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Assalamu Alaykum.

I will be having my nikah soon and my future groom and his parents informed me and my family that it is our responsibility to state what I want as my meher (dowry). I don't want to seem greedy or say something that is out of my future husbands means, but I don't know what a reasonable meher would be nowadays living in North America. Please help! Lol. Thanks!

asked 10 Susu1988's gravatar image

were do you live? how much money does he make? 3months salary is customary for engagement rings nowadays. but that might be imitating the kufar? what would happen in case of divorce? wuld your family still be there to take you in or would you have to support yourself? are you giving up working or a career to marry?

i wouldn't think there is one set number.

(Apr 28 at 12:55) mikejm4 mikejm4's gravatar image

Its your right as a wife. I cant say how much you need but should neither be too low or too high. Askm your mom about this.

And some advice from a believing mother to her daughter in the following narration which will help you in marriage as an ideal Muslimah:

Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

‘Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.”

Jamharah Khutah al-‘Arab, 1/145

May ALLAH bless you as a couple and may you be a couple in the paradise as well!

And Allah give us pious spouses indeed piety is rare in this world.

answered 8588 abdul_wasay's gravatar image
edited Apr 26 at 19:45

.... Assalam alay kum , ....just i read such discussion on mehr , on one web - site , and , so i put here , as it is , for knowledge of you and others , which is as follows : mehr: Quran and Hadith Posted on February 27, 2010 by Ml. Muhammed Shoayb | 3 Comments Questions: Salaamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakhatu, ya’Imam, 1) The Quranul’karim subhanallah clearly points out that mahr must be given to the girl as a gift. 2) But no verse clearly indicates how much I should ask for. 3) Is there any hadiths that say what the most virtuous mahr is? 4) My parents keep on saying to ask for a ridiculous amount of money, but I refuse, it is not fair for him to pay that much! 5) what is the mahr that has the most amount of barakha in it?

Imam may Allah bestow his bounty and mercy upon you and your loved ones, ameen.

Time: Sunday February 21, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Answer: وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

Ameen to your duas. May Allah bless you and your loved ones as well, Ameen.

There are multiple components that are not mentioned in your query. For example, your current family financial statues, the financial predisposition of your intended spouse, the mehr of other members of your family and peers, religious components of compatibility, etc. Marital rules derived function as guidelines from hadiths to protect the interests of woman and the institution of family.

Your answer to questions 1 through 5 are as follows:

1) True

2) True. (The amount can depend upon our comment made above.)

3) Quran does not stipulate everything. For example, the Quran does not show us the exact motions of whudhu (ablution), the exact manner on how a woman must marry another man upon her being divorced from the first husband as part of Halala, etc.

Thus, as Muslims, we are to use Quran and hadith simultaneously to attain perfection of faith when a contradiction does not exist between the both. Although the Quran does not stipulate a fixed amount. The minimum amount derived from hadith remains 10 dirhams. The minimum amount is not fard due to the Quran not stipulating a fixed amount. Thus, this amount would be part of sunnah (wojoob) as interpreted by masters (fuqaha) of religion.

4 and 5) The best nikah is that nikah which does not place a burden or hardship on any party. If Allah has blessed woman to receive the amount that was stipulated for the daughter of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu alayhi wasallam), then this amount would be part of a marital foundation built on sunnah. This mehr is called Mehr Fatimi. Rasulullah loved Sayidinah Fatimah (RA) greatly, just as every father should love his daughter. If He (Sallallaahu alayhi wasallam) chose this amount, having this part of our nikah would function as blessed sunnah and blessed foundation to the institution of marriage.

If your parents like your intended spouse, without telling him or them, you can accept the higher stipulated amount of mehr. Upon marriage you are welcome to give it back to him as a gift from your side. (Is there a woman that would do this? Added to the mix, what type of real man would take a gift back once it has been given to his life long partner?!)

With Regards Mansoor Noorani

answered 101 Mansoor%20Noorani's gravatar image
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Asked: Apr 26 at 14:13

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Last updated: Apr 28 at 12:55

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