Salaamu Alaikum. Allah give blessings to all of you and your families.
I'm really conflicted and saddened by what I'm gonna say. I'll start from the beginning but keep it short (short as possible) So I started an MSA at my university about a year and half ago, and its been a big success. I used to be an atheist before and I converted about a year before I started the MSA. During the time that the MSA was formulating I met the girl that I want to marry; she is exceptional in every way a potential wife should be. I was so taken and forever will be, and sometimes feel as though He has made it so to put her in my life. I've cried from how thankful I am to Him, and how much joy she's brought me. I also met her mother and we became close and she accepted. She sent me food, sent her blessings, called me her son, all kinds of things. I could hardly believe it. Eventually after months the mother did some odd 180, where then she disproved, and I'm like huh.... Obviously by now, me and the girl are very involved. And before wild assumptions are made, we barely saw each other and it was kept to calls and Skype. We (me, her, and the mother) had agreed that I'd ask for her within the following months, before she had her sudden disapproval. The mother's change was real out of the blue cause this had been going on for months and she loved me. I think she felt guilty that she kept it from the father.
Moving ahead, the mother decides to tell the father, and in a real negative and deceitful way as though she was setting us up or something. I am so confused.. Wallah, like you wouldn't know. I understand that the law states we shouldn't have been talking without the fathers consent, but we didn't even start talking with those intentions of interest or marriage. It was down right business, cause she was heavily involved in the MSA and I was amped about getting everything right and spreading Islam in the school. Her and the mother taught me a lot too. It's hard being the only Muslim in my family. So even though the mother said it the way she did, she still managed to tell the father that I asked for her. It's like the lady is bipolar.. The father says no, goes on a tirade, says all kinds of lunatic things. I knew that would happen because he's.....not wrapped too tight and from "the old country". Also, the reasons he disproves aren't at all Quranic. He's an American citizen, but yet says something stupid like "she's not marrying an American". He doesn't even respect Arab-Americans that have been here longer or born here. It's like he never left his country. I knew for a long time how he was from the things they'd told me. Abusive, close minded, hot headed, ignorant. Astagfirullah. I read religiously, about anything and everything I can. So funny enough, years even before I had converted I already knew a portion of an amount of Fiq. What angered me was that I didn't want to go to an imam, sheikh, ulama, whoever, to decree fatwah on it. Why? Because I wanted it to go right and to get along with him. I've had my own history of abuse with my own father, and it was bad.. Regardless, I wasn't gonna do it for me or him. It was because it was the right thing by Allah, and because I didn't want her to be separated from her family. Even if the Ulama decided in our favor, he would've decided to not let her see her siblings.. What a guy. This is a guy that slaps his kids in the face, insults them horrifically. He went so far as to pray to Allah that his daughter DIE when he found out. What the heck!?!
So, present day, they go to a very very well known imam in the U.S. to decree his fatwah on the situation. He had asked for my number from her to call me. Also, at one point the father asked them to leave to speak privately with him. Wallahi, don't ask me how, but I knew what would happen in my heart and I'd even told her. I said, ya oumri I have this weird feeling that the imam will call your family saying he spoke to me and that it didn't go well and he doesn't accept. GUESS what happened... Yep, three weeks later he calls them and on speaker he tells the family that he spoke to me and that he's done what he had to do and that it's not gonna work. I have never had a call from an imam, nor have I heard from the places that I'm known that someone has asked of me. I talked to a sheikh about it cause I was more distraught at the thought that a person of his stature would do something like that. That's basically playing with our LIVES! And for what?! I am a loving and gentle person, but this just makes me so angry.. It's obvious that the sharia states that if the father isn't capable of judging the suitor that it's left to the Ulama, but since when can the Ulama make a decision without any knowledge at all?!? I was so anticipating every day for him to call me or even to go see him personally. I've had professors and administrators ask if I was interested in marrying, with the innuendo of it being their daughter. And this imam couldn't even give me the time of day to question me? It's like a weird nightmare. The sheikh said, don't jump to conclusions and try talking to the imam or going to see him. He's pretty far away... So I called him. First off, he's real shocked and it was evident in his voice, and as soon as it settled in his mind that my voice was not too happy, he's like I'm really busy today I'll call you back. Uh, hello!, of course I'm angry. And then he dodges me?!? The call lasted like ten seconds and that was it. Never called me back.. Mignun katheer...too much.
That's my story. Salaam, Rah