My mother was very unloved as a child by her parents as they loved her brothers more than her. They were never affectionate towards her and they made her cook and clean for her brothers. Ever since my grandmother got ill (when I was 15)has tried to win her parents' love by neglecting us (me and my sisters) and looking after her brothers (who are in their 40s)there was nothing to eat when my sisters came home after school, but she cooked when her brothers came round (everyday)When my sister confronted her gently, she ABUSED us emotionally by saying that she wasn't going to take care of our grandmother (her mother) as she knew it would stop us from confronting her as our grandmother was bedridden and vulnerable. From then on, if we said ANYTHING bad about her brothers, she'd neglect her mother as she knew it would harm us greatly as we couldn't have taken care of out grandmother, it would've been impossible to lift her out of bed to go to the bathroom.
The last thing she said to our grandparents before they passed away was that she'd take care of their sons. She had turned into a doormat and she hadn't been like that when I was a child. I once asked her why her brothers always came round (as I had exams at the time) and she threw her plate of food at me. I failed all my exams even though my predicted grades were all A+s. I also got severely bullied at school at that time and couldn't continue with school so I left. Yesterday was my birthday and she went out with her brothers. When she came back, I asked her how she could leave me on my special day and she SHOUTED at me. She didn't WANT to know what I was feeling. I have no friends and nowhere to go but I cannot live with her. I have been contemplating suicide as I have been severely heartbroken by my mother telling me I am stupid and that nobody wants to be my friends because I'm worthless. I know suicide is a sin but enduring a life like this is horrific. I have no money and no friends so I cannot get away from her. I have to take medication for anxiety, stress, depression, post traumatic stress and bipolar ALL because of this neglect. The frustration of her not understanding anything I say makes me want to die. I know it's a sin but THIS IS TORTURE.
I don't know what else to do. (by the way, showing her love will not change her so please don't suggest it, I tried cooking cleaning and other things but she doesn't even notice. She's a horrible person and people like her don't deserve me because I still try to understand her situation. She always calls me useless and I'm still nice to her) Please pray for me. I don't want to die but every night when I close my eyes to go to sleep, I wish I died. My life is not worth living if my own mother does not like me.