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Ok so this is a really short summary of what’s going on. Basically my father is an oppressor. The rest of my family left him because of this but I stayed with him because I felt sorry and wanted to help him. However, he oppresses me on a daily basis. Verbally, emotionally attacks me and enjoys doing it. It is unbearable. He thinks he is all knowing, all ways right. I do nothing back, I’m bigger than him, stronger than him but I do nothing to hurt him, I never talk back. He forced me to emotionally hurt my mother and now I never see her, I haven’t seen any of my mother or 5 siblings for 2 years now. Even though I know it is my father who is wrong. I have no friends, no family, I am all alone (well I do have friends, but my father doesn’t like it when I see them). People come up to my father and tell him he should stop, but he says he will never change. He uses Islam as an excuse to hurt me. Says for a true Muslim this life should be a prison, it should be like hell. Nobody likes him (it’s not just me) all his friends have left him, even the sheikhs who were friends with him, who were trying to help him have left him, they don’t want anything to do with him. My father thinks everyone has turned against him, when in reality it is him who is the oppressor. And now I feel my faith in Islam is in jeopardy. Whenever I’m with Muslim friends, they make Islam look so peaceful and nice, but when I am with my father he makes Islam look like a religion of oppression. I’m starting to turn against Islam. I go on the internet to look for reasons why Islam is a fake religion. I can see myself becoming an atheist. I used to be religious, I used to cry when I hear about Allah, and I used to do daub. My friend became a Muslim because of me. But my father’s oppression has sapped all motivation out of me. Not just towards Islam, but also towards things like getting a job, having a family etc. etc. I feel like I just want to die He tells me that he will never leave me, he will go where ever I go, even sleep in my house when I am married. I have the money to run away, which is what I have always dreamed of doing my whole life. But I don’t know how long the money will last; he forces me to give him money when he needs it. So if I run, it will have to be soon. So what does Islam say about my situation? Can I run away? Can I have a life? Please help!!!

asked 8 DrAdam's gravatar image
edited Jul 01 at 07:00 123 AbduAllah ♦ 55018 123%20AbduAllah's gravatar image

Al Salam Alaykom DrAdam, I would reply to your question which has two distinctive parts. One is your father relationship and what Islam states in this matter. Second is your shaken belief in Islam. I would start with the first one, because how can you follow what you doubt (Islamic teachings with regards to parents)?

The position of a Muslim, thinking about Islam and Allah Almighty negatively, and not getting the wisdom of it being a test, due to the bad happenings and hardships, is mentioned in the Quran. I quote:

Yes, there is great wisdom behind calamities, including the following:

1 – To attain true submission and servitude (‘uboodiyyah) to Allaah, the Lord of the Worlds.

Many people are slaves to their whims and desires and are not true slaves of Allaah. They say that they are slaves of Allaah, but when they are tested they turn on their heels and lose out in this world and in the Hereafter, and that is an evident loss. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And among mankind is he who worships Allaah as it were upon the edge (i.e. in doubt): if good befalls him, he is content therewith; but if a trial befalls him he turns back on his face (i.e. reverts to disbelief after embracing Islam). He loses both this world and the Hereafter. That is the evident loss”

[al-Hajj 22:11]

2 – Trials prepare the believers to prevail on earth

It was said to Imam al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him): Which is better, patience or tests or prevailing? He said: Prevailing is the level attained by the Prophets, and there can be no prevailing except after trials. If a person is tried he will become patient, and if he remains patient he will prevail.

3 – Expiation of sins

al-Tirmidhi (2399) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Trials will continue to befall the believing man or woman in himself, his child and his wealth until he meets Allaah with no sin on him.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2399), classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 2280.

It was narrated that Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) “When Allaah wills good for His slave, He hastens the punishment for him in this world, and when Allaah wills ill for His slave, he withholds the punishment for his sins from him his sin until he comes with all his sins on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2396); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1220).

4 – Attainment of reward and a rise in status

Muslim (2572) narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The believer is not harmed by a thorn or anything greater, but Allaah will raise him in status thereby, or erase a sin thereby.”

5 – Calamities provide an opportunity to think about one's faults and shortcomings and past mistakes.

Because if it is a punishment, what was the sin?

6 – Calamity is a lesson in Tawheed, faith and trust in Allaah

It shows you in a practical sense what you really are, so you will realize that you are a weak slave, and you have no strength and no power except with your Lord, then you will put your trust in Him in a true sense, and will turn to Him in a true sense, and put aside your position, pride, arrogance, self-admiration and heedlessness, and you will understand that you are poor and in need of your Lord, and you are weak and need to turn to the Most Strong, the Almighty, may He be glorified.

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

Were it not that Allaah treats His slaves with the remedy of trials and calamities, they would transgress and overstep the mark. When Allaah wills good for His slaves, He gives him the medicine of calamities and trials according to his situation, so as to cure him from all fatal illnesses and diseases, until He purifies and cleanses him, and then makes him qualified for the most honourable position in this world, which is that of being a true slave of Allaah (‘uboodiyyah), and for the greatest reward in the Hereafter, which is that of seeing Him and being close to Him. End quote.

Zaad al-Ma’aad, 4/195

7 – Calamities drive out self-admiration from our hearts and bring them closer to Allaah

Ibn Hajr said: Yoonus ibn Bukayr narrated in Ziyaadaat al-Maghaazi that al-Rabee’ ibn Anas said: A man said on the day of Hunayn: “We will never be defeated today for lack of numbers.” That upset the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and then they were defeated.

Ibn al-Qayyim said in Zaad al-Ma’aad (3/477):

In His wisdom, Allaah decreed that the Muslims should first taste the bitterness of defeat, despite their great numbers and adequate equipment and strength, so as to humble some people who felt proud as a result of the conquest of Makkah and who had not entered His land and His sanctuary as the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had entered it, bending his head whilst riding his horse to the extent that his chin almost touched the saddle, out of humbleness before his Lord.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And that Allaah may test (or purify) the believers (from sins) and destroy the disbelievers”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:141]

al-Qaasimi (4/239) said:

i.e., to cleanse them and purify them of sin and of pride and arrogance. He also cleanses them of the hypocrites, and make them stand out distinct from them… then He mentions another reason, which is “to destroy the disbelievers”, for if they prevail they will transgress and overstep the mark, which will be the cause of their downfall and destruction. The laws of Allaah dictate that when He wants to destroy His enemies and erase them, he makes available to them the means which will lead to their doom and eradication, among the greatest of which, after their kufr, is their transgression and tyranny in persecuting, opposing and fighting His close friends… Allaah destroyed those who waged war against the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) on the day of Uhud and persisted in kufr. End quote.

8 – To demonstrate the true nature of people, for there are people whose virtue is unknown until calamity strikes

al-Fudayl ibn ‘Iyaad said: As long as people are doing fine, their true nature is concealed, but when calamity strikes, their true natures are revealed, so the believer resorts to his faith and the hypocrite resorts to his hypocrisy.

Al-Bayhaqi narrated in al-Dalaa’il that Abu Salamah said: Many people were confused – i.e., after the Isra’ – and some people came to Abu Bakr and told him. He said: “I bear witness that he is telling the truth.” They said: “Do you believe that he went to Syria in one night then came back to Makkah?” He said: “Yes, and I believe him in more than that, I believe what he says of the Revelation that comes to him from heaven.” And because of that he was named al-Siddeeq.

9 – Calamities strengthen people’s resolve

Allaah chose for His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) a hard life filled with all kinds of hardship from a young age, in order to prepare him for the great mission that awaited him, which none could bear but the strongest of men, who have gone through hardship and who are tested with calamities and bear them with patience.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was born an orphan, then it was not long before his mother died too.

Allaah reminded the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) of that when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“Did He not find you O Muhammad) an orphan and give you a refuge?”

[al-Duha 93:6]

It is as if Allaah wanted to prepare the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to bear responsibility and endure hardship from an early age.

10 – Another reason behind calamities and hardship is that a person becomes able to distinguish between true friends and friends who only have their own interests at heart.

11 – Calamities remind you of your sins so that you can repent from them.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allaah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself”

[al-Nisa’ 4:79]

“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much”

[al-Shoora 42:30]

Calamities offer an opportunity to repent before the greater punishment comes on the Day of Resurrection. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And verily, We will make them taste of the near torment (i.e. the torment in the life of this world, i.e. disasters, calamities) prior to the supreme torment (in the Hereafter), in order that they may (repent and) return (i.e. accept Islam)”

[al-Sajdah 32:21]

The “near torment” is hardship in this world and bad things that happen to a person.

If life continues to be easy, a person may become conceited and arrogant, and think that he has no need of Allaah, so by His mercy He tests people so that they may return to Him.

12 – Calamities show you the true nature of this world and its transience, and that it is temporary conveniences, and shows us that true life is that which is beyond this world, in a life in which there is no sickness or exhaustion.

“Verily, the home of the Hereafter that is the life indeed (i.e. the eternal life that will never end), if they but knew”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:64]

But this life is just hardship and exhaustion.

“Verily, We have created man in toil”

[al-Balad 90:4]

13 – Calamities remind you of the great blessings of good health and ease.

This calamity shows you in the clearest way the meaning of health and ease that you enjoyed for many years, but did not taste their sweetness or appreciate them fully.

Calamities remind you of blessings and the One Who bestows them, and cause you to thank and praise Allaah for His blessings.

14 – Longing for Paradise

You will never long for Paradise until you taste the bitterness of this world. How can you long for Paradise when you are content with this world?

This is some of the wisdom behind calamities, and the interests attained by them, and the wisdom of Allaah is great indeed.

And Allaah knows best.

Here you have it, 14 things to understand, and negative positions to fear from, you should be fearful from Hell; all life is a test, would you fail it in this short life to have some fake enjoyments and last for infinite in Hell for it?

May Allah guide you to Him safely.

answered 55018 123%20AbduAllah's gravatar image

Al Salam Alaikom, regarding the second part of the question, about your hardships with your father. You should know first that in case your father is sinful Allah would have everyone pay the price if that person does not seek forgiveness and insists on it, and that you would not be liable for someones else mistakes, nor him for your mistakes. Also cutting of your mother and family is a burden you would pay the price for, YOURSELF, and in Islam one cannot say I am doing the wrong against the Islamic rulings while I am NOT guilty, its so and so. So and so would pay, yet you would pay for your DEEDS.

I quote a reply to a similar hardship:

Praise be to Allaah.

There is no doubt that the story you have told us is very sad and moving, especially when we see someone suffering because the person who is closest to him is lacking in terms of religion. But ‘Allaah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs for us.’ [Aal- ‘Imraan 3:173 – interpretation of the meaning] ‘Truly, to Allaah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ [al-Baqarah 2:156 – interpretation of the meaning].

This brother should remember that honouring one’s parents is one of the most important duties that human beings have towards one another, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years – give thanks to Me and to your parents, - unto Me is the final destination. But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly…” [Luqmaan 31:14-15]. These mushrik parents were doing their utmost to make their son associate partners with Allaah, yet in spite of that Allaah commanded the son to maintain a relationship with them and behave kindly with them in this world. So you are also obliged to treat your mother well, advise her to give up her bad behaviour, explain to her how sinful her deeds are and what punishment awaits her if she does not stop. If she responds, then praise be to Allaah. If she does not, then keep away from her in a good way; do not mix with her in ways that will adversely affect your religion, but do not upset her either. Behave with her in the world kindly, and continue to advise her from time to time. Your keeping away from her will not be a sin, if you do it for the sake of Allaah and in opposition to something wrong.

Praise be to Allaah.

The rights of parents over their children may be summed up as treating them well in all matters, and behaving with them kindly as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents”

[al-Ahqaaf 46:15]

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:8]

“but behave with them in the world kindly”

[Luqmaan 31:15]

Shaykh al-Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “be dutiful and kind to parents” means: treat them kindly in all ways, in word and in deed.

Tafseer al-Sa’di, p. 524.

One of the most important acts of worship that the child is asked to do with regard to his parents is to obey them, to do as they ask and to refrain from what they tell him not to do. So if his father tells him to do something, he hastens to do what he is told, and if he tells him not to do something, he hastens to give it up, so long as that does not involve any disobedience towards Allaah and his Messenger, because there is no obedience to any created being if itinvolves disobedience towards the Creator.

Then he can make du’aa’ for them and pray for forgiveness for them, especially when they grow old and weak and are in need of someone to treat them kindly and take care of their needs. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

23 “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.

24 And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’”

[al-Isra’ 17:23-24]

Allaah has given examples in His Book of kind treatment of parents. Allaah says of His slave Yahya ibn Zakariyya:

12 (It was said to his son):‘O Yahya (John)! Hold fast the Scripture [the Tawraat (Torah)].’ And We gave him wisdom while yet a child.

13 And (made him) sympathetic to men as a mercy (or a grant) from Us, and pure from sins [i.e. Yahya (John)] and he was righteous,

14 And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient (to Allaah or to his parents).

15 And Salaam (peace) be on him the day he was born, and the day he dies, and the day he will be raised up to life (again)!”

[Maryam 19:12-15]

Ibn Jareer al-Tabari (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Here Allaah says: “And dutiful towards his parents” meaning that he was quick to obey them, loving towards them, and not disobedient.

“and he was neither arrogant nor disobedient” – here Allaah tells us that he was not too proud to obey Allaah or his parents, rather he was humble and submissive towards Allaah and his parents, doing what he was commanded to and avoiding what was forbidden to him; he neither disobeyed his Lord nor his parents.

Tafseer al-Tabari, 16/58

And Allaah said of His slave ‘Eesa ibn Maryam (interpretation of the meaning):

30 “He [‘Eesa (Jesus)] said: ‘Verily, I am a slave of Allaah, He has given me the Scripture and made me a Prophet;

31 And He has made me blessed wheresoever I be, and has enjoined on me Salaah (prayer), and Zakaah, as long as I live.”

32 And dutiful to my mother, and made me not arrogant, unblest’”

[Maryam 19:30-32]

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The words “And dutiful to my mother” mean: and He has commanded me to be dutiful to my mother. This is mentioned after obedience to his Lord, because Allaah often mentions the command to worship him and to be dutiful to one’s parents together, as in the verses where He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents”

[al-Isra’ 17:23]

14 “give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination”

[Luqmaan 31:14]

And the words “and made me not arrogant, unblest’” mean, He has not made me arrogant and too proud to worship and obey Him and to honour my mother, and thus be doomed as a result of that.

You should seek Allah in this hardship, and In Sha Allah you would come out victorious, and last thing regarding you being an enemy with the parents, I remind you that the Quran says in Surah Fussilat (Explained in detail):

34 The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.

33 And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites (men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I am one of the Muslims."

34 The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.

35 But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and in this world of a high moral character).

36 And if an evil whisper from Shaitan (Satan) tries to turn you away (O Muhammad ) (from doing good, etc.), then seek refuge in Allah. Verily, He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower.

End of Quote

May Allah bless and guide you to Him.

answered 55018 123%20AbduAllah's gravatar image
edited Jul 01 at 08:02

excellent thanks for making clear..

(Jul 01 at 06:39) hadigamal hadigamal's gravatar image
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