Im almost 16, I got my exam results today and found out I failed the majority of my subjects. My dream was to get into medical school, but i've ruined that now since these results were vital and now I have to resit the whole year and go to college for another 2 years! I hope you all understand how hard I studied but my depression and eating disorder and my anxiety disorder were too much for me and still are. I missed half the internal courses because my mother became very sick both mentally and physically (she even tried to kill herself so many times!) and I had to care for her. Everything affected my concentration but that is obviously no excuse. Now my parents are very disappointed in me and possibly angry although they don't show it to me in case they trigger my panic attacks. But, I overheard them discussing my grades and how they regretted letting me off and treating me so loosely and that they were spoiling me and that I was showing off.
But how was I showing off when all I feel is regret? How have they spoiled me, when I didn't ask for any pointless materialistic object, I didn't ask to go out to parties like my brothers always do? All I've done for the past 9 months is keep to myself in my room, only interacting when I should, helping and cleaning when I should and was able too. Am I truly a show off? Am I really spoiled?
I'm exhausted and lonely and heartbroken and very misunderstood! I keep seeing images in my mind of my self cutting my wrists (I know its sinful) and so trying to keep myself safe from this is beginning to be very difficult, since its always on my mind. I'm tired of going to weekly weigh ins at the child mental health services clinic and being criticized for maintaining or losing weight or even losing the weight I've just gained, i'm tired of getting continuous blood tests because the others always fail because im supposedly dehydrated, tired of seeing a psychiatrist to do weekly body checks and hear them sigh in a disappointment when he/she cant get a proper blood pressure result and then have to do it over 5 times to then find an average, i'm tired of my conflicting weight loss and weight gain (they even made me stop fasting during Ramadan and im trying to make up for it!). I'm tired of having to sit for 2 hours explaining to a psychologist why I don't want to be alive. Tired of them trying to shove pointless medication up my throat because nothing else works. Tired of having to hide my eating disorder and depression and anxiety from my friends and people around me, then to feel greatly sensitive for a silly joke that they don't even know hurt me. Tired of failing In classes and letting people down. Tired of disappointing my parents and family and making my mother mentally worse. Tired of crying to bed every night or going through numb sleepless nights then having to make up for it during the day. Tired of random panic attacks that I get even in public places. I'm just done, and I don't know what to do, I want to die so bad, is it bad if I run away? Because I don't want to be here any more.
Am i sinning if im thinking like this? I know it sounds so selfish, that there are children being bombed, starved, killed (believe me people tell me this every time and it hurts!) I know it seems as if im bragging and ungrateful but this has gone on for too long! What do I do please!
I've tried everything, I've tried praying and reading the Qu'ran and making duaa but I cant concentrate as its all too mentally tolling(God forgive me). Im 15, I don't want to live like this!