I am 18 years old and I feel as though I don't even know who I am or what exactly my identity is. When i moved to America in 2001 i forgot all the Surahs i have learned and rarely practiced my religion. It became worse when around 2 years later i started watching adult films on and on without my family knowing, I continued and continued watching while growing up by now watching internet pornography. This soon became an obsession for me. My favorite type would be Transsexuals, I kept on watching them so much that my obsession turned into fantasies and desires. Fortunately, in 2011 i started changing for the better, i started praying more (not everyday), i listened to more and more lectures, started reading the different Hadiths and The Holy Quran (in English). Everytime it would seem as though that i am progressing, i would always fall back down again and again, but i never gave up trying. However, no matter how many times i try to stop my addiction, i would always return back to it, and it filled my head with more and more fantasies, it came to the point where I actually started liking Transsexuals and had the desire to be with them. Today, i have completely given up internet pornography for months now and i can say that i am done with it, but my fantasies and desires never stopped, and it led me to make the biggest mistake of my life. I am not Homosexual, men do not attract me at all, i am 100 percent Heterosexual, so that makes me even more confused as to why have these desires. Because of my fanatical desire to be with a transsexual, I lost my virginity to a transsexual just before 2014, and i did not stop, i would indulge in other actions with them, even recently having sexual intercourse with another one just last week.
Ever since then i have been feeling depressed and i feel as tough i dont even know who i am, i have barely prayed and when i do, i dont feel as though i have any Iman anymore, i want these urges and fantasies stop permenantly. Now i feel as though Allah doesnt love me and i dont deserve to ask for forgiveness or to even be listened to. I dont picture myself going to Jannah anymore because of my great sins (Zina 4 times, Sodomy, and in someway Homosexuality), i now feel like i belong in Jahannam, i am quickly going astray and i dont know how to fix it without ending these fantasies and desires, but i have tried and tried but they would not go away. I dont want to tell my family because they will disown me and i feel as though i dont deserve Allah's forgiveness if i am only going to do it again, i want to stop these fantasies and desires in my head before i do something that will permenantly give me a place in Jahannam, Somebody please help me.