My husband and I have been married 4 and a half years ans we have 2 beautiful boys mashallah.

It was an arranged marriage but we did get to nw one another prior to Nikkah. When we were maried I was his world he was honest and so romantic and affectionate. After a few months he stopped showing interest in the bedroom depart,ent and always wanted me to play with him but didn't want nothing more. After the birth of my 1st son (2 and 1/2 years ago) my husband hasn't come near me and even if I have tried....apart from once when I fell pregnant with my 2nd son. It has nw been 18 months since my husband has self willingly come to me.. He has a busy job we have recently bought our own house and he feels he is under pressure to provide although we are able to pay bill mortgage comfortably. He has been on anti depressants for 5 years and It has come to a point where I think I don't nw who he is. He is not the same person it feels like every time I want a hug or kiss he makes it out likes he doing me a favour or outright refuses with a number of excuse- it feels as though I'm asking him to do chores around the house d way he acts. I am a good wife and mother , however this is starting to concern me but every time I speak to him he says I'm being silly and over exaggerating things. I am good looking and often get other girls and aunties telling him how lucky he is..but he just laughs it of.

We nw sleep in different rooms as he 'needs sleep' when the kids get up at night. I am a teacher and am able to work to take of the stress however he wants me to stay at home and raise the kids. I feel alone and have no one to talk to. The frustration has caused a few outbursts and our once open relationship feels like everything's a secret. He's not open and he has started to lie about small silly things...I don't nw what to do I loved him for who he was and I stil tel him everyday that I love him..but do I? He's not the same so how can I love him. I want his affection not sex..

He sais v shud spend more time yet. He can't spare any he meets his friends in the vending or stays at home and watching tv series ore recorded till earli morning. I want my marriage to work.... My family love him as he's always the bubble jolly man he is in front of people but alone I feel he's lost..I've been patient but nw I've come to the point where I don't care??? Accepted that this is how it wil b from nw on.. The days where he wouldn't let go of my hand to where he walks in front of me on the street...I jus don't understand how I should go from here..how do I make this work? When I stay at my mums he texts and calls says he misses me and our boys and that he wants us ..but when I'm der he pushes me away...I've started to let myself go I don't make d effort to get ready nicely most days cos what's the point? It has got to me nw and I want him to want me again but how?

asked 152 muslimgirl26's gravatar image

Dear sister, the fact is...you cannot try to make this work on your own. Marriage is a commitment of two people and no less. Your husband needs a wake-up call. He will lose you if he does not pull up his socks and start working on his marriage. Together, you can pull through; single handedly, very little can be achieved.

Your husband has it good with you and he is taking his whole marriage for granted. This does not mean that he does not love you only that he has fallen into an unhealthy life pattern. I note that he has been on anti-depressants even before the marriage took place. Do you understand your husband’s medical condition? I can tell you now that anti-depressants will affect libido thus, your husband’s lack of interest in the bed department is of no surprise. He does seem severely affected and one thing you can both look into is altering the medication as there are many types and the right medication should be investigated.

Dear sister, the arrival of small feet in the house always heralds a change in the marriage and how a couple cope with these changes provides a key to how well they manage their marriage afterwards. You can never have the same lifestyle back, there are changes that cannot be denied and this is a normal part of the marriage journey. With the arrival of the children there are new demands placed upon both parents, not just one, but BOTH. Your husband and yourself need to let go of what was and focus on what is.

Generally speaking, couples make a big mistake when sleeping in separate beds. It does nothing for the marriage. Most couples that I have known who have done this are either in strained relationships or almost on the brink of divorce. Both parents should feel the weight of being a parent and this includes the nightly wake up calls to attend to the littlies’ needs.

Dear sister, you say that you work as a teacher and I know teaching life very well myself. It is demanding and will rob you of your time for your own family. Whilst it is a noble cause, it is nobler to attend to your own family needs first. Be there for your children and your husband. They deserve your love and attention and you deserve theirs. One parent has to be willing to sacrifice career for the children, even if it means sharing this sacrifice in turns. Teaching can wait; it will always be there. Cherish the time with your children and provide them with rich experiences and a secure, loving home. You will reap the benefits later on and so will they.

In respect to your husband sister, I would make a time and sit with him and talk, talk, talk. Have weekly meetings where you are not interrupted by anything or anyone and explain to your husband how you feel, let it be sharing and reflection time. Re-write the letter you posted on this site but direct it to him. Then read it to him. Begin with, Dear.... then tell him how much you love him and how much you want this to work, otherwise you would not be reaching out to him (or to the world) to help you. Sister, you do care otherwise you would not be seeking out help. I understand your loneliness; it is not a happy situation you are in. When speaking about all these matters of concern with your husband raise one issue at a time. You have mentioned a number of things in your post, so address each one systematically. (Use your teacher training, lol).

Now I have not mentioned the part that our Lord Allah Subhana wa ta’ala has in this matter. I have done this intentionally just so that you can see that no matter what advice one gives it is NEVER complete without referring all matters to Him.

Sister, do you and your husband pray? Do you hold steadfastly to the teachings of our deen? Do you remember Allah Subhana wa ta’ala as your Best Guide?

Turn to Him sister and seek His guidance for no one can guide like He can. Be absolutely and completely convinced of this. Pray and perform duas and be steadfast in this. I cannot stress to you how much of a difference this will make to you, your marriage and your family. In case that your husband does not pray, encourage him to do so. If his marriage is important to him, let him seek help from Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. If the two of you are asking earnestly for the same good thing it will be more effective than if only one of you do so. Then also be patient. Sometimes we need to ask and ask and wait. Always remember Allah Subhana wa ta’ala throughout the day. Here is a hadith that will make you feel Allah Subhana wa ta’ala’s love for us all:

"Allah says, 'I am as my servant expects Me to be, and I am with him when he remembers me. If he thinks of Me, I think of him. If he mentions Me in company, I mention him in an even better company. When he comes closer to Me by a handspan, I come closer to him an arm's length. If he draws closer to Me by an arm's length, I draw closer by a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him. If my servant comes to Me walking, I go to him running." (Al-Bukhari)

For every step you make, Allah Subhana wa ta’ala will take many more towards you and help you get there.

IN a verse of the Quran that I love very much, Allah Subhana wa ta’ala, the Most Gracious and Loving, says:

Remember Me and I shall remember you. Be grateful unto Me and deny Me not. [al-Baqara 2:152.]

Sister, I advise that you and your husband keep remembering Allah Subhana wa ta’ala and keep working on your marriage for the sake of your two little boys and for the Love of Allah Subhana wa ta’ala who loves marriages to thrive and be strong. May He guide you both every step of the way and strengthen your bond in marriage. Ameen.

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answered 5205 stronghold's gravatar image
edited Dec 21 '13 at 05:10
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Asked: Dec 20 '13 at 19:41

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Last updated: Dec 21 '13 at 05:10


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