i am a 24 year old girl.in my childhood i didn't get enough Islamic education.when i was in 7th and at that time i liked a boy of my same class.he was a Muslim,normal looking,very brilliant in his studies.i didn't tell him at that time.after that he went from my school.but later in 11th we met at my tuition class.he proposed me and without thinking anything i agreed.he was a very nice person.but later,after 1 year i got some friends who are really good and who have got good Islamic knowledge.inspired by them i started learning Islam. but knowing the fact that these all are wrong in Islam i tried to convince myself.but we were completely dissolved that it was not possible for both of us to separate. my parents came to know about this.they tortured me a lot.they were not even ready to hear my words.i was worried that my parents will do something wrong to him.i completely stopped contacting him.later when collage started and forgetting everything back in the history we contacted again.i was a person who didn't even know how to recite Quran properly.he thought me that and many lessons in Islam. later in my fourth year of collage my parents started looking for marriage proposals.at that time they again came to know about him and again slapped me,beat me..i begged my father to listen to me...and i said to him i want to confess everything before him for my peace of mind.he said he don't wanna hear anything which he doesn't like.later i decided that i will marry the guy which my parents select .but only if i liked him.but when one proposal came and i didn't felt that i can live with him..as he was too aged.i tell my parents frankly whats i my mind .because i had decided that i wont tell any lie ti them.but then too they emotionally blackmailed me and told me whether they should run around the world looking guys.then i decided i wont tell anything back to him.they bought a proposal and without seeing guys photo i agreed.and within two weeks we got married.that two weeks i was literally dead that i couldn't even think anything.and my parents told me not to tell anything about my past to my husband.we were not staying together. when my husband started talking to me i realized i cant never be loyal to him.i cant never love him.i told my father i cant love this person.i cant give happiness to him.my father said if u love your parents u can love your husband.and again beat me and emotionally blackmailed me.then too i agreed.its been 1.5 years that i got married.each day i am crying and praying to god.i couldn't love him till now.i couldn't stop loving my classmate.each time i am thinking about my past love and whether he will be succeeding in his life and all.and before some days i came to know from my friend that my lover.he is completely broken in his life and all because of me.hearing that i became completely broken.i am suffering a lot inside.especially during husband wife relation.i cant tolerate that.but knowing the fact in Islam that husbands have the right on us and not allowing them is a sin..i am tolerating that.i am praying each day to Allah to make me love my husband so that my life will be beautiful..but i cant...still i am loving that person.even if there is no contact.am dying inside because i know i am cheating my husband too.what should i do.because a complete family trusts me.i know now that i cant forget that person ever in my life.
This is according to my knowledge of the devil and its solution:
When you remember Allah in your idle time you wont remember your past about that guy.
Right now devil is using that as a weapon (past) against you to destroy your current marriage. Sometimes the devil tells me to stop praying because i wasnt regular in my past. He uses that to depress but success is with the patient.
Only Allah know how your second marriage will be: worse or better.
There is no one who enjoys more pain of you than the devil. He is utterly amused and the devil (shaytaan) is expecting you to do something bad out of emotion. Maybe because of your patience Allah will be pleased and will inshallah bless you with pious children.
The lesson is to lower your gaze and restrict socializing with opposite gender because these types of fitnahs arrive. I hope you read Quran with meaning.
When you have children tell them the dangers of intermingling and not lowering your gaze as that is how it all begins. The devil is weak but not a fool.
"Indeed they are planning a plan: but I am planning a plan"
Recite Surah Nas against devil whispering.