Salam. I am troubled by some thoughts. Sometimes i think of my existence and i find something very painful. I think this question might be even kufr, but i need to get this thing straight, as many times these kinds of thoughts even enraged me to the point that i insulted Allah(nau'uthubillah). I feel very sorry for being like this and insulting my creator, i even became suicidal. I know you might hate me for these acts. I repented many times, i feel very sorry. I never had anyone to ask the questions inside my mind that triggers the act of insulting the creator, so i am here, need someone to help me. Even now, these questions pop inside my brain and upon the apperance of these questions my mind tries to insult Allah, it urgues me to verbally insult him. Most of the times it succeeds, but it happens inside my head, not verbally. The urgue is so strong that sometimes i have to close my mouth shut with my hands to prevent the henious act. Sometimes i become angry to the point i sweat profusely and my chest hurts like its burning from inside. I have no idea why this happens. I hate myself for being this way. I know that you may say that it is just some doubts from satan but i tell you its not. It happens so frequently and consciously that i can't blame anyone but myself for these thoughts. You might advice me to recite ta'auth but i tried that many times, it just doesn't stop. I recite ayatul kursi, sura ikhlas, sura falaq, sura naas many times but these thoughts just keep coming and coming. So i thought maybe if someone can answer these questions for me then my head will be safe from these thoughts. Plz answer the following questions- 1. Why Allah created me knowing that i have a high chance of burning in hell for eternity? Does he not care that if i am thrown into hell? 2. Why does a being so imperfect like me have to exist amidst this huge amount of perfections? Why Allah created me like this? 3. How will i tolerate such fire in hell that will be 70 times hotter than normal fire? I accept the fact that its the recompense for dying as a kafir of mushriq but still how will stay in that much pain? It just horrifies me even when i think of it. What am i gonna do? 4. Was there even any necessity for my existence? I just wanna disappear. If i die who knows what will happen. By my calculations most likely i will end up in hell for my sins. Can i ask Allah to banish me from existence or something? I don't think i can tolerate even one second of punishment in hellfire. I am so scared. I accept the fact that i have to be responsible for my sins, and yes, i have sinned much more that most people but still, how will i stay in hell with such pain? I am terrified with these thoughts. 5. Why is no being here to help me? Why do i have go through this life completely alone? Why do i have face so much pain, such as burning in fire, drowing in water etc. How am i suppossed to tolerate such pain? 6. I have heard that babies that die before adulthood go straight to paradise. Then why did Allah or my parents let me live until adulthood? To ensure that i go to hell? If i could die before becoming adult then i wouldn't have to worry about sins and hell so much. Why me? So many babies die after being born. I am so jealous of them! Why couldn't i be one of them? Plz answer these questions they just keep appearing inside my brain no matter how many times i try to shove them away. You might say that i am talking non-sense, but i say that i am not, at least not from my point of view. To me these questions seem infuriatingly annoying, but i still want answers. You may not consider me muslim because i speak this way but i am a muslim, atleast i believe in islam and try to pray 5 salahs, read the Quran and fast in ramadan. I am so sorry for posting this kind of question, but i need to get things straight and clear my head with the answers. And plz dont answer with Qura'nic verses like 'fa'aalulli ma yurid(Allah does whatever pleases him)' i need logical explanations not quotes from Quran and hadith i already read plenty from these but it didnt solve my problem. So plz answer with logic. And sorry for the question being so long i had to elaborate my situation to give you a better understanding so that you might be able to answer more correctly. May Allah reaward you jazakAllah.
AssalamuAlaikum dear brother, I feel your pain.
Let me assure you that what you are facing is from the shaitan. You must not pay attention to it continue to hate it, and you should ignore it.
The description you have given us is a common trick of the shaitan. I will tell you it will increase unless you do something. You see, shaitans power is just that, to whisper. If he sees this causes pain to you, he will increase in this trick. If you pay attention to it, this will encourage Shaitan more and more, until perhaps you become insane.
So if these thoughts come up, dont pay attention to them. If you do pay attention to them, then dont worry about it and simply try again and dont pay attention to them and continue to hate it. If you continue to ignore them, they will go away inshaAllah. If you dont, they will increase.
Know that Allah knows every evil thought that comes to you.
Read these posts as she faces similar problems to you:
Dear brother, I would like to quote here a few verses of the Quran, where Allah, may He be Exalted says: [interpretation of the meaning:]
And from wherever you go out [for prayer], turn your face toward al-Masjid al-Haram. And wherever you [believers] may be, turn your faces toward it in order that the people will not have any argument against you, except for those of them who commit wrong; so fear them not but fear Me. And [it is] so I may complete My favor upon you and that you may be guided.
Just as We have sent among you a messenger from yourselves reciting to you Our verses and purifying you and teaching you the Book and wisdom and teaching you that which you did not know.
So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny Me.
O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).
And say not of those who are killed in the Way of Allah, "They are dead." Nay, they are living, but you perceive (it) not.
And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).
Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return."
They are those on whom are the Salawat (i.e. blessings, etc.) (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones.
Dear brother, do not give up hope and do not despair of the Mercy of your Lord, the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful and do not forge that He is the acceptor of our supplications and that He will reward the good doers in the Hereafter with Paradise. Remember that your Lord is the Most Just and that this life is but a test that will soon be over. and reflect on His blessings. If you try to count them, and you can never fully count and innumerate them, you will always find them to be greater than your dificulties.
Remember brother that Satan invites you to the hellfire and Allah invites you to His Mercy and Forgiveness.
May Allah make it easy for you.. Ameen.
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Asalaam o alaikum ,brother, I understand where you are coming from. In the past i had wondered why i am here and what my purpose was, and why i endured such a life as it is from the past to present day. But i feel my thoughts were just that, wonderings, a mind of inquisitive thoughts and seeking answers. But, i never felt suicidal or had bad thoughts, just wanted to know more about the world we live in and understand how it works.
With you i feel, you do have the satan wispering in you, and making you feel depressed, and angry. I think you are doing what you can to rid this, but keep persevering, and have patience. It takes a certain type of characteristics in a person to become susceptible to the wisperings, not just sins. I am a strong persevering type, that never lets things get me down, not matter how tough my life gets. So it is a matter of becoming strong willed, and fighting temptations, and strengthening your will and thoughts in another direction. You are also an inquisitive person. Maybe go and talk to a Mulana, and ask as many questions, like the ones you have asked here.
Q1, Its about choices. Make the right ones, be the best Muslim, and make decisions based on asking Allah for help and guidance.
Q2, its about Allah being the only Perfect being, and for us to simulate perfection. As Allah wishes us to attain as many of the good attributes as possible.
Q3, The fear of Hell and pain, is a warning to us to fear Allah, and do good, and to live a righteous life.You may not be destined to Hell, it is all a trial, and Allah can edit your book of life to include you in Paradise.
Q4, Your existence is for a purpose, to worship Allah, and of course you are purposeful in life to all whom you meet. Take every encounter as a reason for it.
Q5, To be alone, is rare, unless you are a hermit. Allah is always with you. And if you have no family or friends, then never fear, help is at reach via prayer, duas. Allah is ever watching you , your angels are recording you.
Q6 Take your life by the scruff of the neck and find perfection in Allah, and pray to die like the babies of purity and innocence. It was just not meant to be your time, your time has more purpose and meaning, so use it to its best advantage. You are hear also to affect other peoples lives, not just your own.
Basically, do not ever give up. Life is a preparation for death, so every second counts, and use life wisely. Allah does not want to see you in Hell, more over he is testing your faith and endurance. Patience and perseverance are key factors to survival. Inshallah your life will improve. Hard times come to us all, and you are certainly not alone.
Have you ever visited any psychiatrist? I think you are suffering from depression or something like that. When there is a chemical imbalance in your brain , you become unable to control your thought. Everything in this world will create a negative image in your brain. I am telling you this because I have suffered from depression and I know how it feels. No advice can help you until you get treatment and take medicine. Only religious explanation can't solve this problem. May be your past experience has made you believe that you will get only negative things in future in this life and hereafter. And this is a common trap that depression creates for a person. If you overcome this problem, everything will become beautiful in your eyes. You will expect good things for yourself.You have tried many things so why not this? Take a counseling and don't be ashamed to share your feelings. I think it will help you. May Allah bless you.