I'm going through something really bad which legally cannot be solved unless a miracle happens. I am not religious, and i always express my hate towards Allah when things go wrong as I don't want to understand (during the bad time) why he would do this to me. (I do NOT hate Allah, I just used to find it hard to understand why he would make me suffer) Please, that was what i USED to think. I do not think that now. DO NOT TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY AS I AM ON HERE TO BE CLOSER TO ALLAH!!!! I WANT TO BE CLOSE WITH ALLAH! I get bullied severely and the reason for my bullying cannot be fixed as it's legally impossible to change what has happened to me. It's so bad that I want to commit suicide (I am not wanting to make a statement to Allah that he has failed me, nor do I want to respect his plans for me to live my life and how, but I feel that free will does not exist because this certain thing has happened to me) I don't want to end my life because I hate God, I simply cannot live with people making fun of me.
They say Allah gives you as much as you can handle, but that isn't the case. It breaks my heart to think of myself not waking up another day but there I am SO unhappy that nothing seems worth it anymore. I asked a question on here before about my mother abusing me, and since I told people to pray for me, THAT situation resolved so my relationship with my mother is very good now! But I feel bad that you guys prayed for me and I didn't pray for myself as if I made you do the work for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing this.
I feel guilty for coming on here when I have a problem, like using someone when I need something as i am not religious. I want to change my attitude towards religion and explore the different perceptions of it. I need someone to talk to right now and I don't know what to do. I feel guilty for living because there are people living in poverty and there's me..I'm not suffering physically but even then I cannot BARE living as the problem that I have is with me forever.
Nobody understands. Please help me and guide me. I'm not saying I'm going to change into God's greatest friend, but I want some guidence of what religion is all about to YOU (whoever answering) because I really need something to believe in..especially at a time like this. I don't want you to think I'm an over dramatic weirdo, but my problem really is that bad and it's stopping me from living a life without bullying. I need a MIRACLE to amend a document that will change my life.
Bullying hurts so badly, I DO NOT WANT TO UPSET ALLAH, and I don't want you to judge me or scare me and say I'm going to Hell, I don't want to go there and I think if anyone says that to me I'll get scared. I get bullied so badly I cannot take it. I left school because I got bullied to an extreme and then got bullied at work all because a legal document cannot be changed.
I don't want to seem like I'm asking too much of you but I'M BEGGING!!!!!!!!!..please, pray for me. My mother is nice to me after she mentally abused me for months! all because i told you guys and you prayed for me! I'm sure of it! Ok, sorry i'll stop typing. please, someone, talk to me. I need someone to talk to!