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Assalamualaikum Brothers and Sisters in Islam

I am in a situation where i need the purest and unbiased advice. I hope I will not be judged for the actions i have done. I got married at the age of 21 last january of 2011. My wife was handpicked by my mother and with all honesty i was happy about it but i wasnt sure if i really married her out of love or just obedience. Before she became my wife she was my girlfriend back in highschool. I know i wasnt suppose to be having a girlfriend being a muslim and all but i lived in a non muslim society in the philippines and i was kind of influenced with the culture. She converted to islam and we got married, everything went smoothly for our first year, we had our first son born. Right after my son was born we started to show our true colors to each other, i demanded to be taken care of,cooked for and all the things i believe a husband deserves. But she never cooked, she didnt like the thought of having to serve me and i kinda just let it pass so there wont be any trouble. The next year in 2012 it went pretty bad, she went back to work after giving birth and my mother was the one who took care of my son while i too was working. My wife continued not doing her role as my partner and she didnt even want me to work because she was being suspicious and jealous. She didnt want me to have nice clothes, a new haircut or anything that would make me look good in any way. She got pregnant again that year and we were expecting our baby girl to be born october 2012. Before our baby girl was even born more fights arose and it went to a point where she asked me for divorce, after asking for a divorce she said she regrets being married to me. And then my baby girl was born october but then more and more fights took place and she asked for another divorce, this time in front of my parents and she threatened to take the kids away from us. This time i agreed to having a divorce verbally and so did she and this took place november of 2012. She still stayed in my house after a few months and she moved out in january 2013. After 2 months i met someone special and fell inlove again and this time was of my own choice and not of my mothers's. She's a catholic christian, march of 2013 i married the girl i fell inlove with of course in the way of islam and she agreed. She even has plans of converting and she just needs sufficient knowledge of islam before deciding. Now brothers and sisters this is my problem, My own mother is acusing me of cheating my ex wife when in fact me and my ex wife agreed on the divorce already the past year. My parents say i should sacrifice my happiness now with my new wife, leave her and get back with my ex wife for the sake of my kids. I understand their sentiments but is it justified in the rulings of islam that i force myself to be with someone again whom i no longer love and has asked me a divorce at least 3 times which i eventually agreed on? I need help preferably from someone of extensive knowledge of islam. Can you include references in the Qur'an please i would really appreciate this.

asked 10 Hussein's gravatar image

Hi Brother,

Islam does not force you to be married (or stay married) to someone you do not love/like. There is nothing in the Quran or Hadith that says you have to stay married to your wife with whom you have kids.

It is a matter of how your current relationship with your ex-wife will affect your relationship with your baby boy and girl. Marriage is complicated; there should be responsibilities, sacrifice, and mutual agreements. Future husband & wife should get to KNOW each other before committing to marriage. In today's Muslim society, arranged marriage is more common than self-picked marriage. Some will argue that arranged marriage is the way to go (because it has been like that for long time) yet there is NOT a single Ayah in the Quran that says arranged marriage is Islamic marriage or what marriage means in Islam.

Also, I would like to mention this: when your parents asked you to marry for the first time, you agreed even though you had known that the girl was not what you want. So, while your parents bear some responsibility for your failed marriage, you should admit that you bear responsibility too. Had you told your parents that you did not like the girl & refused to participate in that arranged marriage, you would be in a different situation now.

There is my suggestion:

  • talk to your ex-wife about getting along with each other for the sake of the kids
  • do not look at your ex-wife as your enemy & talk bad things about her in front of your/her kids (many ex-husband/wife do that thinking this is going to win them the kids' heart)
  • tell you parents that you are an adult and you have the right to marry someone you love
  • I do not think that remarrying you ex-wife is good for YOU or YOUR/HER kids. You and your ex will keep fighting and that environment is not a good one for a child to live in. Having a separate lives but participating in raising the children & loving them is better for YOU (psychologically) and for YOUR/HER kids.
  • divorcing your new wife that you LOVE and trying to go back to marrying a person that you do NOT love will make your life miserable. You will keep thinking about her (new wife) and the good times you have had with her. That will make dislike your ex-wife even more.

Brother, for the sake of kids, do whatever you can to make them live a life full of love & peace rather than a life full of fighting, figure pointing, and blaming.

I wish you a wonderful life.

answered 655 usrname14's gravatar image
edited May 09 at 20:12
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Asked: May 09 at 15:30

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Last updated: May 09 at 20:12

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