Assalamualaikum. I was raped by a stranger who I met online when I was 18 years old. I thought he was a nice man but turn out to be a monster. I got pregnant and I told my parents about everything. I decided my to go for abortion as I don't want to kill an innocent baby and I gave it up for adoption as I was still young and I've been doing good in school. I've went to counseling and my parents supported me throughout. It was hard as at that point of year I was having my national exam too. Alhamdullilah, my results are good. The case has been settled and closed. From the day I leave the hospital, it's the day my life has totally changed. I've made tawbah too. I don't want to look back at it again. My parents told me that my future husband have the right to know about it but I don't know how to tell him. I'm scared that he will be disgusted of me. I need help. Thanks.

asked 15 samba90's gravatar image

samba, i'm no muslim, so take this with whatever grain of salt you weight a kufr's opinion. first i dn't know what "sin" you need to conceal or "repent" for. to the contrary, i think you have done a very noble thing carrying the baby to term. so i think your decision would be made for you by what abyadgirl has asked? are there visable signs of your pregnance, strechmarks or such? if so it would appear to be something you can't conceal and therefore best to be upfront about it. but if not, what he doesn't know can't hurt him. then again if he is the kind of man who would reject a woman

(Dec 11 '13 at 11:02) mikejm4 mikejm4's gravatar image

because of something that is not her fault, then is he really the kind of man you want to marry anyways? but of course much of that may depend on your personal and cultural situation.

anyway, i hope you the best.

(Dec 11 '13 at 11:04) mikejm4 mikejm4's gravatar image

Asalaam o alaikum, sister. It is best you tell your prospective husband, in the best light that you can. This is most important. I know this only to well, as an adopted child myself. In my adulthood, i made a search for my parents and siblings. This is something most adopted people do in their life time, to get answers or out of curiosity, or for me to find my true heritage and foundation.

Your husband to be , has a right to know, as he is then potentially a part of the childs life. As you are his wife, you both then , have responsibilities, joint, and conditional. Remember also, this child will need to know her true father, the one that you call a monster. This is important and imperative to the child. So do keep hold of his name at least, and if you know his whereabouts, keep a record of it.

Your self as a mother, will never forget this child, as at times in your life the remembrance will come back, triggered by events. Know this too. Every adopted child has a right to know their true parentage. As a Muslim, this is very important. At best now, as you have severed a tie with your child, is to keep remembrance and make dua, and keep some sort of arranged contact, how, ??? maybe letters, a constant record of your life, for your child to see and read. ??? This is something you should think about and ask the authorities about. I suggest you see an Imam, and see what advice they can give, to keep this tie between you and the child.

Ahamdulliah, you have taken on a great burden and may Allah grant you wisdom and blessings from this trial. Keep true to Islam, make great repentance, and keep ties with your family.

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answered 3387 abyadgirl's gravatar image
edited Dec 10 '13 at 03:52

According to my country's law, I cannot know who is the baby's adoptive parents and my counsellor who is in this adoption agency have told me that my child is in good hands and the adoptive parents have good career and a happy couple. She have a few abortions due to her illness. But I just don't know how to start with to tell my future husband. Thanks for the advice though, appreciate it a lot.

(Dec 10 '13 at 05:27) samba90 samba90's gravatar image

This is true, that the child will not know about their paternal parents, not untill they ask! The agencey that handles the adoption has a written record concerning all the details of the mother, adoption and the care of the child whilst placed in a home,orphanage. If you are in an European country, then the child has every right to ask for this document. Other countries i am not aware of how they deal with such things. But my guess is they too will have rights to see documents involving their life, adoption care etc.

(Dec 10 '13 at 07:11) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image

Regarding how to tell your husband, it is simple. Sit him down, and say you have something very important to tell him. Ask him not to judge you, for Allah is your judge, and that you have repented and seek ever repentance for this. Then explain to him exactly what happened. If your husband is strong in iman, he will over look this and have sympathy. Thus being of good character will be forgiving and just. Now if he goes mad and has lots to say and abhors this situation, then you will have to re think your intentions towards this man. It will be a test of your future partners integrity.

(Dec 10 '13 at 07:15) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image

Thanks for the advice. But I still feel scared though. I'm afraid he will just push me away. I just hope he could accept me for who I am today. I hope he will be like my parents where they supported me and accepted me for who I am today and let the past be the past. What's done is done.

(Dec 10 '13 at 08:10) samba90 samba90's gravatar image

Do not be scared, be brave, like i said it will be a test of integrity as regards your husband. If the relationship is meant to be then it will go fine. I understand the fear of such a statement of the past, but be courageous and truthful.

(Dec 10 '13 at 08:21) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image

Thank you for your support. I feel better now.May Allah bless you. :) Assalamualaikum.

(Dec 10 '13 at 08:32) samba90 samba90's gravatar image

Is it better for me to write him a letter about this and let him read in front of me or should I just say it out?

(Dec 10 '13 at 08:42) samba90 samba90's gravatar image

A letter would serve just as well. It it is a good idea. Do as you think best, and be truthful. May Allah grant you the words and the strength.

(Dec 10 '13 at 10:19) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image
showing 5 of 8 show all

aww,

your future husband does not need to know what happened to you or what you have done in the past. The prophet (Saw) has said, "All people are sinners, and the best of you is the one who repents." You made a mistake, and were attacked, so it really isnt your fault.

you should just ignore it, and not tell him. If you do, it may cause disgust to bear up in him, even though it is not your fault, and may lead to abuse later on. It is best for you to keep it hidden, and if it does need to come out, and you do need to tell him, you can tell him many years into your marriage, when your bond is so strong that nothing can break it

wwb

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answered 1792 mufti%20saab's gravatar image

Ahamdulliah, brother, this question worried me, and as for the Hadith, im aware of, but can also see from the childs point of view. I dont like that we should even go looking for trouble or to speculate what could be. But experience prevails me in this situation. Just image this, the child grows up and looks at its parents, they look and act differently !! I was certainly a black sheep in my family growing up and it was abundantly clear i was not of my adoptive parents stock! Your advice on telling the husband in the future is a good response.

(Dec 11 '13 at 05:04) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image

Dear sister , Peace be upon you , You should not tell any such things to your prospective husband and so you dont need to. Many a times husband may accept you out of generosity and mercy but when he will be angry or frustrated with you [ As it happens in all married life , that sometimes husband and wife has argumentation] it may be that he may taunt you based on your past. It may be that he may tell these things to his family members and it may spread out and cause trouble to you. Infact islamically you are not supposed to tell your unfortunate past to your husband... Prophet peace be upon him has said in one of the hadeeth that Do not open out something which Allah has hidden for you.. If it is the wish of Allah that your past is kept hidden from your better half , then let it remain as it is. You met the person online and then you met him at secluded place and allowed the person to exploit you , all these are sin. And Prophet (peace be upon him) has said that we should not open up i.e. talk about our sin.... So if you have sincerely repented Allah and came back on right path , then be hopeful of Allah's mercy as Allah is oft forgiving oft merciful. So , Islam says that your are not suppose to talk about your past sin except to Allah (in the form of repentance) so this is the advice you should take. DONT TELL ABOUT YOUR PAST TO YOUR PROSPECTIVE HUSBAND......................... Finally , I am a man and I believe (god forbid) that If I get a wife with such past then I prefer her not to tell me about her past and live in present in a respectful and Islamic manner. There is no point in head scratching in the past and what is important is the future..... If you further have any query then you may reply me.... May Allah do good for you and all muslims across the globe.Ameen Allah Knows the best........

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answered 804 Ahmadomar's gravatar image

Asalaam o alaikum, brother ahmadomar, this is true too, as you say, but their is a child involved. This child will in all likely hood trace its parents in the future. Also the child, inshaAllah it is with muslims, will need to take its fathers surname. This is so as we are all addressed on judgement day as said child bin/bint fathers surname. I see from other answers , you are knowledgeable, what is the view on this aspect.

(Dec 10 '13 at 14:59) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image

Walekum as salaam , firstly I am not knowledgeable but just the student of deen. Secondly , in case of adultery child wont be attributed to the real father but to the mothers husband. The child will be attributed to the husband and the adulterer will receive the stone.� (Sahih Muslim, no: 1458)

It means the paternity right will always be for the mothers husband[and not the biological father or adulterer).If mother is unmarried then child will be attributed to her. And "adulterer will receive the stone" means deprivation from the right of paternity and punishment.

(Dec 10 '13 at 15:45) Ahmadomar Ahmadomar's gravatar image

I dont know why child will inquire about the parents when he/she will be happy with his/her adopted ones. Also , the country in which the sister lives has mention that child adoptive parents names are not disclosed. And if at all this happens , this makes a tricky situation. The possibility of what may happen in the future does not means you risk your present badly. I am a man and I know man's mindset. Lets hide what Allah has hidden and pray to Allah for the better. This is my advice. Allah knows best

(Dec 10 '13 at 15:50) Ahmadomar Ahmadomar's gravatar image

Thanks you for the advice brother. Ya I know about that Hadith. But what if he find out cause in my country, the hospitals will put in the information in the letter on how many times I've given birth. That worries me.

(Dec 10 '13 at 20:16) samba90 samba90's gravatar image

@samba90, are there visable signs that you have had a child? Please it is up to you whows advice you take and what you feel in your heart as to what is best to do. If you can physiologically handle this situation, and have no physical signs, then do as the Hadith suggests. Make istikarah and ask Allah to advice you on this please.

(Dec 11 '13 at 05:07) abyadgirl abyadgirl's gravatar image

Yes I'm going to do istikarah. But thank to my brothers and sister who commented and give advices on this. Appreciate it :)

(Dec 11 '13 at 06:15) samba90 samba90's gravatar image

You may do istikhara and I must tell you that not always Istikhara results are true , sometime It comes from Shaytaan also.. There are many things in istikhara but yes offcourse it is sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him) so you can try... I dont know why you are so keen to disclose it when Islam does not want you to disclose the sin of past to others... But it is upon you , if you want to risk your relationship then you may go ahead or simply put trust in Allah and hope everything will be fine. Thats the only advice I can give and you are free to do what you want. I'm done on that. Peace.

(Dec 11 '13 at 10:50) Ahmadomar Ahmadomar's gravatar image

Think of this hadeeth and leave all to Allah. Abu Hurayrah (radiallahu anhu)narrates from Prophet(sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) that “All of my ummah will be excused,except for the those who make their sins known.Verily it is a kind of mujaaharah [exposing one's sin)that a man commits sin at night,then in the morning,when Allah has screened his sin for him,he says‘Hey So and-So!I did such-and such last night’And the night passed with His Lord screening him,and he wakes up casting aside the screen of Allah from himself.” Muslim reported it with a similar wording-Book of az- Zuhd war-Raqaa’iq.

(Dec 11 '13 at 12:08) Ahmadomar Ahmadomar's gravatar image
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Asked: Dec 10 '13 at 00:37

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Last updated: Dec 11 '13 at 12:08


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