I am a soon to be 19 year old Muslimah from Bangladesh. I did my Umrah on the 23rd January 2014,and have started doing hijab since, Alhamdullillah. Earlier I wasn’t much serious about my religion, I knew the right and wrongs, and maintained it more or less, but I started hijab since 23rd January. I am now facing many problems and am having crisis of faith. Like I said, although I wasn’t careful about what my religion expects from me outwardly, I had a pure heart and was pious inwardly. But ever since I started the hijab a sense of pride came inside me, and I can’t control it. Also, I get angry and irritated very easily. I feel so guilty, because people are supposed to improve themselves after coming from Umrah, but I have gotten worse. Also, one boy proposed to me to be his girlfriend. Although I rejected him but we got intimate these last few days. Its been only 3 months since I know him, and not even 5 months since I performed my Umrah! My family is very strict about these things, and they would just die if they got to know about it. That guy can’t marry me, because we are classmates and more frankly, my parents would never agree because he is not in the same level financially as we are. Also,my father is a very well renowned person in our country, Alhamdullillah, Allah had granted him a top position in Bangladesh Army. I know I am doing wrong , my religion,my family,my ethics , nothing would support me on this, but I can’t help it. I have even given up praying my daily prayers. I feel even more guilty because I have done haram things AFTER starting hijab, I feel like I am only religious outwardly, like I am a freak. I was better before! I had a good heart, I stayed away from haram! Eeverytime I take a decision that I wouldn’t continue doing all these bad stuff, I seem to glide away. I know I am very immature and not quite stable, beca use I don’t have self determination. I don’t know what to do, how to overcome. I have even stopped wondering whether Allah will forgive me or not, because I have been so ungrateful after He has blessed me so so much in so many ways! please help me. I want to be a good muslim, a good daughter. I know “what goes around comes around” and so I am very scared about my future. I have always wanted to fall in love with my husband for the first time, and be only with him, if I ever be with any guy. But now I don’t know what happened, everything happened so fast. Sometimes I feel like killing myself. I have read the Holy Quran and there is this ayat which scares me to hell, and now I can relate myself to it, it goes like if Allah doesn’t want anyone to receive His guidance, He closes their hearts. I feel like I have a dead heart now. I don’t how to repent, my sins are limitless. Please help me.
السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركات,
Dw sister, Allah SWT is all forgiving and merciful, you need to repent sincerely and repeatedly asking for forgiveness from Allah SWT.
Allah, All Mighty says: “Say: O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Sûrah al-Zumar: 53]
Allah SWT says: It is He Who accepts repentence from His servants and pardons evil acts and knows what they do. (Surat Ash-Shura, 25)
This is just 2 of the many Surahs where Allah SWT mentions forgiveness of sins. So, by the will of Allah SWT, your sins will be forgiven, just keep repenting In Shaa Allah :)
Remember get back to your 5 prayers. You need to pray sister, just do it for one day and it will become a habit for you every day In Shaa Allah.
Hazrat Anas radiallaho ta’ala anhu narrates that Muhammad PBUH said, “The first thing that a person will be questioned about is his prayers.” (Tibrani)
Hazrat Nawfil bin Muawigah narrates that he heard the Prophet saying:
“A person who has missed one Salaat is like the one who has lost all his family and wealth”.
So, go back to praying 5 times a day because your prayers should bring you closer to Allah SWT and deter you away from doing evil.
Remember, before you do any Haraam that Allah SWT is watching you at all times, and this should increase your Iman and keep you away from evil :)
I ask Allah SWT to guide you sister and forgive all of your sins.
And you could watch this video aswell: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwKgStouog0