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A guy got acquainted on fb had a high rapoed mutual friend. While I was looking for a suitable boy for marriage he chatted casually not looking for marriage, and undelibrately topics like our cities etc came up. I have been very strict in my approach with guys. I am friendly but always at a decent distance and did the same here.

Being mature enough (not a teenager) I was strict with words and expressions, still there were many signs of interest in me altho sublime. After a few days he told me he was engaged and later that very evening confessed he loved me. He got impressed with my faith in Allah and thinking.

But I ignored him for few days then realized that he was very suitable (except that he was younger but he knew it from the very first day). Then I aproached casually and asked him to stay casual, thinking that if he is the Mr. RIGHT it will happen no matter what obstacles occur. But again he started saying he loved me. I told him that such sweet talk is haraam and also asked him to do astaghfar for if he thinks of his old girlfriend. (Yes he had a girlfriend earlier). Suddenly he vanished. 15 days later i insisted on giving me a reason of vanishing. Then chatting on and off for 2-3 days he said he was interested in me but since he was engaged he wanted to stop messaging. I agreed but 95 days later and I can't get him out of my mind. I have all means to communicate with him but my dignity does not allow me.

Astaghfaar duas (many) namaz quran all on track kept Allah hazir naazir all the way. But (may Allah forgive me for saying this) distress is on. Ya Hayyo Ya Qayyumo be rehmateka istaghees. I Fear ALLAH I have complete faith in Him and there was no affair at all and I do not miss the guy as such. But since i think he was quite suitable I just want to know: Should I wait for him? For I have to get married soon. Can I do istakhara for waiting for him or looking for someone else? Family is pressing on marriage soon around September so I need urgent advice.

asked 102 shalail's gravatar image

If it is Sabr that i should do that am doing already.

answered 102 shalail's gravatar image

Doing spouse selection without a wali's consent is haram (this is because there is no third person present except the devil when only two chat). There is a risk of cheat person or a person with other intentions. A wali (guardian e.g. brother, father etc.) is important because nikkah bonds two families: paternal and maternal, and therefore the guy needs to be introduced to other family members (in introductory stage). If you persist there is risk of going into haram without you even realizing; ever heard of the ideom: everything is blind in love and war (hormones take over your sanity and you experience what you call "love". This may seem good right? But you lose sight: Nouman Ali Khan video called "you're not in love, jsut hormonal" is very interesting.)?

The internet in my opinion is not very reliable in terms of finding a spouse as fake accounts can be created. Sometimes I have observed even a guy fakes as a girl just to trap him. This isn't funny and they will be paid wages in full in the hereafter.

That friendliness of yours is OK, but the problem is how the guy perceives your friendliness. The guy is sexually more sensitive than a woman (you are believing woman therefore I have given two verses related to this) therefore a moderate tone should be kept. And never meet a guy alone go with a wali.

When on spouse selection you are looking for his characteristics and the best way to do that is face to face (in my opinion) with permission and presence of wali to AVOID FRAUD. Romance fraud is just one of the types of fraud I don't want you to fall in to sister, so be wary of it. It is even more preferred to meet in person (with a wali) to avoid internet fraud even more. Why am I telling you this again? So you aren't a victim. You should avoid talking over internet and meet him in person (not alone-I am stressing this because you know "what" guy thinks).

Here is list of wali by order:

a) Biological father b) Grandfather from the father’s side, or older c) A male sibling of the same father and mother d) A male sibling of the same father e) A nephew from the father’s side of the same father and mother, or younger f) A nephew from the father’s side, or younger g) An uncle from the father’s side of the same father and mother h) An uncle from the father’s side of the same father i) A nephew from an uncle from the father’s side of the same father and mother (cousin) j) A nephew from an uncle from the father’s side of the same father (cousin) k) Father’s uncle of the same father and mother (distant grandfather) l) Father’s uncle of the same father (distant grandfather) m) A nephew from father’s uncle of the same father and mother (second cousin) n) A nephew from father’s uncle of the same father or younger (second cousin) o) Grandfather’s uncle of the same father and mother p) Grandfather’s uncle of the same father q) A son of the grandfather’s uncle of the same father and mother or younger r) A son of the grandfather’s uncle of the same father or younger s) Judge / king guardian (Wali Hakim) t) Wali Tahkim (for a state without a Wali Hakim) u) Al-Mu’tiq ( ) a master who has freed his woman slave

Beautified for men is the love of things they covet; women, children, much of gold and silver (wealth), branded beautiful horses, cattle and well-tilled land. This is the pleasure of the present world's life; but Allah has the excellent return (Paradise with flowing rivers, etc.) with Him. (note first is woman) [3:14]

Allah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man was created weak (cannot be patient to leave sexual intercourse with woman). [4:28]

answered 8638 abdul_wasay's gravatar image
edited Jun 16 at 22:07

Regards and gratitude for commenting on my querry but it did not solve my problem. It is a far away story of LOVE. pardon me but I AM NOT IN LOVE (lahaulawalaqoowat illa billah hil aliyil azeem). No offence but Love??????? Haah! Halaal love starts after marriage before marriage its Haraam so WHERE is the point of watching videos that open your eyes on a matter i am already awake about.
I hv no brother n i lost my father recently. My mother knew all this since day one tho. We r a neuclear family n otherwise also thr is no patternal uncle of mine. I had only one whom I lost long back. My fathers kins are waiting for me to choose a guy, whom they will approve or otherwise.

answered 102 shalail's gravatar image
edited Jun 16 at 21:12

I said that video is interesting, and the idiom is interesting. There is nothing there to accuse you of falling in love and it is a general statement.

And that video was suggested not as a mock. Any knowledge is beneficial and there is a saying "prevention is better than cure". I am in no was a law enforcement officer, so its there to take it or leave it.

Hazrat Ali (ra): It is wiser to abstain then to repent.

(Jun 16 at 22:15) abdul_wasay ♦ abdul_wasay's gravatar image

And trust me IT IS NOT LOVE. I do not believe in this concept AT ALL. I like ur comment but pardon me it gives me information that I already know. WITH ALL DUE RESPECT there is absolutely no need for any couselling for me becoz my problem is not that, I am not some girl who is devastated for that matter it was a practical move by me to start chatting anad analysed mutual move to stop it. I agree on a possibility that he is fake and also is no initiative from either side so meeting is a far away story. And he did not come in touch for marriage frm a matrimonial site it was a social site where i saw his 2 year old profile which seemed favourable NOT ATTRACTIVE. Well, My family and fathers kins are all in full agreement of matrimonial sites. Another kin of mine recently got married through it n is MashAllah TabarkAllah happy. I repeat am NOT IN LOVE. The conditions of that guy are quite suitable for me. My parents dedicated their whole life to build my character and personality and even aftr their efforts if I tend to fall in SILLY LOVE it is a shame on my existence. Alhamdolillah I am not AT ALL experiencing a hormonal attraction...(astaghrefullah). I am a mature person n alhamdolillah need no convincing on so called LOVE. I have crossed my teenage 10 yrs back and alhamdolillah My Allah s.w.t helped me have a good track record so far. The help that I need is should I wait? Or look for other arenas. Becoz no body has the time to guide me on this issue, No paternal uncle, no older brother is there and kins of my father who are our extended family are waiting to judge my choice. So should I wait for the guy or start looking for someone else is my question. JazakAllah Khairan

answered 102 shalail's gravatar image
edited Jun 16 at 21:18

Trials never finish. Even I have crossed teenage, the trials will cease when I die.

(Jun 16 at 22:38) abdul_wasay ♦ abdul_wasay's gravatar image

I am a muslim with Taqwa Tawakkal and Tauba. I cannot let myself 'Fall' in love. This concept is a part of western culture. A true beliver RISES IN LOVE because there is absolutely no guilt of actions. My actions were alhamdolillah satisfactory when I think in retrospect. But Yes I cannot guarantee 'his' actions. True love starts after marriage. But here this guy never sent an alliance or made no promise of doing so altho I did clearly tell him to send an alliance if possible and when he feels like. Its complicated. And also to mention there are many examples around our family of successful marriages linked with matrimonial sites not one they are 4 couples we know. 7 and 10 yrs of successful marriages r quite enough to vouch for a good matrimonial site. I will definitely be careful watching out for a 'Fraud'. Enquiring about hime will be a inshaAllah easy because we have ample sources and reliable ones present in his city who can make things transparent for us. InshaAllah information not only about him but his forefathers cud be managed inshaAllah. But that I will do when he proposes for marriage officialy which he has not done yet and am not sure will it happen or not. And this is my problem.

answered 102 shalail's gravatar image
edited Jun 16 at 21:36

Ok may you get married soon then. I have updated the list of wali. Salam (in the original answer).

There seems to be no definitive answer but meeting in person to conclude marriage.

(Jun 16 at 22:01) abdul_wasay ♦ abdul_wasay's gravatar image

Salam, It is just to explain my stand. No offence taken or given. Thanx...for everything and the wali list that too I know alhamdolillah. I got my answer that nothing new can be done I should continue SABR and in case the guy returns should fix a meeting which I was already thinking of. All pure intensions still accept my apologies in case things i said seemed impolite in any case. JazakAllah khairan. Allah haafiz.

answered 102 shalail's gravatar image

Of course salam. And please note I am not saying internet is haram. You have to be wary of negative people out there on the internet.

(Jun 17 at 09:19) abdul_wasay ♦ abdul_wasay's gravatar image

Here is the relevant hadith:

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam has stated, "After today, under no circumstances, should a man go to see a woman whose husband is absent, unless there is another man with him, or another two men."

(Ahmad and Muslim:Ibn Umar)


answered 8638 abdul_wasay's gravatar image
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Asked: Jun 16 at 15:53

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Last updated: Jun 17 at 09:41

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