Salam'Alikum brothers and sisters. I have to be honest with you, brothers and sisters. I feel like my life is messed up. I used be a good little Muslim boy, praying 5 time a day with my dad, reading the Qur'an every weekend. But every thing stopped and slowed down, I started to watch porn after one day, one of my class mate showed me a pornographic magazine in 5th grade. In my mind i thought it was amazing. Ever since I have been watching pron and committing Zina till now. Every time i commit the act of masturbating i feel guilty and pray for forgiveness. but still I go do it again, and again, and again.
I'm 19 years old. Since I'm getting mature and going to college and i want to really stop this act.
I ALSO HAVE TO CONFESS THAT EVER SINCE I STARTED SCHOOL AFTER 9/11 I HAVE BEEN HUMILIATED, MADE FUN-OFF, BULLIED. I USED TO COME HOME EVERY WEEK WITH A BLOODY NOSE, BRUISED SHOULDER, BLOOD RED EYE, ETC. ONE DAY AFTER SCHOOL THREE OLDER SCHOOL BOYS, TALL AND BIG STARTED TO BEAT ME UP, THEY HAVE BROKE MY RIBS AND MADE MY EYES SWOLLEN SHUT AND DUMP ME IN A MUDDY DITCH.
I feel like all these abuse started my addiction and my suicide thoughts.
All the physical abuse stopped until I went to middle school. But psychological and mental abuse kicked in till the end of my junior year of high school.
STUDENTS EVERY F** DAY CALL ME NAMES, MAKEING DEATH THREATs, THEY SAY STUFF LIKE "WHY ARE YOU HERE ASIF," "WHAT ARE YOU DOING NO ONE LIKES YOU." AND THE ONE THAT GOT ME THE MOST IS "YOU ARE BETTER OF DEAD!!!"
Every day i'll come home with emotion build in side me like a F** BALLOON, and watch porn, masturbate and cause self harm. It made me SOOOOO HAPPY. That's how i spend half of my life, IN FILTH, COVERED IN ZINA. Every thing snapped when i turned 16. I strangling my self with a wire rope to kill my self. This was the way for me. I feel like no one was listing to me. Allah hasn't listened to me, I pray and pray and no answer or at least a sign. So I tried to kill my self from asphyxiation. luckily the wire snapped and set me free, maybe this was a sign from Allah swt, but I still feel like Allah swt never listen to my duas.
Honestly there's more to talk about like my failed other 7 failed suicide attempt. my practicing of black magic, and practicing of the Kabalah. But is too emotional for me.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I'M BEGGING ANYONE FOR ANSWERS, I'M PRAYING AND PRAYING AND I STILL HAVE THAT URGE TO WATCH PORN. PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN!!!