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As Salammu Alaykkum, A brother asked for my hand about 2 months ago and I did estikharra so I got positive about him, I want to get married with him but now my parents don't agree because we are both students and the brother's father has to take care of our financials, and my parents don't think that it is a good idea, and they say we should wait for at least 3 more years. But That would be very hard for both of us, so what are your suggestions? What am I supposed to do? I am so sad and depressed.... Thank you and God bless you.

asked 15 Katherined's gravatar image

As-salamu alaykum, sister.

This is not an easy matter to deal with, simply because I don’t know you, or your parents, or the young man.

During the course of my reply I’m going to ask you a number of questions.

If you were my daughter, I would ask myself: ‘Who is this man; how long has he known my daughter; and what are his reasons for wanting to marry her?’

I would want to discuss this with you - and with the lad if I could.

First question: What do your parents really think about this lad?

Assuming (as your dad) that I was happy with what you have to say, then I would want to be sure that the lad has the means to look after you properly.

As a student he may not have the means now, but he might have once he has completed his studies and obtained a job.

My response, therefore, is likely to be:

‘Wait until he is financially capable of looking after you (and maybe this is what your parents mean when they say that you should wait for at least three more years). It might mean, of course, that they really don’t like this lad at all, but rather than say so they ask you to wait….in the hope that, with time, the two of you might drift apart.

You say that the lad’s father has agreed to take care of your financial needs once you are married (and while you are both students, I assume). This would not be a problem, provided that his offer is genuine, and that he has the means.

My son was a student when he met his wife. They got married when he was in his third year. He graduated at the end of his fourth. During this time both sides of the family supported them financially.

Second question: Why do your parents disagree with this arrangement?

Is it because they are not able to match the father’s generosity, and feel embarrassed? Is it because they doubt his integrity or capability, and do not wish to be ‘saddled’ with having to care for you, and your husband, alone? Or is it because they really don’t like your young man, and this is just another device to keep you apart?

What you are supposed to do now (apart from answer the questions I’ve asked!) is to put yourself in their shoes. Try and see things from their point of view (one day, in šāʾ Allāh, you’ll be a mum yourself……and may well be faced with the same situation as your parents face today).

Feeling sad and depressed is perfectly natural, but it is not going to help you. Far better to adopt a positive attitude, and to approach this matter in a positive way. Start with the conviction that they really do want what’s best for you. Try and work with them rather than against them. You really do need them on your side.

That’s as far as I can safely go at the moment. Come back with more information if you like, and we can go on from there.

I hope this helps.

answered 2055 Paulus's gravatar image

God bless you, Thanks alot for your answer. For your first question: They think he is good and they like him. For your second question: They want us to have an independent life, without depending on anyone else financially, so after 3 years we will both have a job, that's why they think it's early. I am afraid that if I agree, his parents won't treat me well because they spend all that money on me and their son.

(Jun 19 at 11:25) Katherined Katherined's gravatar image

Your brother wishes to marry you? Isn't that haram?

answered 1535 Muhammad%20noor%20qutawna's gravatar image

I'm apologize, of you can please restate the question for I am not sure what brother refers to.

(Jun 18 at 22:04) Muhammad noor qutawna Muhammad%20noor%20qutawna's gravatar image

She means one of our muslim brothers, not her brother by blood.

(Jun 18 at 22:57) deathiscertain87 deathiscertain87's gravatar image

Why are parents making trails for kids .

(Jun 19 at 07:41) abdul_wasay ♦ abdul_wasay's gravatar image

Wait until you're a dad!!

(Jun 19 at 09:39) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image

These things arent informed to the chidlren earlier Before even looking for a potential partner

(Jun 19 at 18:27) abdul_wasay ♦ abdul_wasay's gravatar image

Wa Alaikum Assalaaaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaaatahuuuu. Sister,i suggest you to offer Salatul Hajat...these are two nafl rakats....after offering hamd i.e Praise Allah (Subhana Wa Ta'Aalah) as much as u can....then send many durood on Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam)...then recite Dua-e-Hajat and then do Dua abt ur Hajat(marrying boy with whom u want )....All u have to do is from broken heart for Allah...before offerring Salatul-Hajat,make intention of offering Salat Hajat by keeping ur Hajat in ur mind...and weep during praising Allah,at the tym of sending Durood,and when reciting Dua Hajat and then during eveything from ur Heart ..In Sha Allah Rabb will help as he is the best Helper... Sister,hope helped,,,do dua for me and also for Whole Muslim Ummah...

answered 1.2k517 Ubi's gravatar image
edited Jun 19 at 09:14

God bless you brother. I haven't heard of it before, but insha Allah i will give it a try.

(Jun 19 at 11:27) Katherined Katherined's gravatar image

As-salamu alaykum, sister.

That’s great news. So we have six people with a common goal. Get them working together, and you have a team. Take it from me, a team acting on a complicated matter such as this will always do better than one person working alone (and far better than someone like me, sitting at his laptop jabbing keys).

The trick is to get them talking. I understand from an earlier post of yours that you and your young man attend the same college. I assume, therefore, that your parents could meet up without great difficulty. Get this done! (And if they can’t easily meet up, then find some other way….Skype, for example).

I understand why your parents want both of you to be financially independent; and from this, why they would like you to wait until you’ve completed your studies. You say you are ‘afraid’ that should you agree to this then his parents won’t treat you well, because they will have spent money on you (and on their son). My first thought was: ‘Why would they be spending money on you if you are not yet their daughter-in-law?’ But kick that aside. My second thought (the more important one) was: ‘You say you are ‘afraid’ that they might behave in a certain way……this implies that you haven’t asked them’. If I’m correct, then you are trying to make a decision based on insufficient evidence. This is very seldom a good move! You need to know, for sure, how they would respond to any decision you make.

Sit down (all of you) and plan things out. Strive to reach decisions, and to set goals, that are realistic and mutually acceptable. This is the best advice I can give you.

May Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) guide you….all of you; and may you find the happiness you seek.

Come back if you need to.

answered 2055 Paulus's gravatar image

Helpful tips brother, God bless you and thanks

(Jun 22 at 07:01) Katherined Katherined's gravatar image

You're very welcome, sister. Thank you for your blessing. May Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla)bless you also, and keep you safe.

(Jun 23 at 03:22) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image
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Asked: Jun 18 at 08:27

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Last updated: Jun 23 at 03:22

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