It took me a lot to come out and talk to an Imam about this with the fear of obvious criticism, so I really hope my situation is being understood. I was very reckless and carefree like any other teenager of my age. I met a guy and fell in love and we started dating. He was my first boyfriend.Back then I never took religion seriously. We did get physically intimate at times, but we both are still virgins. Soon enough we knew we wanted to spend our lives together and started taking things far more seriously. Being in this relationship brought a tremendous change in my life- I started valuing things in life, my relationship with my parents improved and moreover I became a better person. I just knew he was the one for me. One morning I wake up and realize, "I have so much in life that I am blessed with (and that also included my lover), and if I want to hold on to this happiness I need to start working." I consider it as the biggest blessing from Allah(SWT)for having that thought because without it, I wouldn't be who I am today. Since that day I started praying as regularly as I could (before that I never really prayed it's been two years now that I do). I literally felt the changes I was going through- everyday I became more serious about Islam and life, I became more modest and decent. I am still nowhere near perfect, but I am willing to be. My boyfriend aswell started praying and being more obedient and it felt like we were kind of accompanying eachother to the path of Deen. Then came the problem, if we want to be good Muslims, we cannot be in a relationship right? That's something we kind of avoided to accept because we knew that will mess a lot of things up. We tried staying in a relationship but keeping as much distance as we could. Although, being a guy he was not comfortable with it at first, he accepted it soon. First stage, physical intimacy gone; second stage, friendly physical gestures gone; and now it's been months that we don't even touch eachother, only talk. Honestly, we are more than fine if we don't have to do any of that till marriage (yes, we planned on getting married from the very beginning and still do). We have been in a relationship for almost three years now. Days passed and all these changes may have put an impact on us, or maybe we are just growing up. We are probably going through the worst phase of our lives right now. We get into fights more often, we get frustrated easily, I find him immature at times (he is a year older than me) and some of his habits I can't tolerate (like occasional smoking) since I am much strict now. At times I caught him lying to me about stuffs I asked him not to do (again, like smoking). It broke my heart, but he cried and begged me not to leave and I had to forgive him, but it honestly does not feel the same anymore once he broke my trust. He loves me, A LOT, I know that. He is very good by heart but quite immature at times. I try my best to keep up with this with the hope that someday things will be better, but sometimes I just lose my patience. Now, I don't want to just leave this guy. I loved him aswell and there is a part of me that still does and wants to make things work. Even if I do, it could harm both of us in many ways. His mom said (even I am afraid) he might end up doing something stupid if I ever leave him. I don't want to be responsible for that. Yes, his family and my mother knows about this and they want us to concentrate on our studies for now, get established and then get married. The truth is, I keep his life as much balanced as it is right now. His family is not that religious, I am literally the only Islamic influence that he gets. Whereas, my family is very religious and it frightens me what if this relationship makes them unhappy since marriage is also about two families. There are several reasons I don't want to end this relationship- I know that it's going to affect our lives, studies, concentration and so much more. It has been almost three years and he has been a big part of my life. Please believe me when I say, this guy has loved me A LOT. Breaking up will harm us in so many aspects. After all these days, EVERY one of our friends and acquaintances know about us. If tomorrow we are no more together, people qill say a million bad things, especially about me since I'm a girl. As I said, there was a time when we went physically intimate. I know those were the kind of Jinnah and I prayed and cried to Allah so much to forgive me. I hoped that someday when we get married (In Shaa Allah), HE might have mercy on me. Let's say I do breakup with him, and move on with my life. I definitely want my husband to be a good Muslim. But, will any good guy accept a girl with a past like mine? He might at first, but in some point it will bother him. I have seen a hundred similar cases. There will be no way to hide it from him and I don't want to. No matter how good the guy is, it will always bother him that I was with someone else once and he touched me before him. That guy might never be able to love me fully. I will always remember how much this guy loves me and what if I end up with an unhappy married life? *It's not that he is not trying. Even after coming from a non-practicing family, he is trying to be a better Muslim so that with Allah (SWT)'s blessing we end up together and have a happy life. This relationship was never a joke to us, we still intend to get married someday (In Shaa Allah). It's just the situation, the pressure... everything seems so messed up.
I really don't know what to do. I only wish I could go back and erase my past but I can't. I can't forget all the mistakes I have made, nor the beautiful dreams I have built with him and it's gonna hurt so bad to just end things, even though I know that's the sacrifice a lot is in stake here. I ask Allah (SWT) for forgiveness everyday. Even HE does forgive my sins, there is no guarantee it will not affect me in the future- which I'm afraid will happen if I marry some guy.
All these thoughts are killing me. Please help me. Tell me what to do. Please try to understand my situation and the fact that I can't just take some immediate actions here. I admitted my mistakes, if I was this mature back then I wouldn't have made them in the first place...which I understand right now. I await for your kind words and helpful co-operation. Thank you.