I was a good Muslim until I went to university where there were a lot of atheists who got to me and made me question my religion and question everything I have learned about islam! my parents warned me that I should stay away from them but I wanted to learn from myself I did a terrible thing that I can't forgive myself I have prayed and asked god to forgive me but the guy is a bad person and I fear he won't keep what happened to himself I fear he will go public because I have already let my parents down in many things I don't wanna devastate them again! lately the only way I see out of this is suicide this way I will just save them the shame I would cause them! what should I do?! and how will Allah forgive me I have been praying and saying dua' and istighfar but I don't know my soul feels broken and I can't forgive myself..
I can completely understand where you are coming from. It seems you feel that you have no alternatives. Although from the first look you dont, but you do. Whatever it is that you did, Allah swt is most forgiving. Seek out his forgviness. Second is to forgive yourself. You sound young and that typically is when we learn not only about ourselves but also how the world works. We are prone to make bad choices. But its never the problem, its how you deal with it. The fact that you recognize that what you did is wrong is positive step :). You may not be able to change what has happened but you can now be better prepaired to know what Allah has made halal and haram...and seek out others who have experienced that who can guide you. As far as your family and environment..if you know someone who might understand who wont judge you..seek them out to help you cope with this...suicide is not the answer but depression is a very real and difficult situation. Your on the roght track...ask for forgviness..:) its a start..
If you need forgiveness (well, most people do! if not to say all - only stupid (proud) people think they can save themselves and be justified in the eyes of God by doing good) the Christians have a solution :) Sorry for mentioning that here, but suicide is so much of no option!
Prophet Muhammd sallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam.says:
**"The patients will enter the paradise without reckoning."
" If Allah loves a certain servant, he will afflict him." Indeed affliction is a remittance of sins".**
The Muslim knows well the least pain he faces is atoning for his sins. Suhaib bin Sinan (May Allah be pleased with him) said that prophet Muhammad (Allah's blessing and peace be upon him) said: « How wonderful! for the action of the believer, cause of that if he gets joy, he thanks Allah, and if he gets sorrow he takes patience, and in both is blessing for him ». Narrated by Muslim
The Muslims knows well that patience is one of the methods that brings him nigh to his Lord.
The Holy Quran tells us that all the prophets were afflicted with pains and calamities, there is condolence for every believer.
We must accept all trials happily since these are from Allah. He knows well that such trials are tests that every human will certainly undergo.
A believer knows well that if he is afflicted with something, then he must pray to Allah and await with patience in answering of our prayer.
Quran Surah 1. v 150-157
And from wherever you go out [for prayer], turn your face toward al-Masjid al-Haram. And wherever you [believers] may be, turn your faces toward it in order that the people will not have any argument against you, except for those of them who commit wrong; so fear them not but fear Me. And [it is] so I may complete My favor upon you and that you may be guided.
Just as We have sent among you a messenger from yourselves reciting to you Our verses and purifying you and teaching you the Book and wisdom and teaching you that which you did not know.
So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny Me.
O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).
And say not of those who are killed in the Way of Allah, "They are dead." Nay, they are living, but you perceive (it) not.
And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).
Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return."
Do not let satan beckon you to the Hellfire for Eternity, but learn, have patience, perseverance, and faith in Allah. This is but a fleeting moment in your life of such worries, that most is good and blessed. For you are a true beleiver that has these fears. Do not let them , fears, Shatan ruin you.
"...Bear with patience whatever befalls you...." (Qur'an 31:17)
and "Be not sad, surely Allah is with us." (Qur'an 9:40)
"O' you who believe! Seek help in patience and the Prayer." (Qur'an 2:153)