and overlook. Would you not love Allah to forgive you? Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful." 24:22

…. But if you pardon and exonerate and forgive, Allah is Ever-Forgiving, Most Merciful. 64: 14

It has also been revealed in the Qur'an that forgiveness is a superior moral trait:

"But if someone is steadfast and forgives, that is the most resolute course to follow." 42:43

For that reason, believers are forgiving, compassionate and tolerant people who, as revealed in the Qur'an, "control their rage and pardon other people." 3:134

It is up to you if you wish to forgive. Yes, it will be difficult for you but once again, ask Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala to help you.

With all that said, I am not suggesting that you should be a doormat to be stepped on. If you decide to give your husband a second chance, he must live up to it and make a mega effort. If he continues to cheat on you and carries on with his inappopriate behavior with women, then you need to consider what is best for you.

You do not want to become a victim to be taken advantage of endlessly as you and your little girl deserve a better life than that.

Jazakallahu khairan

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answered 5236 stronghold's gravatar image

Salaams, thanks so much for advice and suggestion. I really appreciate it. Yeah, i think that's what i was trying to ask "if it's wrong to feel hurt and betrayed by my husband's behavior". I never envied such bad behavior... i think i used "jealousy" coz that's what he was addressing as to how i feel which i never realized it wasn't. We're in the process of rebuilding our marriage. I spoke with him again and told him how i feel about everything and he said he'll do everything to fix this family.

(Nov 25 '13 at 01:52) Farrah011 Farrah011's gravatar image

Insha Allah we will be Ok and as long as he does not do stupid things again we won't have this kind of issues. He's a good man but at some point in life he became weak. I think he gets depressed and tend to do destructive behavior when he's by himself because he has this pain from the past before we got married. May Allah guide him and get him through with all his pain. I can only pray for the best for our family. And may Allah reward you more for helping people like us.

(Nov 25 '13 at 01:53) Farrah011 Farrah011's gravatar image

Salaam sister, Alhamdilollah that you are rebuilding together. He is blessed to have a wife who loves him and is kind and supportive. May Allah subhanahu Wa ta'ala help you and guide you both.Jazakallah

(Nov 25 '13 at 04:57) stronghold ♦ stronghold's gravatar image

aaw,

maybe you need to keep in contact with him more while he is away. Keep texting him and video-calling him, and have long conversations with him EVERY night. Tell him you miss him, and love him, and are always thinking about him. Make him feel like you are always there for him and he is the only one you want. if you do that, he wont go after other women.

wwb

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answered 1842 mufti%20saab's gravatar image

Thanks for concern... I kept in touch with him more often but I guess he somehow became weak and forgot about us and his islam. He was lonely and depressed eventhough we were in touch at least a day, but it was not a good resort to do what he did. i just hope and pray that everythng will get better for us.

(Nov 25 '13 at 01:52) Farrah011 Farrah011's gravatar image

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.”

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answered 5710 Anakata's gravatar image

Due to the fact that this is an Islamic web site , do you mind giving citations to back up your qiyyas. Salaam

(Nov 22 '13 at 22:52) sadie ♦ sadie's gravatar image
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Asked: Nov 22 '13 at 01:19

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Last updated: Nov 25 '13 at 04:57

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