I am writing here because I'm in a very confusing situation and need advice. I will tell you my story and try to be short. I have been in love with a guy a few years ago and we did haram things. I am a virgin el7amdlellah but I crossed my limits many times with him and we touched some parts we should not have. I felt guilty after it and eventually we left each other and i tried to repent to Allah, asking for forgiveness. However, i have been woth this other guy it's been 2 years and I love him very much. We want to get married but we have to wait another 2 years until we finish university. At first, i started the relationship in a very clean way. We did not touch at all but then we started holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc... During the 2 years I felt very guilty that he did not know that another guy touched me. I was afraid he would not want to be with me anymore. When. I told him about the first guy, he forgave me and said it changes nothing to the fact that he wants to marry me. However, he asked me if he could touch me me in some parts and hump me, to be sure i trust him with my body and with my life. I don't know why, but i accepted and now i feel really ashamed of myself. During the previous Ramadan, when i started to read the Qur'an, i felt so guilty about myself and i felt that i am going to hell for what i did and i cried every night begging for forgiveness. I want to repent with all my heart and i don't want to touch him until we get married to earn Allah's blessing. When i told him about it i was crying so he said ok. But after Ramadan he told me he does not feel close to me when we do not touch at all. He told me he will wait for me anyway but that he is sexually frustrated and that i am trapping him like a dog in a cage. He is upset and says i have made the decision for the both of us and i forced him into something he did not ask for. We fight all the time about this and it is all we talk about. He says Shaytan wants us to break up because he knows we will be lost without each other and do all sorts of crazy things to forget each other. And at last, he asked something of me. He is telling me that when he touches me in private parts, he stops watching porn. And i know for a fact that he hates watching it even though he is addicted to it. He said that watching porn is a much bigger sin than touching me because he is involved in making a haram industry gain profit from watching zinna and kidnapping little girls to perform these kinds of acts. He says that no matter how hard he tried, he could never stop despite the guilt he felt everytime. He told me that the only thing that made him stop watching porn completely and for good is touching me. He told me i'm being selfish and i want to be in heaven alone. That's so far from the truth. I pray everyday that i go to heaven with my loved ones. I care for him so much and love him so much i don't know what to do. He says He is willing to give up everything (kissing, holding hands, hugging, humping) but that he needs to touch my parts in order to stop watching porn and be a part of such a great sin. He says God will understand that i am helping him get away from evil.
Can someone give me advice? What do i have to do? But please don't tell me to leave him. This person has been with me through everything and has been so understanding, caring, and loving.
Thank you for all the answers you could give me