Assalamualaikum, I am a 26yr old girl, unmarried. I have a very shameful past and present. I was in a love relation with a boy for 7years. Initially I was not serious and did not believe him, but one day he approached me and said "Allah ku gawah rakhkar mai apku apni biwi mana hun" (in front of ALLAH (SWT) I accept you as my wife. From that time I started behaving as his wife. Sacrificed everything only to make him happy coz husband stands above all relations. Even went physical to satisfy him.
We tried hard to convince our families. It took him one year to convince his family and when they finally said yes my mom said a no. It was really the toughest time of my life when my mom stopped talking to me, stopped looking at me and not understanding my love to him. There was no genuine reason why my mom said a no. On the other side he gave me an ultimatum to convince them in 3days. Couldn't bear the pressure and ended up on committing a suicide. He left me without even bothering for my condition. One month before breaking up he repeated his words that he accepts me as his wife before Lord almighty, it was 3rd time what he said.
After he left completely lost faith in everything, was living a soulless life. Couldn't hear my heartbeat, couldn't feel anything, and couldn’t believe. I started avoiding people, especially those who delivered religious talks. Decided not to marry anyone, for it was hard to believe in a paper relation.
It took me two long years to come out of it, still carrying some. One of my friend helped me to start feeling but in a wrong way. It was physical. He says he loves me but cannot get married to me. It’s like I am drowning myself, stabbed every day. Cannot face the world, avoiding everyone. Crying mad in front of Allah asking him to help. On the other side coz of some black magic my marriage is being stopped and finding failure everywhere.
Please help me; it took me lots of guts to share. I am ashamed of myself. I know I will be punished, but I want ALLAH (SWT) and my PROPHET (SAW)'s love in my life. I want to make ALLAH happy. Want to be loved and understand things clear.
JazakAllah Khair dua me guzarish