Okay, this is going to be really long. But I do hope you can please bear with me and offer me some advice. Please keep in my mind this is the first I've gotten to confronting my problems.
Where do I start. Well i'm 15 almost 16. I'm a muslim, born and raised in a loving and religious family in the UK. My problem you ask?
I was always an introverted young girl, I've been through more than the average child and teen. I've been bullied, neglected by friends, mocked and socially singled. I've moved to a different school 4 times, because of my fathers work transfers and moving house. The last primary school I attended was my last year of primary school. I started a slow fresh start. Became, or attempted to, I made friends with the popular group, was well known etc. Then I met a boy who was in my class. He was very observant, quite but was the most popular in school. He gave me attention and constantly complimented everything I did. He understood me and I loved talking to him. I had a "crush" on him for a while, the feeling was mutual and we both know it. The last days of school is when everything slowly fell apart. My friends began to hate me, they mocked me behind my back and loathed me and the last contact I had with the boy was a hug and quick peck on the cheek from him. Childish indeed, yet sinful.
We moved to high school and everyone stuck together apart from me. I was in a big school and friendless. Only having the casual "lets go for lunch" with one or two people. This continued for 3 years. Back then during my first 2 years at high school my ,mother began falling sick. She argues endlessly with my arrogant brother and this only fuelled her sickness. She has been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses including depression and panic/anxiety, she also has a lifelong back condition. She has recently turned to self harm and attempted suicide more time that I can think or know and been admitted in to psychiatric hospital twice in 4 months.
My mother has a heart of pure gold,is a respective muslim who only passes on the teachings of Allah in peace. Yet during this time, I've had to stay home to look after her, look after my 6 brothers and sisters and help my dad who had to work lengthy shifts in order to bring us an income. Lately he lost his job because of my mothers ill health and is on the verge of anxiety. I too have suffered.
The once hardworking straight A, top class student who was highly praised was replaced with a slowly failing, dull, over sensitive person that had become a cause for concern by teachers and professionals around me. I was forced to the GP by my father and mother and she diagnosed me with anxiety, she refereed me the child mental health services, yet I refused to go. This was sometime late last year. Now, I had closed the world off fully. I was forced to go see her again and this time she re-referred me to the child mental health services after worrying i've developed an anxiety disorder because I hadn't treated it right. I did an assessment and was then further diagnosed with depression and im also on the verge of developing an eating disorder-bulimia nervosa. Im lonely with only 3 close friends and my life is slowly falling to pieces. I pray to God every morning and night and always thank him for his blessings. I am not the strongest muslim in the world. I have caused much more sins than I am surely aware of yet I fear for my mother and father and myself. I wrongly question life and living. And sinfully become too tired to even pray for Gods help. I've already declined any help I've been offered countlessly, because whats the point?
I wish to fully devote my life to Allah but I have exams, a full family to look after, homework, projects and a dwindling social life. Im starting to lose the friends that ive desperately tried to make for 3 years and not even a year later theyre leaving me. Everything in my life is so full of havoc that im losing myself and my faith. Where do I find the time to pray my 5 prayers? When I hardly have time to look after my own health. Its mentally tolling that all I want to do is shut the world off. I fear my mothers sins and I fear mine. Im lost and questioning everything.
Yet, theres a catch. The boy I first spoke of. Has began talking to me after we were paired for an assignment together. Sure ive spoken to boys before in class about studies, light joking in a friendly manner nothing more, yes I have been asked out by a couple of boys but ive always declined. But everything him seemed to click, I don't know, but hes beginning to get closer and he's providing me with the attention I desperately yearn for. He's british, blonde-blue-eyed. Heavily accented, understanding, funny and compassionate and I don't know what to do. He knew me before all this and once knew me as a long haired brunette and such. And continued to know me after I wore my first hijab at the start of high school. He was there when I was dwindled as an oppressed girl who follows a religion of "hate", or so they think. Ive been peer pressured to remove yet refrained which i'm happy of. He was there when I was hurt or crying, he cared and is helping me. But im lost and tired and sick of myself and everything. I hate myself and everything around me. My image on life has been tarred. What do I do?
Everything above is concerning me and I am in need to untangle myself from these strangling wires.
Thank you for your help.