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I am 18 years old and I feel as though I don't even know who I am or what exactly my identity is. When i moved to America in 2001 i forgot all the Surahs i have learned and rarely practiced my religion. It became worse when around 2 years later i started watching adult films on and on without my family knowing, I continued and continued watching while growing up by now watching internet pornography. This soon became an obsession for me. My favorite type would be Transsexuals, I kept on watching them so much that my obsession turned into fantasies and desires. Fortunately, in 2011 i started changing for the better, i started praying more (not everyday), i listened to more and more lectures, started reading the different Hadiths and The Holy Quran (in English). Everytime it would seem as though that i am progressing, i would always fall back down again and again, but i never gave up trying. However, no matter how many times i try to stop my addiction, i would always return back to it, and it filled my head with more and more fantasies, it came to the point where I actually started liking Transsexuals and had the desire to be with them. Today, i have completely given up internet pornography for months now and i can say that i am done with it, but my fantasies and desires never stopped, and it led me to make the biggest mistake of my life. I am not Homosexual, men do not attract me at all, i am 100 percent Heterosexual, so that makes me even more confused as to why have these desires. Because of my fanatical desire to be with a transsexual, I lost my virginity to a transsexual just before 2014, and i did not stop, i would indulge in other actions with them, even recently having sexual intercourse with another one just last week.

Ever since then i have been feeling depressed and i feel as tough i dont even know who i am, i have barely prayed and when i do, i dont feel as though i have any Iman anymore, i want these urges and fantasies stop permenantly. Now i feel as though Allah doesnt love me and i dont deserve to ask for forgiveness or to even be listened to. I dont picture myself going to Jannah anymore because of my great sins (Zina 4 times, Sodomy, and in someway Homosexuality), i now feel like i belong in Jahannam, i am quickly going astray and i dont know how to fix it without ending these fantasies and desires, but i have tried and tried but they would not go away. I dont want to tell my family because they will disown me and i feel as though i dont deserve Allah's forgiveness if i am only going to do it again, i want to stop these fantasies and desires in my head before i do something that will permenantly give me a place in Jahannam, Somebody please help me.

My friend as soon as you get any bad desire, start making dua for yourself to be better, say "is seek refuge with the almighty Allah from the evil of the shaytan". If all you can do is sit depressed and feel sorry for yourself, you will achieve nothing! You have to put the time and effort to stray away from these kind of things. Make dua for yourself and the Muslims, constantly ask for Allan's forgiveness. Do not pornography as a lifestyle to follow. You should always remember the homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals, are all family of jahanem! You wish to be the righteous man that you were born to be, like everyone was born to be. If you get any desires go out of your way and start praying to Allah, ask for his forgiveness! Fear that at any moment you could die and go to Jahanem and suffer for eternity! I cry at the fact of swearing at my enemies, the punishment I will receive. Know at day of judgement, Allah Will ask you, what have you done in your life? You want to be known as a really good person with a clean personality. Go away from these please, verily paradise is for the righteous. Allah guide you.

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answered 1535 Muhammad%20noor%20qutawna's gravatar image
-3

yuck. you're unbelievableā€¦.

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answered 4 naz___'s gravatar image
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Asked: Apr 24 at 22:54

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Last updated: Apr 26 at 11:59



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