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Im almost 16, I got my exam results today and found out I failed the majority of my subjects. My dream was to get into medical school, but i've ruined that now since these results were vital and now I have to resit the whole year and go to college for another 2 years! I hope you all understand how hard I studied but my depression and eating disorder and my anxiety disorder were too much for me and still are. I missed half the internal courses because my mother became very sick both mentally and physically (she even tried to kill herself so many times!) and I had to care for her. Everything affected my concentration but that is obviously no excuse. Now my parents are very disappointed in me and possibly angry although they don't show it to me in case they trigger my panic attacks. But, I overheard them discussing my grades and how they regretted letting me off and treating me so loosely and that they were spoiling me and that I was showing off.

But how was I showing off when all I feel is regret? How have they spoiled me, when I didn't ask for any pointless materialistic object, I didn't ask to go out to parties like my brothers always do? All I've done for the past 9 months is keep to myself in my room, only interacting when I should, helping and cleaning when I should and was able too. Am I truly a show off? Am I really spoiled?

I'm exhausted and lonely and heartbroken and very misunderstood! I keep seeing images in my mind of my self cutting my wrists (I know its sinful) and so trying to keep myself safe from this is beginning to be very difficult, since its always on my mind. I'm tired of going to weekly weigh ins at the child mental health services clinic and being criticized for maintaining or losing weight or even losing the weight I've just gained, i'm tired of getting continuous blood tests because the others always fail because im supposedly dehydrated, tired of seeing a psychiatrist to do weekly body checks and hear them sigh in a disappointment when he/she cant get a proper blood pressure result and then have to do it over 5 times to then find an average, i'm tired of my conflicting weight loss and weight gain (they even made me stop fasting during Ramadan and im trying to make up for it!). I'm tired of having to sit for 2 hours explaining to a psychologist why I don't want to be alive. Tired of them trying to shove pointless medication up my throat because nothing else works. Tired of having to hide my eating disorder and depression and anxiety from my friends and people around me, then to feel greatly sensitive for a silly joke that they don't even know hurt me. Tired of failing In classes and letting people down. Tired of disappointing my parents and family and making my mother mentally worse. Tired of crying to bed every night or going through numb sleepless nights then having to make up for it during the day. Tired of random panic attacks that I get even in public places. I'm just done, and I don't know what to do, I want to die so bad, is it bad if I run away? Because I don't want to be here any more.

Am i sinning if im thinking like this? I know it sounds so selfish, that there are children being bombed, starved, killed (believe me people tell me this every time and it hurts!) I know it seems as if im bragging and ungrateful but this has gone on for too long! What do I do please!

I've tried everything, I've tried praying and reading the Qu'ran and making duaa but I cant concentrate as its all too mentally tolling(God forgive me). Im 15, I don't want to live like this!

Assalamualaikum

Sister, I would like to quote here a few verses of the Quran, where Allah, may He be Exalted says [interpretation of the meaning]:

And from wherever you go out [for prayer], turn your face toward al-Masjid al-Haram. And wherever you [believers] may be, turn your faces toward it in order that the people will not have any argument against you, except for those of them who commit wrong; so fear them not but fear Me. And [it is] so I may complete My favor upon you and that you may be guided.

Just as We have sent among you a messenger from yourselves reciting to you Our verses and purifying you and teaching you the Book and wisdom and teaching you that which you did not know. So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny Me.

O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with the patient ones.

And say not of those who are killed in the Way of Allah, "They are dead." Nay, they are living, but you perceive (it) not.

And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).

Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return."

They are those on whom are the blessings from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones.(2:150-157)

Do not give up hope and do not despair of the Mercy of your Lord, the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful and do not forge that He is the acceptor of our supplications and that He will reward the good doers in the Hereafter with Paradise.

Remember that your Lord is the Most Just and that this life is but a test that will soon be over. and reflect on His blessings. If you try to count them, and you can never fully count and innumerate them, you will always find them to be greater than your difficulties.

Remember that Satan invites you to the hell fire and Allah invites you to His Mercy and Forgiveness.

May Allah make it easy for you.. Ameen.

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answered 40117 UmarAbdullah's gravatar image

Sister, "For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease." quran surah Ash-Sharh(94:5-6).

"And mentions the name of his Lord and pray. But you prefer the worldly life, While the Hereafter is better and more enduring." Sura Al-'Ala

The two verses I quoted , because you seem so tensed about what you you will do in the life here. When you should be worried about the missing prayers. It's not like your parents are abandoning you. Don't loose faith , Read the Quran with the meaning. Understand it.

If there is chance, take the tests again.Point out your mistakes. Running will make things worse. Ant trust me, no one loves you more than your parents in the world. Ask them the same question you asked here.

From your previous questions I see that you and your family are really going through a hard time. You too are alone and desperate. And the most dangerous thing is you are a juvenile and you have no idea why these things are happening to you. But you should remember , Our prophet hazrat Muhammad (Sm) had much hardship in life than you. He was total orphan when he was 6 years old. He was tortured by his people. But Allah guided him.

And so shall he guide you , if you seek his guidance. You recite at every prayer

"Guide us to the straight path -The path of those upon whom You have bestowed favor, not of those who have evoked [Your] anger or of those who are astray." But how many times you have truly in your mind sought that? Remember this world is merely a day or morning compared to akhirat. So seek guidance to Allah.

I don't know what situation you are in specifically , so I can't tell you exact thing you need to do. But I want to tell that, don't loose your faith and ruin your entire akhirat for like a day in this life.May Allah guide you.

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answered 101 Tamim_Addari's gravatar image

Aoa, are they those parents which say either doctor or engineer?

I have similar experience and I have failed and even bad grades in college.

You know what? I always thanked Allah (swt) for my failures and the little successes he gave me. I even cried and thanked Allah during prayer when I failed like this (I used to go outside where it was deserted or sometimes in a solo room where I used to vent my emotions to Allah; I used to say "Oh Allah these conversations and my pains are only between You and me"). Guess what? I got the comfort I needed from Allah (so find a way to converse with Allah so you don't vent that frustration out on your parents and others; I did this and I got patience from the Almighty!). Look at this amazing verse:

Would that they were contented with what Allah and His Messenger (صلى الله عليه وسلم) gave them and had said: "Allah is Sufficient for us. Allah will give us of His Bounty, and so will His Messenger (from alms). We implore Allah (to enrich us)." [9:59]

Do you know where I am right now? I am studying accountancy and allhamdullilah thanks to the almighty I am will be inshallah become a chartered accountant.

Now you see you need to see this world is a trial for the believers and you have to realize that.

And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun (the patient)[2:155]

Medicine is not only one career but there are many. Sure my parents are disappointed I couldn't become a doctor but Allah had different plans for me. I am allahMdullilah in much better position and field. Look at this verse:

  1. Verily, they are but plotting a plot 16. And I (too) am planning a plan.[Surah Tariq]

So hold on to imaan of yours and keep thanking Allah (swt). Surely He has planned something better for you than you think. This is what I thought some years ago and I am still amazed at the wonders Allah (swt) can do for us.

And your parents are worried and my parents even said I am useless and this and that. But you just have to prove them that you aren't and you can do what you want to do.

I implore Allah (swt) to ease your way because verily!

alt text

Jazakallah Khair

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answered 8588 abdul_wasay's gravatar image
edited Aug 07 at 11:27

As-salamu alaykum, Brother Abdul.

Please contact me on Paulus113@hotmail.co.uk.

I need to talk to you.

Many thanks.

(Aug 08 at 04:54) Paulus Paulus's gravatar image
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Asked: Aug 05 at 13:42

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Last updated: Aug 15 at 08:02



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