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As-Salam 3alaykom

I am writing here because I'm in a very confusing situation and need advice. I will tell you my story and try to be short. I have been in love with a guy a few years ago and we did haram things. I am a virgin el7amdlellah but I crossed my limits many times with him and we touched some parts we should not have. I felt guilty after it and eventually we left each other and i tried to repent to Allah, asking for forgiveness. However, i have been woth this other guy it's been 2 years and I love him very much. We want to get married but we have to wait another 2 years until we finish university. At first, i started the relationship in a very clean way. We did not touch at all but then we started holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc... During the 2 years I felt very guilty that he did not know that another guy touched me. I was afraid he would not want to be with me anymore. When. I told him about the first guy, he forgave me and said it changes nothing to the fact that he wants to marry me. However, he asked me if he could touch me me in some parts and hump me, to be sure i trust him with my body and with my life. I don't know why, but i accepted and now i feel really ashamed of myself. During the previous Ramadan, when i started to read the Qur'an, i felt so guilty about myself and i felt that i am going to hell for what i did and i cried every night begging for forgiveness. I want to repent with all my heart and i don't want to touch him until we get married to earn Allah's blessing. When i told him about it i was crying so he said ok. But after Ramadan he told me he does not feel close to me when we do not touch at all. He told me he will wait for me anyway but that he is sexually frustrated and that i am trapping him like a dog in a cage. He is upset and says i have made the decision for the both of us and i forced him into something he did not ask for. We fight all the time about this and it is all we talk about. He says Shaytan wants us to break up because he knows we will be lost without each other and do all sorts of crazy things to forget each other. And at last, he asked something of me. He is telling me that when he touches me in private parts, he stops watching porn. And i know for a fact that he hates watching it even though he is addicted to it. He said that watching porn is a much bigger sin than touching me because he is involved in making a haram industry gain profit from watching zinna and kidnapping little girls to perform these kinds of acts. He says that no matter how hard he tried, he could never stop despite the guilt he felt everytime. He told me that the only thing that made him stop watching porn completely and for good is touching me. He told me i'm being selfish and i want to be in heaven alone. That's so far from the truth. I pray everyday that i go to heaven with my loved ones. I care for him so much and love him so much i don't know what to do. He says He is willing to give up everything (kissing, holding hands, hugging, humping) but that he needs to touch my parts in order to stop watching porn and be a part of such a great sin. He says God will understand that i am helping him get away from evil.

Can someone give me advice? What do i have to do? But please don't tell me to leave him. This person has been with me through everything and has been so understanding, caring, and loving.

Thank you for all the answers you could give me

As-salamu alaykum, Sister.

I warn you now that you are not going to like what I say. I’m going to be direct. Please accept that I do so only because I respect you and wish you well.

Let’s have a look at your final sentence:

‘(Give me advice) but please don't tell me to leave him. This person has been with me through everything and has been so understanding, caring, and loving’.

I have to disagree with you, sister. This man is not caring. This man is not loving. This man is devious, controlling and manipulative; and he has you in the palm of his hand.

In you, he has a woman he can take at any time; a woman who gives herself willingly to him, even though she knows - you both know - that what she is doing is forbidden. That what she is doing will bring her nothing but grief. You deserve far better than this.

This man tells you that he is ‘sexually frustrated’. Well now…..that is very much his problem.

This man claims that you are: ‘trapping him like a dog in a cage’. This is a lie; the sole purpose of which is to persuade you to gratify his desire for sexual contact; by making you feel guilty at refusing him. And it’s working!

This man says he is: ‘willing to give up everything (kissing, holding hands, hugging, humping) but that he needs to touch your private parts in order to stop watching porn and be a part of such a great sin’.

What utter nonsense! And you believe this??

This man claims that: ‘watching porn is a much bigger sin than touching (you)’; because by watching porn he is, somehow, helping this industry: ‘gain profit from watching zina and kidnapping little girls to perform these kinds of acts’. This is emotional blackmail.

For goodness sake (for your sake, dear sister) please see his words for what they are …….a brazen attempt to have you do what is forbidden. This is not love...this is exploitation.

I guarantee that this man neither hates watching porn, nor is he addicted to it. These are weasel words intended to arouse your sympathy, and your understandable (and in this case very foolish) desire to gratify him.

This man says that Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) will understand that by letting him touch you, you are helping him get away from evil. Allah forbid!

If preventing this man from leading you (willingly) into sin is ‘selfish’, then be selfish…..be really and truly selfish. Be as selfish as you can possibly be……..and all of the time.

You say that you feel ‘really ashamed’ of yourself. You say that you want, with all your heart, to repent. You say that you don't want to touch this man (or let him touch you, I hope) until you are married.

Do you understand what repentance means? It means turning away from that which leads you to sin in the first place. It means a change of manner….a change of behaviour; from that which is haram to that which is acceptable to Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla).

At the very least we should intend to change our ways. At the very least we should strive to do good rather than evil. And when we fall short of what we intend to be - and we all fall short from time to time - repentance means that we ask Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) for His forgiveness, and for the courage and strength to begin again. And that we do begin again.

And here’s the advice you don’t want:

Get this man out of your life just as quickly as you can. Complete your studies and then, in šāʾ Allāh, find a man who is worthy of you. One who truly respects you, and who will walk with you the path that Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) has laid out for you.

May the Lord of Mercy help you out of this mess.

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answered 1905 Paulus's gravatar image
edited Jul 30 at 14:59

As-salamu alaykum :)

First of all the brother who answered first is right. He is just using you for his sexual desires. Don't take this personal, but to him you are a sex slave. Sister realise that what this man wants is haraam all around. He claims he will stop kissing and hugging and what not as long as he touches your areas is just crazy. Don't fall into the life some teenagers/young adults fall into.... I know people who are already drinking from the ages of 14,13.. I know people who smoke from the ages of 12,13,14.. I know people who have already had oral sex for crying out loud.. Don't fall into this life... I am giving you these examples, because this shows that what happens when you say to yourself "Oh its just a minor sin" Minor sins can lead to huge sins like Zina (Sex before marriage) drinking,killing and then eventually changing your whole life to the point that when someone asks you how to read from the Quran you will say I forgot. You are starting to mature up more shaytaan is messing with you and him...

Don't take this personal either, but shaytaan has already fully manipulated your "boyfriend". He is dancing like a puppet for shaytaan. Your are lucky that you have not yet been fully manipulated.. You are lucky that there is a side of you that is saying this is wrong.. That side is Allah swt. He is still with you, he is trying to say you will regret it.. This will not benefit you in anyway shape or form. You have to realise sister that Allah swt wants you to stop this. I am 13.... Soo like 7 years younger than you ahah :) Even a 13 year old is telling you to stop. I live in the UK, so basically I am prone to drinking,smoking,zina and what not, but I somehow avoid it all. I have never touched a girl in her areas nor have I kissed one and what not.. I was forced to hug one tho, but I regret the face that I didn't push her :( But still my point is stop.

Just say no.. Read the Quran more and read it in English and Arabic like me :) You seem to be from an English country. Ask for forgivness and be serious about it. Be more sincere about your salat, because if you pray it right you get the reward of reading 50 salats :), Make dua with caution and hope and fear the almighty for what he can do, Make use of spare time by reading more about islam or help someone out who has problems just like I am right now :)

Anyway thats really all I can say.. Long long paragraph, but I hope you read it all :) and may Allah swt guide and help you in these tough times.

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answered 354 Umar1926's gravatar image
1

As-salamu alaykum, Brother.

Well said. Just goes to show that wisdom does not depend on age but on a good heart. I'm old enough to be your grandfather. If you were my grandson (I have five!) I'd feel proud.

(Jul 30 at 15:55) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image

Ahaha true :) Thanks anyway brother.

(Jul 30 at 17:03) Umar1926 Umar1926's gravatar image
1

Ahhh, the modesty of youth :). Anytime, brother.

(Jul 31 at 02:05) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image

As-salamu alaykum, Sister.

Thank you for your response. I’ll take your words a piece at a time:

You ask: ‘Have (I) ever been in love with someone?’

I am the father of three (two daughters) and the grandfather of six. I am old enough to be your grandfather. Yes, I’ve been in love……...still am!

Your question implies that being in love means that we have to condone all kinds of bad behaviour from those we love. This is not so. Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) loves each of us with a love we cannot even begin to imagine; but He cannot condone sin. You know this. That being so, why should we?

Your question also implies that I cannot understand how you feel. I certainly can, which is why I knew that you would not (or cannot…..as yet) accept my advice. Nevertheless it was given because, from my perspective, it needed to be.

You ask (in effect): ‘Has Allah abandoned (this man)?’

Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) abandons no one. If He did then none could stand. It we who abandon Him - and in so doing move into a state of disbelief - whenever we live in a state of sin.

Narrated by Abu Huraira:

‘The Prophet said, "An adulterer, at the time he is committing illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer; and a person, at the time of drinking an alcoholic drink is not a believer; and a thief, at the time of stealing, is not a believer."’

Sahih Bukhari: Volume 7, Book 69, Number 484.

A thief at the time of stealing is not a believer. Anyone who gives assistance to a thief at the time of stealing is guilty, by association, of that very theft; and is therefore not a believer.

A person who performs an immoral act is not a believer for as long as that act is being carried out (or even planned); and anyone who gives assistance to that person is also a disbeliever.

Why would you wish to live as a disbeliever?

You say that you: ‘took him away from the right track’.

Please understand this, sister: You did not take him from the right track….he did that all by himself.

You have certainly heard someone say (after they have done some wrong to another): ‘Look what you made me do!’ No indeed! That someone did that wrong all on their very own. They alone are guilty; and they alone must carry the burden.

Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) says:

‘No burdened soul will bear the burden (sin) of another:

(Fatir: Verse 18)

You say that: ‘None of us is free from weaknesses and frustrations’.

To which I reply: Indeed! But this is no excuse for sin.

‘Do people think they will be left alone after saying: “We believe” without being put to the test? We tested those who went before them: Allah will certainly mark out which ones are truthful and which are lying. Do the evildoers think they can escape us? How ill they judge! But as for those who strive for their meeting with Allah, Allah’s appointed time is bound to come; He is the All Seeing, the All Knowing. Those who exert themselves do so for their own benefit - Allah does not need His creatures - We shall certainly blot out the misdeeds of those who believe and do good deeds, and We shall reward them according to the best of their actions.

(Al- Ankabut: Verses 2 - 7).

This life is but a test. And in this life we all fail from time to time.

Being weak, and being frustrated, might contribute to our failure, but they are not the root cause.

‘Allah does not burden any soul with more than it can bear'.

(Al-Baqarah: Verse 286).

The root cause of failure lies in the heart: in our desire to be ‘gods’ of our own selves; in our craving to replace the Will of Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla) with that of our own. You speak of love. When we choose to love ourselves (or another) more than we love our Lord….…that’s when we fail.

You say: ‘I don't think it's fair of you to judge that (this man) is a bad person………....’.

I’m not condemning (judging) him……………..I’m condemning his behaviour……as described by you.

Let me ask you a question: Would he behave this way if your mother were present..….would you?

I expect that the answer is: ‘NO!’

When my wife is a passenger in our car I’m a real gentleman. I keep to the speed limits; I never (well, hardly ever), get cross with others; and I’m patient. But when I’m alone…………….….ahhh.

The cure: I try and drive as though my wife is always present. It works…..most of the time.

If you cannot, all of the time, be aware of the presence of Allah (Subḥānahu ūta'āla), then at least imagine that your mother is there. Either way, try to act accordingly.

I’ve met many people who strive to change the habits of their husband or wife. In such circumstances the one with the stronger willpower always wins. And in your relationship, sister, you are not that person. How do I know this….because you do what this man wants you to, even though you know that it is wrong; even though: ‘(he is) wrong in everything he's saying’.

Of course you want to help him out. However, you are a Muslim; and as such must not interact with any non-mahram, except when this is absolutely necessary; and never, ever, in the way you interact with this man.

Finally:

‘Those who disbelieve say to the believers: “Follow our path and we shall bear (the consequences for) your sins,” yet they will not do so - they are liars. They will bear their own burdens and others besides: they will be questioned about their false assertions on the Day of Resurrection’.

(Al- Ankabut: Verses 12 - 13).

You two are a cause of sin (and of concurrent disbelief) one to the other. For both your sakes this really must stop. Would you expect me to say anything less?

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answered 1905 Paulus's gravatar image

Exactly. Well said I couldn't have said it better.

(Jul 31 at 08:55) Umar1926 Umar1926's gravatar image
1

Ahhhh.......wait for it........wait for it........

Of course not..........young un!

(Just teasing). Thank you for your kind words.

(Jul 31 at 09:31) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image

No problem aha :)

(Jul 31 at 11:19) Umar1926 Umar1926's gravatar image

As-salamu alaykum, Sister,

You wanted to know how to delete your post:

Go the bottom of the post and press the 'delete' button.

You don't need a moderator for any post that is your own.

(Aug 01 at 02:25) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image
-1

Thank you for both of your answers. I understand and I'm convinced that you're I should keep saying no. But are you saying that there is no hope in him getting better? A few months ago he was the one who wanted to stop it all and I am the one who kept pressuring him and say i can't live years without feeling. If I had been supportive from the start, it could have been so much easier. He wanted me to support him and he wanted us to have a clean life and I ruined it all eventually. So is it really fair that now that I am in his position I abandon him just like that? I don't think it's fair of you to judge that he is a bad person and manipulative and so on. None of us is free from weaknesses and frustrations. I agree that he's not thinking straight and that he's wrong in everything he's saying and that's not the solution to our problems but does that just mean that Shaytan has fully possessed him? That there is no way out and Allah has abandoned him too? Have you ever been in love with someone? You wouldn't want to help him? I know I am not supposed to help him the way he wants me too. But I wanted to give him reason, to help him find the right track again. The right track that I once took him away from. And all you're saying is leave him he's evil and manipulative. You really think it's fair to judge someone like this? Without knowing him at all?

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answered 0 Anonymous_i's gravatar image

As-salamu alaykum, Sister,

You wanted to know how to delete your post:

Go the bottom of the post and press the 'delete' button.

You don't need a moderator for any post that is your own.

(Aug 01 at 02:13) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image
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Asked: Jul 30 at 04:25

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